Saturday, November 25, 2017

Exhale

Bills and needs sit constantly on my mind but as I've had enough sleep, I don't feel stressed right now.  Thanksgiving was nice but the house is wrecked right now.  There are plates everywhere.  The counters are yucky.  The refrigerator has NO organization; it is entirely possible that opening the door could cause an avalanche since the children put the food away but I'm at peace right now.  I'm in problem-solving mode.  With a quick prayer that I can keep all of my utilities on until I can schedule the payments, I sit down an begin to plan.  

I have to train the children.  Kind or judgemental relatives are always saying this but what they don't understand is that I haven't been able to figure out how to take care of me, provide for them and teach them.  Something is always sacrificed.  Today I am going to order a chalkboard so that I can put their chores on it and the consequences of not completing those chores.  Repeating myself doesn't work and they don't seek the work that needs to be done so there needs to be a center of operations so they can't claim not to know.  My daughter will deny ever having been told to do anything despite our daily conversations.  

In a moment I am going to give myself 2 hours to clean before sitting down to complete this work for my grad class. I have decided not to write the paper for the classes that I took at the University of Salamanca only because there are better ways to increase my income in the time that I've been given.  I could do it for pride or to say I did but that's all.  I will continue with that course of study as long as it continues to inform my professional practice but as always this time of year I am thinking more about what I would most enjoy dedicating my time to.  

If I can complete these things today, I will be able to complete some work and plan for work tomorrow and I can walk into the work week prepared and balanced.   

I've learned some things over this short holiday: put sleep first, diet second and put exercise third
then only will I have will and the strength to do everything else that must be done.  Will I go to the gym today? 

I have to find the will go to the gym.  It's so much more complicated in the cold.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Resetting

Another weekend squandered...kind of.   I watched some episodes of The Punisher, did a lot of laundry, cooked, did dishes, went grocery shopping... and still there is so much more to do.  I haven't even located the book that I must read to meet my biggest goal this weekend.

I have eaten all manner of junk food this weekend and feel every bit of it as my cold hangs on...
I have to refocus a bit on eating and sleeping for balance. I have long considered myself a healthy eater, this week I realized that I am a healthy eater because I don't give myself other options and that if I have other options I will make bad decisions.  This week has shown me that.  It was the single cookie, the one piece of chocolate, the bacon on my salad, the food from the restaurant (too much salt!) and cumulatively I did not make good decisions.   Each one of these things seems so small but really underscore the importance of consistently good decisions.  I haven't been to the gym because I have a cold and I haven't don't what I need to do to shake the cold.  This is another of my resets.

It is so difficult to be switching gears to getting out of debt right around the holidays.  It would be easy to get them a few cheap things but I don't believe in wasting money especially money that I already owe to others.  I don't like the idea of buying things to buy things.  Things take up space and waste valuable resources.  I don't want to get anything that doesn't enrich their lives in some way.   With as little as I'm able to buy them they somehow still end up so spoiled and entitled anyway.  It's kind of an American problem, I think.   We talk about kindness a lot.  This week we'll focus on gratefulness.




Friday, November 10, 2017

Truth (Written previously but posted today)

This day has been a long one filled with things that I must do.  I'm exhausted and breaking.  I woke up at 3am and unable to get back to sleep I wiped down the kitchen counters and got ready to go to work.  I could barely keep my eyes open by the afternoon and still I had a meeting after work that I had to attend; it was across town.  I had 3 cups of coffee today. I took a power nap in the car.  I finally get back home and I'm met with that thing that I cannot hold.  Again, sleep eludes me.  It is a curse.

I just need for everyone to be okay.  What do you do when they need so much more than you can give.  I feel my heart closing, protecting itself.  I have no pity.  I just need to be able to get up tomorrow and face my responsibilities.  How can I fight your demons when I'm hardly enough to feed you?  I'm exhausted there is nothing to fill me and you want more... somewhere in the recesses of my mind I understand and wish I could fix it.

What a Week!

At the end of a week of accepting all challenges and opportunities,  I came home with a bit of a sore throat, took a shower and went to bed.  I woke up with a raging sore throat, a stuffy nose, and a just feeling tired.  I dressed for the gym and took myself out to breakfast I parked outside but ultimately I didn't go into the gym, better I heal before I walk into another full week of challenges. 

