Monday, January 31, 2011

Not Applicable

So I'm sitting in the doctor's office and I had to update my address. The form asked for all of my information and then I got to the section that said "father". I wrote N/A. It felt powerful. I wrote it in big bold strokes accross the whole section.

Poor baby is too often his sister's dress-up doll. This time he went andpicked out her purple stripped sparkle socks to wear. He IS laughter.
The children are nestled all snug in their beds (or mine) with their pajamas on inside out in hopes that there won't be school tomorrow.

Today I began to think about a master's degree in speech pathology. It is linked to my present job but it also interests me because of my braveheart's impediment.
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Sunday, January 30, 2011

... again the feeling that deadlines hover exceedingly closer

Again the feeling that deadlines hover exceedingly closer and I look around and try to prioritize.  No matter how important the other work I must clean first although I never finish.    It always feel like I'm wasting time in everything that I do because it is never the most important thing but everything is so interdependent.   I must clean house to think and because my children still need to learn all of these little things that require time and attention.  In order to feed them, however, I must work.

The children stop cleaning to play every 5-10 minutes.   They keep running in here.  I am about to put the gate up.  The baby won't let me put him down.  

FUNNY!!
Yesterday the children went out to play in the snow.  Their snowman had been knocked down  (they thought)  When I opened the door to check on them.  My 10 year-old daughter yells, "Mom, we're playing "Bones".  I'm Temperance Brennan,"  She tells me that her brother is "Booth".  a second later my 5 year yells out "I'm Angela."  I didn't know that she had even watched with me.  I think they were trying to determine what happened to their snowman.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Mixed Blessings

Wow! Our third day off of school this week!

Without internet I can't complete my lesson plans so we are going to try to get out of the house. I have some errands to run and will try to get the kids to the doctor.

The kids are going to go clean off the car while I make them hot chocolate.


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Monday, January 24, 2011

Almost 6 am... 01/24/2010

I fell asleep last night and when I woke up everyone was sleeping in my bed.  One was complaining because his siblings wouldn't share the blanket and the house was too dark to get another one.  I would have loved to continue to sleep but there was simply no room for me so I am up having my morning tea.

It would be nice if they had computers and things to do in their rooms.  I am going to try to make that happen soon.  Right now life is just about keeping them fed and clothed.  Yesterday I spent $50 online for uniforms for my big boy.  My mother had gotten him some free and they never fit quite right but he never complained.  I love that about him.  He also didn't have a belt but one of my older sons left an old D ring belt here so he would wear that fighting to get it through the belt loops on his pants and when I had to wash I would fight to get it out.  They were a bit short but he didn't care.  I think he will be so happy to see  his new pants and a new belt.  It is money that I won't spend on food so I have to shop carefully this weekend for 2 weeks and for the babysitters.  My price went up at the babysitters but I still can't complain I am saving so much.  Well, not really saving it as I don't have the money to pay more but I am not getting sick over where the money will come from. Things are the tightest but we can do it.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

I'm so close

I was talking to the children about their father.  They had questions.  I am one being.  Is there anyone who can successfully separate being a mother and being a woman?  I felt so much hurt during that conversation that I almost cried.  I told them that I was sorry that my judgement had been so faulty.  My daughter likes to remind me  that if it hadn't been none of them would be here.  She is correct but I see so much possible consequence in her life.  The fact that he put his momentary desires before their developmental needs simply cannot be disputed. To me, in one hot stupid moment he altered the paths of their lives and he has toyed with those paths since.  He doesn't think of the future.  Life is about enjoying the moment.  I take that back.  He thinks about the future - his.  He probably thinks of theirs too and how the decisions he makes will benefit them when he becomes a business owner or strikes it rich some other way.  They only want to show him their work when they come home from school or to feel that he is proud of them.  They want to look into his eyes and feel loved by him...but he will turn himself into their bank and cheapen that sacred bond.

He sent the sweetest message to my son, his eldest son yesterday.  It almost broke my heart.  It was like hanging a father out in front of him to tease him, a father that he can only talk about or be for the shortest times, a father who can only truly exist in the imaginations of his children.

