Thursday, March 17, 2011

Today.

Today is/was good.  I feel content and hopeful.  I am still trying to figure out how to let go.  I thought perhaps if I simply erased his past child support and closed the door behind me he would have to reanalyze his opinions of me.  Then I thought...if I am closing the door, if I am all out of words to say to him and his...why do I care what he thinks?  That is where I am now. In short time it will be resolved in my own mind.  I don't have anything else to say because I could finally hear the truth behind the nonsense.  'I have a house to clean!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Circles

I stay in motion and mistake motion for progress.   Time ticks on and I still exist my responsibility is still present - I am less often defined by my interests than what I do, or to me, what I fail to do.  I have finally made the decision to shoulder all of my responsibility without thinking of fairness, of what might have been or of the inevitable cost.   This is my cross.  

I think that I have walked in circles for so long because he is that force around which I move consciously and subconsciously.  That pattern must have offered me something, but I think it offered me more the hope of something, something that I must actively reject in order to begin to learn and grow again in order to be the person I will be tomorrow.  It mustn't be who I am in relation to him.  It mustn't be who I was or might have been.  I have to believe that there is something greater for me.  

So tired and weak, I let go.  I quit fighting for a moment.  I float and think of what I might work for, fight for, tomorrow.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Ridiculum

The above is my own word (I think).  It is the one word that I use to describe all of the nonsense and mistrust and silliness that has come about as a result of meeting the father of my children.  One thing that has been very healthy for me is not playing "the game", being true to me.  If I have a question, I ask it.  If I have a comment I call and leave it on his voicemail or text him.  I don't want him to answer.  I don't want to argue.  There are just some things that I want him to know.  The temptation is there to let him fall into obscurity.  The children are willing to let him go.  Well, a couple of them are. I just won't let them because he owes them.  On days when I can't take anymore and I am mean and sad I want them to understand.  Sometimes I think that they do and it is for this reason and their loyalty to me that they don't want to talk to their father.  Perhaps though it is just because when they call he doesn't answer and it is in response to their own pain that they shut him out. 

How am I SUPPOSED to feel?

I said from the beginning that I wouldn't allow him to forget.  I wouldn't allow him to only hear the story he has tried to write until he believes it.  I wouldn't allow him to forget that we have 5 children. Right now he has one.  I am not sure which one but one none the less (then again who knows).  I looked at his picture today and saw that he is no longer the "catch" he used to be.  He looked old and awkward.  He was a god to me. He was perfection incarnate.  But I musn't allow him to forget even as his glory fades.  What life has he lived in the past 4 years that has so changed his visage?  That is not the look of a balanced life.

But I can only imagine what can be seen on my face as I struggle to meet our children's needs my own so often neglected.  I worry about the fact that I "need" less daily.  The few minutes before they awaken is so precious and vital to me. 

It makes me shallow and wrong but he is starting to look like her.  Not his features or color but he is thicker and there is just something about him that lacks the exuberance of his youth.  He was someone for whom his looks meant everything and now he is a middle aged man who has to fuel his ego with the attentions of middle aged women.  They are thicker in the middle, and elsewhere and I LOVE IT!  I wonder how he feels when he watches Univision and Telemundo and then looks at those selfless women who all pitch in to help to keep his ego erect.  I wonder if he thinks himself better anymore.  Time, the great equalizer.  'my witch's laugh'

Staying in the NOW

As I look at this page I do  a quick accounting of how I have lived my life the past week or weeks.  It has been rough.  I have taken to begging the children's father to give me a break, a moment to think.  I ended up, however, being consumed by a curiosity about him.  He can only chat with me in the early mornings and doesn't talk to or even text the children.  It is strange.  He was never perfect as his own interests have always driven his decision making but this to me seems extreme.  It is as if he once felt he had to at least pretend to care and now there is no reason for that.  So the children leave messages in the silence after the beep.  "Papa, this is your son...."  I am curious. 

This past week I was sick but mom's aren't allowed to get sick. The children still have needs so I pressed on and I was mean and so,so tired...



The children are calling...

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I find myself trying not to slip back into an old mindset. I have so much work to do this weekend but I tell myself that this is forward movement.