“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
Wednesday, May 9, 2018
Here I am, having once again bitten off more than I can comfortably chew. Today I have to write and make a detailed plan for my next 7 days as I have a looming deadline. I have been exhausted and instead of staying up to work I get in bed because I know the importance of sleep to my body. My brain doesn't function on a useful level when I need sleep.
It's all caught up with me and I'm home sick today. Exhausted, my body doesn't seem to be able to do it's healing magic the way it should be able to.
So much of my good feeling comes from problem-solving. I must wonder how I would feel if those problems never arose. I'm sitting in a house that stinks and I can't find anyone to find what is in the air ducts and remove it. I'm 0-2. The recent wind storm blew down parts of my fence that I don't have money to get fixed. My pool might have cracked in the freeze as the water level is stagnant even after it rains. I still need to buy some furniture for storage... I need the duct in one of the bathrooms fixed as the concrete in it is crumbling. I need to put up real window coverings that I now know cost a fortune... and yet I recognize each of these challenges as an opportunity for another success, another up. ...even as I recognize, I pause as I think about selling my energy for the means to solve these probems. It feels a bit like a trap. With only one life to live it seems such a waste to spend all of one's finite resources on this type of cycle.
There are moments that confirm your life choices... and moments that make you regret. This past weekend I felt all of those and ultimately I walked away with the appreciation that I can feel again. I felt. I felt joy. I felt sadness. I felt wonder. I felt grateful.
So many unanswered questions from the past 18 years surfaced and just like before I had to bury them and make my own sense of it all.
I'm trying to figure out, still trying to figure out how to be a whole person, a good parent and still provide all that my children need. I seem to have missed the mark by a mile and two more are almost grown. I've had to run away for a moment.
I'm sitting here trying to think, to find my peace. I'm begging them daily to do the smallest things to help me and, at best, I get an agreeable word but then I have to ask 4 more times and raise my voice to get a half-assed attempt. My daughter will deny I ever asked. My 12-year-olds will either not move at all or make plaintive sounds as they drag their feet until I'm almost screaming at them and ultimately I do most of it myself.
I'm having my normal meal at Silver Diner. Vegetarian Chili and a side salad. ..
Bills and needs sit constantly on my mind but as I've had enough sleep, I don't feel stressed right now. Thanksgiving was nice but the house is wrecked right now. There are plates everywhere. The counters are yucky. The refrigerator has NO organization; it is entirely possible that opening the door could cause an avalanche since the children put the food away but I'm at peace right now. I'm in problem-solving mode. With a quick prayer that I can keep all of my utilities on until I can schedule the payments, I sit down an begin to plan.
I have to train the children. Kind or judgemental relatives are always saying this but what they don't understand is that I haven't been able to figure out how to take care of me, provide for them and teach them. Something is always sacrificed. Today I am going to order a chalkboard so that I can put their chores on it and the consequences of not completing those chores. Repeating myself doesn't work and they don't seek the work that needs to be done so there needs to be a center of operations so they can't claim not to know. My daughter will deny ever having been told to do anything despite our daily conversations.
In a moment I am going to give myself 2 hours to clean before sitting down to complete this work for my grad class. I have decided not to write the paper for the classes that I took at the University of Salamanca only because there are better ways to increase my income in the time that I've been given. I could do it for pride or to say I did but that's all. I will continue with that course of study as long as it continues to inform my professional practice but as always this time of year I am thinking more about what I would most enjoy dedicating my time to.
If I can complete these things today, I will be able to complete some work and plan for work tomorrow and I can walk into the work week prepared and balanced.
I've learned some things over this short holiday: put sleep first, diet second and put exercise third
then only will I have will and the strength to do everything else that must be done. Will I go to the gym today?
I have to find the will go to the gym. It's so much more complicated in the cold.