Today is one of those days that MUST completely lack balance because I have work to do.  Yesterday in order to have a place to think I accomplished an amazing amount of housework.  I just put another load in the washing machine and folded the towels but today must belong to my kids at work and not to my kids at home.

It is 5:55 in the evening and the children are busy undoing all of the work that I did yesterday.  My daughter begs to play dress up and the others run through the house chasing each other and throwing things at each other.  When one ends up crying the excuse is always, "but we were playing."  The other denies the allegation.

The children are all in the living room listening to music and dancing.  Since we don't yet have furniture, they have an empty dance floor and it is fun to watch.  I just take quick glimpses to make sure they are alright.  I have borrowed the gate that I use to keep the baby out of the kitchen to put in my bedroom door so that they don't run in and out. We don't have a television so they have created an imaginary world.  I overhear them talking about who has what role in their band.  I have had so many brooms broken over the years that I have had to take their microphone from them.  The baby, who doesn't keep any clothes on so well, dances in his diaper and sings in his tone deaf way. (That would be his father's contribution.)

My daughter, who just put on her ballerina dress comes to door and says, "Mom, you're going to have to duct tape this."  I am thinking the worst and say, "duct tape what?"  She turns and shows me a hole in her dress.  Where is grandma when you need her?

I let the baby in the room for a moment.  He is 20 months old.  I go to the kitchen to serve the soup and when I come back I see that he has a dark ring around his mouth.  I look around to see what he might have eaten and when lean over my coffee cup I see that it is empty.  He drank it all.  There was probably only an ounce left but too much for a 1 year old.  It's going to be a long night.

When deciding what to cook for dinner I was limited.  I had a couple of turkey wings so I decided to make soup.  My can opener broke, however, and we are almost out of vegetables.  It's not bad though I have to say.  It has in it, beans, quinoa, cabbage, onion, green pepper, garlic, green beans, black eyed peas, tomato soup, turkey and rice.  It turned out more like stew.

The baby is standing next to me singing.  He stops every few minutes to applaud himself and says "yay".

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Moments

My daughter was playing doctor earlier and I noticed that when she plays doctor she speaks with an accent.   It made me smile.

I was just discussing the children's father with them and I am still not able to be completely rational so much hurt resurfaced...

Another 3 day Weekend

Friday evening was mine.  I didn't work -at all.  I also did nothing else I was so tired.  In just a moment I will have my morning tea, clean house and begin my work work.  I have SO much to do.   Right now 2 are awake and 3 asleep.  I just took moment to make tea and start the dishwasher. I sit here with a cup of tea and a bowl of olives and decompress... 'sigh'

I have wonderfully little on my mind this morning...the sticky keys on my keyboard...what the kids will do while I work.  (They will no doubt bicker.) This is one of those times in which I have so much to do that I simply have to leave yesterday's and tomorrow's worries where they are.

The "man" of the house decided to get up and help me.

I have decided that I would like to get a Master's degree.  I haven't decided yet what I want to study.  I had started to do Education but was overwhelmed by the pregnancy and bored by the study. I decided that though there is much that I would still like to learn about education...I really still want to do my Masters in Caribbean Studies or even Spanish...

Friday, January 21, 2011

TGIFriday...What is best for them?

I feel like it's going to be a good day.  I have so much to do but that just makes it go quickly.  We were hoping for a snow day but when we didn't get a flurry I found that I wasn't really disappointed.

I have been thinking about my children spending some time in Cuba.  I worry and wonder but I am so worried about their worlds being too small and their values being wrong.  They are being raised by a black single mother in the United States!  Sure there are success stories but too few and too many of them are people to somehow managed despite the odds to be mediocre.  I don't want that for my children.  I keep pushing the thoughts away because they hurt but I must do something and keep doing something so that when my children dream, they dream big.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

"Monday!!!!....No, Tuesday!!!!

Two hour delay and I have just decided to have a wonderful day!!!  I started to stress.  I have so much to do and I am not prepared for all of it.  I realized that although I didn't accomplish what I wanted to accomplish this weekend I didn't stop working.  I did mommy things, those things that free me up emotionally to do my work work.  Baby boy is sleeping behind me.   I have to get him to take his medicine in a moment.  He won't accept that it is coffee anymore.  Apparently, the doses that he received at the hospital were better tasting.  So I just have to fight with him and hope that he doesn't choke or throw it up.

