Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentines Day

I realized a few days ago that I find this day stupid. Or my favorite kid word, "dumb.". I didn't feel sad or like I was missing anything. I watched a show where people discussed their most memorable Valentines Day. I have only had one and even that one is only memorable because it stands alone. It was shortly after the birth of my oldest son and a most painful year together.

I wonder what this means for my life..

I am at P. F. Changs with the kids.

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Sunday, February 13, 2011

Nothing Goes as Planned

As usual I wasn't able to accomplish all that I had hoped.  My washing machine is not working so I have to take clothing for 6 to the laundrymat.  The thing that made my rent worth paying was that this apartment had a washer and dryer.  For the past hour I have been trying to get 5 children dressed and ready to go.  I am just hoping to get a parking space so that I can see them from the laundrymat and they can stay in the car.

I still have to get valentines treats for my 10 year olds to take to school tomorrow.  ...and then there is the work that is for me and only indirectly for them.  I am putting my game face on now.  'sigh' I am squaring my shoulders leaving frustration behind me and simply doing what I have to do.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Today, I work...

It has already been a fabulous morning.  I got up at 7:40 am and shortly thereafter my 5 year olds did too.  We had spaghetti for breakfast and watched the news of what is happening in Egypt.  The spring pops out of my $40 Walmart rocking chair again and my 5 year olds set about repairing it.  What fun!  My son goes for the duct tape and my daughter for the scissors.  They tuck the spring back in and try to cut off pieces of duct tape which sticks to itself faster than they can separate it from the roll.  Undaunted, they tuck the pieces that they remove under and around the spring.  My sun looks up at me, smiles and says, "I'm Handy Manny.  I fix it you break it."  the spring pops back out the second I sit down and I tell them that we will attempt to fix it together later.

The spaghetti was my best in a while.

The baby is standing in front of me holding the ipod, listening to music and dancing.  He loves music.  His singing is recognizable as singing only because he holds the notes.  He sings like his father.

I have so many little things to do for my students today but I feel good because I feel that I can do them.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Homework blues

My 10 year old son is doing homework and had to find the perimeter of a shape on his paper.  He had four options for answers:
a.)120 feet
b.)102 feet
c.) 72 feet
d.) 52 feet

At a glance, my answer was "d." but I saw that he had chosen "A".  When I asked him about his answer he told me that that was the answer closest to what he got.  Curious, I looked at the calculator. The number he got was 1,769, 472.  Well, it WAS the closest.

The things that boy says...

Our upstairs neighbor is a smaller woman with rather masculine style choices.  I never considered that my children might not recognize her as a woman until today.  She left the building today in uniform.  I think she may be a security guard or even a police officer.  My son "braveheart" yells out. "Hey, you're small."  He then says loudly to me, "Mom, he is small; I didn't know he could drive."  It was funny but I managed not to laugh.  Instead I put a little gravel in my voice and demanded that he enter the building immediately looking back occasionally ready to flash her the apologetic smile.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

One Crazy Week

It has been one crazy week and it's only Tuesday. I have had late nights and early mornings. Right now I sit outside of Yum's; I just ordered food because I am tired, so tired. I have so much work to do for my students still. I shouldn't spend the money but the kids need to eat something other than McDonald's so I ordered chicken and Broccoli with no MSG.
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Friday, February 4, 2011

A House of Cards

I always thought that the perfect human balance existed.  Before X came to this country it was my hope that I would find in him the love that would give me the strength to be everything for everyone.  I had been painfully aware for too long that one who gives love needs to be loved, needs"cariño".   That tender touch that is a mother's, the soft voice that chids, the acceptance that children are children is gone when that balance is upset, when there is nothing for momma. It is not a conscious decision.  It is what is left when the saddness, lonliness and hurt are put away so that momma can prepare the children for a better future.  The irony is that this momma is less prepared to give that because what she lacks is a necessary ingredient.  Sure, good can happen when the circle is broken but it is not the rule and other miracles are at play.

My words are few.  My tone is harsh.  I give orders.  I ask few questions and answer fewer.  I am tired so they will not have the luxury of wandering through the wonders of childhood falling and getting back up.  Failure in our world can have a lifetime worth of consequences so they simply must listen and obey.  I hate repeating myself.

I come home to work that needs to be done carrying with me still more.  My calendar lists more still and I sit for a bit unable to even begin.  Balance.  Our lives lack balance.  Within the hour the kids will be in bed (or on their mats) and I will begin to clean house.  I will then sit and try to catch up on the work for my online class and prepare for our Saturday session tomorrow.  Sunday will again belong to my students.


I seldom think of the number of children that I have.  I see them individually, each a wonder.  In the house we have our frustrations but not from number as much from personality.  Outside of the house things are different.

I see it, but only its reflection in the eyes of friends, strangers and even family.  Pity.  It chokes me up.  I don't know what to say.  I want to explain or to say the thing that will return my dignity to me in THEIR eyes but I don't.  I don't know what that is.  I stop talking and dream of making a life for my children.  I need another degree.  I have decided what I want to study.  I try to stay educated, to carry myself with some dignity and demand that my children do the same.   I feel bad when they act like children because the stakes are so high for them.

I put on my blinders.  If I feel pitiful it all comes crashing down.  Every once in a while I feel it creeping up on me, usually when I haven't had enough sleep.  Rather than just doing my job and pressing forward sometimes, I look at my life and responsibilities as a whole and I am overwhelmed.  I think of what could happen if I fail and I have to fight the urge to curl up into the fetal position and cry.  I start to plan.  Now I just need to find the time and money for graduate school.