Monday, March 5, 2018


I've always loved words. Lyrics, poetry can move me to tears.  I love a well written sentence.  There are bits of literature that I return to again and again because they evoke such emotion.

I've always wanted that power, that skill.  Motherhood, however, has me almost wanting to forsake the spoken word altogether.  I say things.  I repeat them...for what?  They don't listen.  

I'm attempting a vow of silence.  Some time to listen and think and find a new way. Anyway, I'm tired of the constant disappointment.  I'm going to save my breath for a while.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

There are moments that confirm your life choices... and moments that make you regret.  This past weekend I felt all of those and ultimately I walked away with the appreciation that I can feel again.  I felt.  I felt joy.  I felt sadness.  I felt wonder.  I felt grateful.

So many unanswered questions from the past 18 years surfaced and just like before I had to bury them and make my own sense of it all.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

a previously written cry

I'm trying to figure out, still trying to figure out how to be a whole person, a good parent and still provide all that my children need.  I seem to have missed the mark by a mile and two more are almost grown.  I've had to run away for a moment. 

I'm sitting here trying to think, to find my peace.  I'm begging them daily to do the smallest things to help me and, at best, I get an agreeable word but then I have to ask 4 more times and raise my voice to get a half-assed attempt.  My daughter will deny I ever asked.  My 12-year-olds will either not move at all or make plaintive sounds as they drag their feet until I'm almost screaming at them and ultimately I do most of it myself.  

I'm having my normal meal at Silver Diner.  Vegetarian Chili and a side salad. .. 

Saturday, November 25, 2017


Bills and needs sit constantly on my mind but as I've had enough sleep, I don't feel stressed right now.  Thanksgiving was nice but the house is wrecked right now.  There are plates everywhere.  The counters are yucky.  The refrigerator has NO organization; it is entirely possible that opening the door could cause an avalanche since the children put the food away but I'm at peace right now.  I'm in problem-solving mode.  With a quick prayer that I can keep all of my utilities on until I can schedule the payments, I sit down an begin to plan.  

I have to train the children.  Kind or judgemental relatives are always saying this but what they don't understand is that I haven't been able to figure out how to take care of me, provide for them and teach them.  Something is always sacrificed.  Today I am going to order a chalkboard so that I can put their chores on it and the consequences of not completing those chores.  Repeating myself doesn't work and they don't seek the work that needs to be done so there needs to be a center of operations so they can't claim not to know.  My daughter will deny ever having been told to do anything despite our daily conversations.  

In a moment I am going to give myself 2 hours to clean before sitting down to complete this work for my grad class. I have decided not to write the paper for the classes that I took at the University of Salamanca only because there are better ways to increase my income in the time that I've been given.  I could do it for pride or to say I did but that's all.  I will continue with that course of study as long as it continues to inform my professional practice but as always this time of year I am thinking more about what I would most enjoy dedicating my time to.  

If I can complete these things today, I will be able to complete some work and plan for work tomorrow and I can walk into the work week prepared and balanced.   

I've learned some things over this short holiday: put sleep first, diet second and put exercise third
then only will I have will and the strength to do everything else that must be done.  Will I go to the gym today? 

I have to find the will go to the gym.  It's so much more complicated in the cold.

Sunday, November 19, 2017


Another weekend squandered...kind of.   I watched some episodes of The Punisher, did a lot of laundry, cooked, did dishes, went grocery shopping... and still there is so much more to do.  I haven't even located the book that I must read to meet my biggest goal this weekend.

I have eaten all manner of junk food this weekend and feel every bit of it as my cold hangs on...
I have to refocus a bit on eating and sleeping for balance. I have long considered myself a healthy eater, this week I realized that I am a healthy eater because I don't give myself other options and that if I have other options I will make bad decisions.  This week has shown me that.  It was the single cookie, the one piece of chocolate, the bacon on my salad, the food from the restaurant (too much salt!) and cumulatively I did not make good decisions.   Each one of these things seems so small but really underscore the importance of consistently good decisions.  I haven't been to the gym because I have a cold and I haven't don't what I need to do to shake the cold.  This is another of my resets.

It is so difficult to be switching gears to getting out of debt right around the holidays.  It would be easy to get them a few cheap things but I don't believe in wasting money especially money that I already owe to others.  I don't like the idea of buying things to buy things.  Things take up space and waste valuable resources.  I don't want to get anything that doesn't enrich their lives in some way.   With as little as I'm able to buy them they somehow still end up so spoiled and entitled anyway.  It's kind of an American problem, I think.   We talk about kindness a lot.  This week we'll focus on gratefulness.

Friday, November 10, 2017

Truth (Written previously but posted today)

This day has been a long one filled with things that I must do.  I'm exhausted and breaking.  I woke up at 3am and unable to get back to sleep I wiped down the kitchen counters and got ready to go to work.  I could barely keep my eyes open by the afternoon and still I had a meeting after work that I had to attend; it was across town.  I had 3 cups of coffee today. I took a power nap in the car.  I finally get back home and I'm met with that thing that I cannot hold.  Again, sleep eludes me.  It is a curse.

I just need for everyone to be okay.  What do you do when they need so much more than you can give.  I feel my heart closing, protecting itself.  I have no pity.  I just need to be able to get up tomorrow and face my responsibilities.  How can I fight your demons when I'm hardly enough to feed you?  I'm exhausted there is nothing to fill me and you want more... somewhere in the recesses of my mind I understand and wish I could fix it.

What a Week!

At the end of a week of accepting all challenges and opportunities,  I came home with a bit of a sore throat, took a shower and went to bed.  I woke up with a raging sore throat, a stuffy nose, and a just feeling tired.  I dressed for the gym and took myself out to breakfast I parked outside but ultimately I didn't go into the gym, better I heal before I walk into another full week of challenges. 

I've had connection on my mind a lot lately but when I'm always accepting these challenges I'm not left with much time to figure out the whole connection thing, or even to really contemplate it.  I find it is my last thought each night as I drift off to sleep,  just a question.   Though I won't go to the gym today I haven't given up on working out and of course, Jillian Michaels is my favorite for a quick high-intensity workout. I got rid of the old DVD player during the move so I'll have to see if I can find something on YouTube.

Sleep eludes me as the children keep popping in to share snippets of their doings with me.  Apparently, I am the best audience seconds before REM.  So I gave up and decided to do this. 

Despite feeling crummy, I have to say I'm feeling optimistic about life in general.  I don't have it solved but it feels possible.  I have a few dollars to afford the gas for our trips to soccer games this weekend and then to buy the snacks and food he'll need for this tournament.  It's going to be a tight week and I still have to figure out lunches.

Maybe I should go for a walk today too.  I'm not feeling even a little creative. 

I read my son the first few pages of Mary Shelly's Frankenstein.  We'll have to keep reading.