I have had my first cup of tea.  I woke up "braveheart" an hour ago to use the potty and he is back asleep.  This is precious time.  If I sit to write in the mornings it makes me think back through my weekend and plan my day today without panic.  Yes, I fall short but I don't stop.  Hopefully that counts for something.

Monday, January 17, 2011

End of a 3-day weekend

Today I have so much to do.  This weekend has been filled with so much and much of that wasn't even part of my plans.  I did manage to do the girls' hair but I also spent time in the emergency room and getting medicine, begging the children to clean...  Today they will because I will not prepare breakfast until they do.  My daughter will say that she is weak, that she MUST eat SOMETHING.  I will tell her that she had all weekend to do as I asked. 

This day cannot belong to my children; it must belong to my work.  I have so much to do.  I will call out orders and stop my work at mealtimes.  I will banish thoughts of summer because I have so much to do NOW. 

On a lighter note,  the only way I could get the baby to take his medicine was to tell him to drink his coffee.  He loved it.  He has such a mature palate.  He loves candy but he also likes coffee without sugar and dark chocolate.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Today

"These are the times that try (wo)mens souls...". Props to whomever wrote that. I can't remember.

I am sitting in the emergency room with 5 children. So far 'braveheart' has climbed onto a table, attacked his sister, taken the baby's balloon, (that got him chased around the waiting room and tackled by his baby brother- who is the one being brought to the ER). When we got to the room he managed to push every button he could reach (thank God he's short). He ran out of the room to grab a book he saw in a room accross the hall. He climbed up on the stretcher, erased their white board with his hand and then after yet another protest from me, he laid down and began to sing "I whip my head back and forth"  sometimes substituting other words for head. At one point it sounded like he was singing, "I wear my shoes back and forth". I looked over to find that they were on the wrong feet.

He is on the counter now 'sigh'

The baby has a double ear infection,yay. These are the days that I imagine that the other contributor of their genetic material is waking up with the sun and getting out of bed stretching, eating breakfast... not a concern for these, MY people.

That he never wanted to have them rings in my ears and my blood either boils or runs cold..., both?
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Saturday, January 15, 2011

A thought

"All credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth come only from the senses."
Friedrich Nietzsche

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It's Saturday of a 3 Day Weekend

It's Saturday of a 3-day weekend.  I am optimistic and ambitious. I want at this point to clean the house.  To finish my financial aid deferment papers.  I want to lesson plan for the next school week. I want to update my teacher website.  I want to write.  I got an idea for some writing!  Yay!  Not my first idea, let's see if I can find more than a page or 2 to say on the topic.  I want to do my daughters' hair.  I want to read at least a chapter in some book. I want to sit and look at my calendar while my children are asleep and plan a few days....

At this point the divorce is just an idea.  He says we will divorce.  I say we will divorce.  I am a bit bitter about having to pay for it but it may never happen if I don't.  He threatened to take the children from me yesterday.  A man who has no job, who married me to get to my country, a man who gave me 5 children and cheated because he was working on his next one.  He lives with that worman now and threatens to take my children.  Yesterday I felt hatred.  He blames me for ruining his life because I sued him for child support.  He is not aware of all of the things that I didn't do for which he should be thankful.  Here are a few of them:
I didn't
  • slash his tires
  • spraypaint the names of all of his children on the shiney car the worman's mother got for him
  • I didn't buy the billboard in his neighborhood  with his picture that said, "Is this yo baby 'deddy'?"
  • I didn't call her every time ... (I had to know that I didn't cause his departure) and tell her, "but I don't have to take care of his ess"
Let's talk about some of what HE didn't do.
  • grow up
  • learn to take responsibility for his own big boy decisions
  • develop a sense of autonomy 
  • learn what a woman is
At the end of the day yesterday I was so angry at him.  I sat down and spent money that I could not afford to spend to call his mother.  She is a good listener.  I don't ask for her to take sides or to tell me I am right or wrong I just needed to get it off of my chest and that coward won't talk to me.  He just texts me threats and lies.  So I call her and I talk and I am speaking so fast (lest my calling card run out before I have made my point) and she is so quiet that I have to stop and make sure that we are still connected.  $40 and as many minutes later I feel better and we say good bye sending love to each one's family.  When we met he had a daughter and I had 2 sons.  I found out yesterday that he is going to be a grandfather.  I haven't figured out how I am going to let him know that I know.  It's bitter sweet.  She's a wonderful girl but you want them to live first.  I want to hug her and cry.  I also want to hold the baby when he/she comes.

