Sunday, July 11, 2010

The thing is ...

All of this is an attempt to heal.  I mistakenly gave my mind away with my heart and I am unsure how to retrieve it.  I do hope that it is not as damaged as my heart.    It is also an attempt to solve the problems of single motherhood and to "come back."

In my near future I have to find a home, find reliable child care, organize our lives, distance myself from my most recent hurts so that I can heal to love again another day 'sigh' family, and I have to live.  I have to invest in my life so that it pays off for my family.

The hardest things is being beholden to someone for the time that they give to my kids.  I would prefer never to have to ask anything of anyone because without even realizing it they either hesitate (and in that second while they are thinking I hear every kind of negative) or mention later how much they have done for us and I get a drowning feeling.  Emotional debt is the worse kind.

This is the year I will find my autonomy.  Divorce is sad but not being able to stand on your own two feet is the saddest, most pathetic feeling there is.  I know.

I am just learning to reconnect, not to be identified by responsibility.  ...

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

How? I just don't know anymore.

Today it all came full circle and again I felt that I needed him.  I know that no matter how much we need him he will not be with us because we cannot support him.

At the end of the day there was no one to help me do what needed to be done for my children and I must put work first because without that they have no roof and no food and so their other needs have to be put on the back burner and it hurts because I know what they need but I'm one person.

That man looked in my face and said to me that the son he has with his girlfriend needs him.  He said that she is not like me.  He said, "You do what you have to do."  He said that he knew that with me the children were fine and I don't believe that.  She puts food in his belly and pays the rent.  So the fact that I raise our 5 children without his help is fine?

What am I to do?  How do I teach them, protect them, and provide for them and still show them how much I love them?

Sunday, July 4, 2010

5 a.m.

I sit here and think about not thinking about him. I've let him go. That last fall off the wagon hurt. I'm still shaken by my ability to be foolish. I have to take drastic measures. I decided that I will never see or speak to him again. Last night I had to resist sending text explaining that to him. I wanted to explain to him what I need him to do but of course he mightn't want this to end as much as I need it to. He needs to sign the custody and divorce papers. He will get visitation even though it is the ultimate disrespect to have my children around the woman he cheated with. I just need for it to be over.

It was too much for him to hold me and tell me he missed me, the moment was so intimate, so sweet but someone else moved on his immigration case and so he would be beholden. She wouldn't know about the intimacies of the previous week. She wouldn't know what he asked me every time we spoke. She wouldn't know that I told him to stay with her if he had any doubts about being with me. I wouldn't ever know what it was to be loved by him without feeling like I had to earn it by making his life easier. It would always be about immigration, about money. I hadn't done enough for him. It didn't matter that I was raising his 5 children without his help. That, after all, isn't for him. She paid the rent and let him come home after cheating.