Friday, December 31, 2010

I am sitting in the car with screaming children. Just checking to see if this posts to my blog. I would like to do something today to close out the year.

Friday, 31 December, 2010

What a year it has been!!  I have gone through this year knowing that I must be where I am right now but it has been less enjoyable then I had hoped.   It has been a tough year.  My children have had to grow up more quickly than I would like and take on responsibilities that I haven't been ready for them to take on and I have been quite afraid.  It has led me to think about the role of faith in life and the function that it has.  I cannot forgive myself for what they have had to take on but if I said that I put it in God's hands it would be alright to so many.  It is a way of gaining some freedom from our own expectations of ourselves. I still haven't managed to do it but it's a thought.  It is a way of accepting they way things are.  I don't do that very well.  I think that we should always strive to get to the way things should be.  And yet as hard as I try I haven't gotten there yet.  Well, I haven't been able to stay there.  I've seen it but cannot stay present in it something always happens.  I have another approach to self forgiveness and I see my struggles as God's way of not letting me get too comfortable with where I am.  After struggling so much it just feels good to be home, in a place of my choosing, in MY space but I refuse to simply accept the struggle so I must continue to plan and to work and to move forward.

Right now the kids sleep behind me and I look around at the mess that I still have to find a place for.  It took us almost a full year to begin to get established.  A full year living with family.  A full year of them living with us.  'whew'  I now have 3 days to do all that I put on the back burner for the last few months.  I have class work to do for my online class and a website to finish creating for my students and extended lesson plans to create so that I can breathe when I get back to school.  I have to call a new babysitter, do laundry and sort clothes and pay rent, and put my utilities in my name and put gas in the car and write out a schedule so that I can continue to have time for me in the morning.

I want time to read something other than an education textbook.  I went to the doctor yesterday and had a 2 hour wait.  It was glorious.  I got to read without interruption.  Other people huffed and puffed and complained and rescheduled but for me it was a break, a moment in which it wasn't even within my power to do something else so I couldn't feel guilty.  I started to read 2 books in Spanish.  (I couldn't decide which I wanted to start with.)  Somehow reading La Llorona  in the OB/GYN office seemed wrong after I read the first two pages.  So I switched to a book called  Arrancame la Vida  I sill don't know which I will continue first or if I will even be able to pick them up again before summer.

It feels kind of nice to bring this year to a close.  I open new eyes to look upon 2011.  ...and I leap....