Saturday, April 14, 2018

Thursday, April 5, 2018

Lessons in Gratefulness - Plans for Change

So much of my good feeling comes from problem-solving.  I must wonder how I would feel if those problems never arose.  I'm sitting in a house that stinks and I can't find anyone to find what is in the air ducts and remove it.  I'm 0-2.  The recent wind storm blew down parts of my fence that I don't have money to get fixed.  My pool might have cracked in the freeze as the water level is stagnant even after it rains.  I still need to buy some furniture for storage... I need the duct in one of the bathrooms fixed as the concrete in it is crumbling.  I need to put up real window coverings that I now know cost a fortune... and yet I recognize each of these challenges as an opportunity for another success, another up.  ...even as I recognize, I pause as I think about selling my energy for the means to solve these probems.  It feels a bit like a trap. With only one life to live it seems such a waste to spend all of one's finite resources on this type of cycle. 

Monday, March 5, 2018

Shshhhhhhh

I've always loved words. Lyrics, poetry can move me to tears.  I love a well written sentence.  There are bits of literature that I return to again and again because they evoke such emotion.

I've always wanted that power, that skill.  Motherhood, however, has me almost wanting to forsake the spoken word altogether.  I say things.  I repeat them...for what?  They don't listen.  

I'm attempting a vow of silence.  Some time to listen and think and find a new way. Anyway, I'm tired of the constant disappointment.  I'm going to save my breath for a while.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

There are moments that confirm your life choices... and moments that make you regret.  This past weekend I felt all of those and ultimately I walked away with the appreciation that I can feel again.  I felt.  I felt joy.  I felt sadness.  I felt wonder.  I felt grateful.

So many unanswered questions from the past 18 years surfaced and just like before I had to bury them and make my own sense of it all.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

a previously written cry

I'm trying to figure out, still trying to figure out how to be a whole person, a good parent and still provide all that my children need.  I seem to have missed the mark by a mile and two more are almost grown.  I've had to run away for a moment. 

I'm sitting here trying to think, to find my peace.  I'm begging them daily to do the smallest things to help me and, at best, I get an agreeable word but then I have to ask 4 more times and raise my voice to get a half-assed attempt.  My daughter will deny I ever asked.  My 12-year-olds will either not move at all or make plaintive sounds as they drag their feet until I'm almost screaming at them and ultimately I do most of it myself.  

I'm having my normal meal at Silver Diner.  Vegetarian Chili and a side salad. .. 

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Exhale

Bills and needs sit constantly on my mind but as I've had enough sleep, I don't feel stressed right now.  Thanksgiving was nice but the house is wrecked right now.  There are plates everywhere.  The counters are yucky.  The refrigerator has NO organization; it is entirely possible that opening the door could cause an avalanche since the children put the food away but I'm at peace right now.  I'm in problem-solving mode.  With a quick prayer that I can keep all of my utilities on until I can schedule the payments, I sit down an begin to plan.  

I have to train the children.  Kind or judgemental relatives are always saying this but what they don't understand is that I haven't been able to figure out how to take care of me, provide for them and teach them.  Something is always sacrificed.  Today I am going to order a chalkboard so that I can put their chores on it and the consequences of not completing those chores.  Repeating myself doesn't work and they don't seek the work that needs to be done so there needs to be a center of operations so they can't claim not to know.  My daughter will deny ever having been told to do anything despite our daily conversations.  

In a moment I am going to give myself 2 hours to clean before sitting down to complete this work for my grad class. I have decided not to write the paper for the classes that I took at the University of Salamanca only because there are better ways to increase my income in the time that I've been given.  I could do it for pride or to say I did but that's all.  I will continue with that course of study as long as it continues to inform my professional practice but as always this time of year I am thinking more about what I would most enjoy dedicating my time to.  

If I can complete these things today, I will be able to complete some work and plan for work tomorrow and I can walk into the work week prepared and balanced.   

I've learned some things over this short holiday: put sleep first, diet second and put exercise third
then only will I have will and the strength to do everything else that must be done.  Will I go to the gym today? 

I have to find the will go to the gym.  It's so much more complicated in the cold.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Resetting

Another weekend squandered...kind of.   I watched some episodes of The Punisher, did a lot of laundry, cooked, did dishes, went grocery shopping... and still there is so much more to do.  I haven't even located the book that I must read to meet my biggest goal this weekend.

I have eaten all manner of junk food this weekend and feel every bit of it as my cold hangs on...
I have to refocus a bit on eating and sleeping for balance. I have long considered myself a healthy eater, this week I realized that I am a healthy eater because I don't give myself other options and that if I have other options I will make bad decisions.  This week has shown me that.  It was the single cookie, the one piece of chocolate, the bacon on my salad, the food from the restaurant (too much salt!) and cumulatively I did not make good decisions.   Each one of these things seems so small but really underscore the importance of consistently good decisions.  I haven't been to the gym because I have a cold and I haven't don't what I need to do to shake the cold.  This is another of my resets.

It is so difficult to be switching gears to getting out of debt right around the holidays.  It would be easy to get them a few cheap things but I don't believe in wasting money especially money that I already owe to others.  I don't like the idea of buying things to buy things.  Things take up space and waste valuable resources.  I don't want to get anything that doesn't enrich their lives in some way.   With as little as I'm able to buy them they somehow still end up so spoiled and entitled anyway.  It's kind of an American problem, I think.   We talk about kindness a lot.  This week we'll focus on gratefulness.