I want him to know that I think it is his fault for not being a father to her.  Now I have to find a way to keep my daughters from suffering the same fate.  Maybe I'm wrong...?

The woman who decides to be with him changes who she is.  She dies to herself frequently or they decide that they share only a sliver of life and while keeping their individual lives.  As long as she never looks for fairness or never needs fidelity as long as he can define love for her, she will be fine.  As long as she accepts, "But didn't I come home?" said with that cocky shrug ready to dismiss any argument she may have.  And as long as she is always willing to foot the bill.  The money she makes can at any time be used to take another woman to dinner...

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Letting Go...

It has been 10 years of almost letting go, of meaning to let go, of trying to let go of closing my eyes and saying, "OK, that's it!" and then opening them to realize that I hadn't let go, looking at what I was holding onto and thinking that I really didn't want to let go yet but then it hurt to hold on...

I have moved, shared much of the story with my children and truly begun to let go.  I realize this because when I see pictures of him now I feel disgust, not with him but with me for not being made out of better more intelligent stuff.  So I look at how things are.  He lives with this woman who he cheated with.  They have a son.

I will never truly understand if or how he loves my children.  I have to learn to let that go.  He will always say that he does.  I learned in our exchanges that his words were convenient and he almost always said the thing that was appropriate at the time and if there was not something to say that he could be proud of or not suffer some consequence, he wouldn't speak.

I am ready for the divorce.   As I have always told the children, "Life isn't fair."  Funny how I expected mine to be.  I expected the cosmos to somehow avenge me.  It doesn't work that way.  I can only sweep the remains up and carefully lovingly run them to safety.

I have tried to hold back hatred.  Every time I try I vilify the woman and sleep with him.  I have told him that I hate her and I know that I should hate him but I'm not ready for that.

I prepare myself for the possibility that I will have to share my children with that.  I have already come up with a coping strategy and a way for it to work for me but...

I was reading Nietzsche quotes and one mentioned the non-existence of truth and only the existence of perspective.  One thing about all of this that has absolutely baffled me has been that our stories don't even overlap.  What made me as horrible as he must've seen me if I was only trying to make it work and to be all that everyone needed?  That time was an absolute waste of being and I can never get it back.  I can never get understanding.  He has created another reality.   So the only thing left for me to do is to create one as well, one that exists independent of him.  The question is how to do it in a way that allows my children to be whole to know who they come from, to feel loved by him.  I know from experience how important that is.  How do I decrease the impact of the "sins of the father?"

Sunday, January 2, 2011

I am AGAIN sitting in the car with the kids, with 3 of them. We are talking about death of all things. My little twins are 5 and curious.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

some thoughts

It is 7:27pm on New Year's Eve and I sit in the car outside of my son's hotel. We were going to have dinner but his girlfriend is sick (poor thing, she got me a watch. This is what we gave her.) My son is beginning to feel ill as well.

The kids are restless. I am cranky. I was only able to check off one thing on my list today but I have wasted so much gas.
In the next hour or so I have to come up with some ritual to make the night special. I am so anxious and I don't know why.

We don't have beds yet so we all share a room and 2 mattresses pushed together to make 1 king sized bed. We have no television so my computer is our entertainment center. I have "window shopped" but right now that's where we are.

It is 7:37pm and the kids bicker, scream and tell on each other. I have blocked them out in a feeble attempt to cling to the last bit of the day's sanity ration.

A 9 year-old throws something and hits a 5 year old. She screams. I should be staying at a hotel.