Friday, October 20, 2017

End-of-Week Purge

On Parenting

This week I vowed to never again make excuses to my children on their father's behalf.  I reached out and asked that he spend some time with the children so that I could have a moment to regroup and he (with the writing assistance of his partner) responded with such absolute disdain.  What I didn't realize years ago was that it wouldn't be enough to leave, that there would be stages of letting go.  The kids and I sat down and talked and they were so clear, so sweet.   I got that text and it made me feel strong again.  I had been feeling so tired and just frustrated and losing sight of my goals and the faith that I could achieve them.  I had held out some belief that he cared about them and in the span of a text he told me that he didn't and that there would be no more pretending.  ...and the matter was settled.  I would never again need to waste any energy trying to protect and nourish the relationship between father and child.  One less thing on my shoulders.  My prayer is to be enough.

Uplift

It's been an exhausting week and what lies before me seems to be so much more than what is within me.  I know this shouldn't be.  For a moment I was distracted but it served to remind me what it is that I really want.  I see it now.  For a moment I stepped out of survival mode and knew with absolute clarity.  I was able to see beyond this moment...

Home

The house is a mess! In a moment I will make a cup of tea and start cleaning.  I have to do dishes and vacuum and wipe down counters... but perhaps the most important thing I have to do is to write a manual for my children.  I am looking forward to it.  I am going to write a reference book that explains to them how to clean the house and how to maintain access to their freedoms and technology.  I wrote explicit instructions for my daughter once, to be funny but she was so thankful that I decided that I need to write the book. 

blah, blah, blah... I'm trying to keep writing but there is work to do ALWAYS! 'ugh








Thursday, August 10, 2017

Life

A moment to just be...

Exhausted from hoping, I sit here on the porch and wait.  The kids sleep, thankfully.  I washed dishes and started the laundry, again.  It's cool and the breeze on my skin feels good, it's calming.  Summer dwindles and I sit in uncertainty.  There are times that I am an aggressive doer and there are times when there doesn't seem to be more to be done.  I know that it will take some effort on my part to nail down the housing situation for the school year but at this exact moment, I can do nothing about it.  

What to do today and other musings

I'll organize today. In a moment I will call and check on what R- said he contributed toward the process.  I sit here looking at the pick-up truck that belongs to someone from the construction site, a proud Va Tech alumnus.  I ponder the information we sell ourselves with, the groups we attach ourselves to.  Do we advertise so that like minded souls will seek us out?  I was in the drive through the other day and the woman in the car behind me honked and yelled out the window to let me know we were sister Bernie supporters and Dr. Who lovers.

Morning as usual

My little boy wakes up and joins me on the porch and for the moment he's quiet.  It helps that we live next to a construction site.  It hasn't been all blessings with the noise and traffic... but in this moment they seem to have his attention although the construction is almost finished.  It's relatively quiet a few people are milling about doing small tasks.

Child Support

I was waiting for a payment to use toward our home.  More than 1/3 of it was put toward administrative fees.  This is another one of those moments in which I feel that I can't win.  

 

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Finding Focus... searching....

I sit here awaiting word from the universe that it will be okay and I will again find hope.  That is to say, feeling hopeless and not even knowing where to begin thought.  I need to reign in my dreams and plans and reevaluate what is in front of me.  What do I actually have?  What can I actually do?  

If I cannot buy the house, where can I find a quiet place for me?  I have to locate my blinders and put them back on to get through this school year.  I'm so heavy hearted.  

I wake up early to be alone and think and my precious little boy wakes up with me every morning and follows me around talking about soccer.  I am a terrible listener.  At first, I just put my finger over my lips and plead with him for silence.  I sit on the porch and read and he brings a book and joins me.  After a while, he starts talking again and I try to listen for a bit but the conversation is without end and I must again beg for quiet.    

What I do know is that I am going to have to make some moves to protect me.  I don't know what or how but there doesn't seem to be the slightest place in my life without people demanding something of me.  Last year I would have a few minutes in my classroom to gather my thoughts.  This year I will have to find someplace to think and be still.  I will probably spend a lot of time in my car sitting, listening to podcasts and looking at the clouds.

I've spent my summer so far waiting and I need movement.  It will require a plan.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Tired

So just when I thought I could reach out and touch it my dream started to float away and I can't reach it and I have to think about, hope for something else.  I wanted that house so much.  In my mind, I had had coffee and planted flowers and put a bench on the porch.  I had organized and decorated the children's rooms.  I had gotten up early to write and sat in my space to quietly disconnect in the evenings.  I had chosen a place to read.  I'd planted an herb garden. I could see myself getting home from work.  I had picked out a meditation bench and a window to put it in front of.  I have two more attempts ahead of me.  If it comes through I will be able to devote this part of my brain to better things.  It just keeps getting more and more difficult.


I Ask for Help

I'm exhausted.  I don't know what even the near future holds but I know that it will ask much of me.  I've had to ask for help and it is among my least favorite things to do.  The kids want the house so badly that they've taken to asking their father for his help and they get off the phone wounded.  My daughter cried, her twin quietly asked to go take a walk after hanging up.  My younger twins just trust in him and I do dare to hope that he will come through for us.   I need to come up with $4,000 for the downpayment on the house and I feel like I'm standing at a brick wall. I'm fresh out of ideas.  I am left with just a bit of faith that their father can come through for us.  I don't like to ask him.

In a moment I am going to prepare myself to go through what my children have and the fact that I'm dreading it so very much suggests that it doesn't really get easier.  I've been telling them that it does, that in adulthood they will make peace with whatever relationship they can salvage/build with their father.  I am still disappointed in my own and still need for him to like me as silly as that sounds.

After all of the protest over Confederate, I decided that I wanted to watch Man in the High Tower on Amazon.  I have to say that it was good even though they really did tackle the unthinkable (which sadly was really thought of) Yesterday was truly wasted. All day I was about to call but I didn't.  I feel guilty if I watch more than one show usually and when the school year starts again I save most of my television viewing for the weekend.  I want to see Confederate.  I was immediately intrigued but given the climate these days I accept that maybe we're not ready as I too am seeing that we have not made the progress we thought we had.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Escapism

My favorite get away spot is wearing out. I'm at Silver Diner trying to collect my thoughts and have a bit of me time but the dishes I like most I can't afford indulge in often and I've tired of both bacon and scrambled eggs.  Foods are very easily ruined for me and floppy over salted bacon did it.  That being said they have no competition so I'm here again eating a side salad, coffee, and two fried eggs - for breakfast....and thinking, trying to release the hope that keeps leading to such profound disappointments in my life. 

Sunday, July 23, 2017

A Prayer

This week my prayer is to be able to live in each moment so that I don't feel anxiety about my tomorrows.  

I give thanks for the smaller miracles of which I have been the beneficiary of so many. 

This week I prepare for the next blessing and live in acceptance of whatever face it takes.