I've had connection on my mind a lot lately but when I'm always accepting these challenges I'm not left with much time to figure out the whole connection thing, or even to really contemplate it.  I find it is my last thought each night as I drift off to sleep,  just a question.   Though I won't go to the gym today I haven't given up on working out and of course, Jillian Michaels is my favorite for a quick high-intensity workout. I got rid of the old DVD player during the move so I'll have to see if I can find something on YouTube.

Sleep eludes me as the children keep popping in to share snippets of their doings with me.  Apparently, I am the best audience seconds before REM.  So I gave up and decided to do this. 

Despite feeling crummy, I have to say I'm feeling optimistic about life in general.  I don't have it solved but it feels possible.  I have a few dollars to afford the gas for our trips to soccer games this weekend and then to buy the snacks and food he'll need for this tournament.  It's going to be a tight week and I still have to figure out lunches.

Maybe I should go for a walk today too.  I'm not feeling even a little creative. 

I read my son the first few pages of Mary Shelly's Frankenstein.  We'll have to keep reading. 



Saturday, October 28, 2017

Why?

I was thinking about why I do this.  I write to write, but I also write to remember the journey. As I hope not to continue this particular struggle in perpetuity, though I sometimes wonder if this is all there is and if I need to find a way to embrace it, enjoy it even... I think it will be important to remember what I felt during this struggle, what I now feel.  I know that the struggles don't end, that we are wired to create them and when I have gotten to a point in which I am no longer creating struggles, well, I may have fulfilled my purpose.

It is a puzzle I'm trying to crack.  How do you survive this so that you can be present when your children have their own?  How do you enjoy this day enough to find the strength to be present in the next?  How do you keep enough hope to keep working a bit harder than others?  How do you keep wanting it?  How do you keep dreaming?  How do you keep believing that the children can come out of this unscathed and still be whole, happy, successful contributors to society?  How can you ensure that they have the respect of others AND their own?  What do you teach them when you no longer believe?  How do you keep your doubts to yourself?    Is it possible to truly be enough?

In this country with our false doctrine of self-reliance and our pretend protections of the sanctity of life there comes a time when the struggle to continue to buy in is real.  How do we who must truly protect the sanctity of life continue to find hope?  How do we heal?

I'm all questions and my writing is simply a search for strategies to find make hope.  I so bought into the puritan work ethic and the idea that salvation is attainable through work that I have to almost forcibly overcome my guilt on days like this when I need a moment to rest or a moment without active work toward a goal.



Saturday... heavy quiet.

It's a bit of a lazy day or a slow day. I got up, read Twitter for a bit, made tea, baked apples, put beans in the crockpot and thought about going to the gym.  My hair is in it's most natural state, I'm still in my jammies.  I'm finishing up my 2nd cup of coffee.  I'm confident that the strength to finish the laundry is somewhere near the bottom and with any luck there will be some strength to go to the gym in there too.

I'm in that space between paychecks in which I need to count my pennies to see how much lunch and dinner, in that order, I will be able to afford for the week.  Oh, and a tank of gas is also a necessity lest my house of cards plunge. It is a beans week, bean soup, beans and rice, all kinds of beans.

I took a good look at the bills and am trying to come up with a plan for the next year.  Right now it's not looking so good but my people here deserve more opportunity.  I will find a way.   I have to finish my online coursework, that will help a little bit.  I would so like to study for the pleasure of studying, but I study to earn.  I think I will make that a goal for this weekend.  At least to write all of the summaries and reflections.

I need to shift to getting out of debt again but at the same time present needs crop up.  I breathe and steel myself.  It'll be fine.  I picked out a dining room table that I would like and a painting.  I have been looking at tables since before I closed on the house and none of them really spoke to me.  I love this table and I cannot afford it but I will not settle.  I will wait.

I've got to pay the electric bill. It'll be fine.... bills.

My son bounces a soccer ball outside; it's nervewracking.

But behind all of the worry and scrounging for cents I feel profoundly grateful as my children play in the tree outside.

Using just a sliver of my attention to "watch" Finding Forrester with my Bo.

Friday, October 27, 2017

This week I experienced such a smooth deftness with words that I had to smile.  I seldom enjoy conversations that much.