Wednesday, July 26, 2017


My favorite get away spot is wearing out. I'm at Silver Diner trying to collect my thoughts and have a bit of me time but the dishes I like most I can't afford indulge in often and I've tired of both bacon and scrambled eggs.  Foods are very easily ruined for me and floppy over salted bacon did it.  That being said they have no competition so I'm here again eating a side salad, coffee, and two fried eggs - for breakfast....and thinking, trying to release the hope that keeps leading to such profound disappointments in my life. 

Sunday, July 23, 2017

A Prayer

This week my prayer is to be able to live in each moment so that I don't feel anxiety about my tomorrows.  

I give thanks for the smaller miracles of which I have been the beneficiary of so many. 

This week I prepare for the next blessing and live in acceptance of whatever face it takes. 

Friday, July 21, 2017

Summer Healing

I started working out again today and left the gym feeling calm and tired.  It was nice.  My brain has been working overtime.  I chauffeured my daughter around and read in the car while she went into stores and bought nothing.  Perhaps I'll be able to finish reading my book tomorrow.  I may be able to really sleep tonight.  If not, I will be quitting coffee - again.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

My First Completed Read of the Summer

Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal.  -Freidrich Nietzsche

Yesterday I read the book Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life  by Gary John Bishop

This book is a good start to becoming the protagonist of your own story, owning your failures and successes and analyzing both.  I seldom feel that I am a victim but sometimes when things continuously go wrong and I'm exhausted, especially when I'm exhausted,  it does begin to feel like life is happening to me in spite of all I do.  The book gives affirmations and explains why they are important.

The idea that you are "winning at the life you have" really gets one to think about the decisions they've made and continue to make that have led to whatever you're unhappy with about yourself or your life at this moment.  The first affirmation is, "I am willing"  and begins with asking yourself the question, "Am I willing?"  This is powerful because there is no wiggle room, no room for excuses or justification.  If I am willing, I begin the work that I need to do to change and if I am not willing then I quit deluding myself.   This was linked to the second affirmation, "I am wired to win."  If I am indeed wired to win then I need to begin to make winning happen not just think about it and hope for it.  I need to make a detailed plan.

Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it. - Kahlil Gibran

The third affirmation, "I've got this" was about perspective and how we tend to blow things out of proportion.  Life has ups and downs and we work through them.  If history is any judge, well, I"ve got this.  It was about the importance of looking at things from a distance to get a better, more realistic perspective.

The next one I will reread, "I embrace uncertainty."  As I read I remembered a girl who did; she reveled in it but she became a mother of many and uncertainty hasn't since been her friend.  She = I am going to have to learn again to embrace the uncertainty that is life.  A quick reflection will show you can always count on life to surprise you and they're not all happy surprises.

"I'm not my thoughts; I am what I do"  THIS is why I bought the book, to get out of my head and into my life!  I think and think and go through every possible scenario experiencing both the positive and negative emotions that go with all that might be but when I focus on doing, I find peace...

"I am relentless."  I may have to say this one to myself daily.  I recently experienced a great disappointment and felt truly crushed.  It was something that I had worked toward for years and I felt misled and cheated.  I have since set new goals that are loftier but I've also realized that I need to make a list of everyday goals, a list of smaller, sweeter things so that I don't forget to live.

The final affirmation of the book is, "I expect nothing and accept everything."  I expect nothing and accept everything, I expect nothing and accept everything, I expect nothing and accept everything...  MUCH easier said than done but I can see how this is a healthy mindset.  Having no expectations means never being disappointed.  I like the idea but can't really imagine how to separate one's self from expectation.  When does hope turn to expectation because IT also precedes disappointment? desire..?.  The idea in the book is that the expectation is your own creation of what things should be or how they should turn out.  It is your own fabrication that causes the greatest disappointment.  I guess it is hard for me to separate that from vision.  This is one I will continue to meditate on.

I really enjoyed the book.  I was going to find a job this summer and I still may but during the summer I read.  I plan for the next school year and I read. Teachers need to rest and invest their non-teaching time wisely.  This has been lovely.  I've been spending mornings sitting in the car with a cup of coffee, reading.  When I get to the bottom of my cup I begin to feel the strength to do laundry, dishes, and planning for the children's day that I must do.
Summer peace for moms: drinking coffee alone in the car in the morning and taking calls in the bathroom.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Insomnia - Day 4 without caffeine

So everything is a mess.  There is folded laundry all over the sofa, dirty dishes on the counter and in the sink and clean dishes in the dishwasher.  There are books in front of the bookshelf and papers covering my desk and around my room on the floor even...and as disappointed as I am by the look of it all I seem to be unable to make myself fix it right now consumed as I am with ... with ... progress?

Two things happened today that made me want to throw in the towel and look beyond the here again.  I think I'll be okay with whatever happens because it will mean that I stay and fight or I work to move on.  I'll be alright with either.

I want to wake up early every morning to sit in my office and write.  I want to find the stories I have lived and imagined and get them bound neatly in leather for posterity.  I want to stand in my window and drink tea, and make plans.  I want to be able to enjoy a moment in which everyone is okay or working on getting there and understanding about how life is and I want to be secure in the knowledge that I've taught them how to appreciate the journey and enjoy the stories that are their lives, in all of their fullness and complexity.

Breathing Exercises

Today's disappointment is in the business that I trusted to evaluate my international credits.  It would seem that they are unscrupulous.  I had two peers who did the same program and they received more credit than I did.  I have to rest up and save up for the fight.

I think I've been walking in a certain direction because doors have been opening but maybe it's time for a change.  I need to get through this next month and then rethink some things.

So, I left my children to study for two summers in Spain thinking that it was going to translate to a raise for me and it only worked out that way for my peers.  They gave me about half the credits and refused to reevaluate.  They say that I have to send my evaluation back with my peers but that could threaten their livelihood because it seems to me that this company is going to make the easiest decision.   They seem to have only looked at the website in my case when in fact they should have some way for how they evaluate my specific program as it is not the first time they have evaluated it.

I decided to look up reviews and I see so many people upset with their practices.  I guess I have to order my transcripts again and start over with a credible business.

It is so hard to keep picking myself up from these disappointments.  I can't sleep.