Tuesday, May 31, 2011

La conversación que no tendrémos...

"Te perdono."  Es arrogante, ya sé... y tarde.

Cómo Fue

Tú querías riquesa.
Yo, amor.
Yo pensé que por tu amor yo podria dedicarme a la busqueda de tu riqueza.
Tu querías la riquesa.

Yo pensé que querías perfección.
Yo soy imperfecto.  Yo quería tu amor.
Yo pensé que hubo algo que podría hacer yo.  Me equivoqué.
Yo quería tu amor.

Cuándo tu sentiste yo pensé y cuando tú pensaste...

Cuándo me di cuenta..

Yo quería que me entendieras
Tu querías que te rescatara
Yo quería que me escucharas
Tu querías que me olvidara

Pero raramente...

Yo quería que me tocaras y
Tú querías sentir querido y
uníamos...



.... quieren, piensan, sienten

Entonces estoy acá construyento esta vida para los míos.  Me siento que estoy colgando de un hilo y que tengo los 5 agarrandome, apretandome con todas sus esfuerzas y no puedo ni subir ni caer solomente mantenernos vivos...y mis brazos me duelen, mis manos me arden.  Cuándo van a dormir yo me siento y pienso en como hacerlo.  La verdad es que estamos bien pero no sé cómo esta el hilo... 

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Ojos que no ven, Corazon que no llora

I sat around this morning listening to music...I awakened without feeling. Something about the light and the tempreture took me back to a moment when I was nothing more than a body, my passion had died I would ponder laughter and tears without understanding... only being and a saddness so, so deep.   All of my life had led me to that moment that lacked all meaning and reason.  It was kind of like that feeling just after my only car accident.  I was there but I didn't know what happened.  I just kept saying, ..."but the light was green."

Almost a month.  I sang into an imaginary microphone with my children.  I told them about my adventures.  I laughed. 

I know that I MUST live outside of the box but how on earth am I to GET out of the box??

Monday, May 23, 2011

Balance

Balance is what I have lacked for so long but I had no shortage of hope for attaining it. I imagined all of ways our lives would change once I had balance, once WE had balance ...but 10 years later balance is an illusion and I have to either accept that this is it or rethink things. My new focus is discipline for me and for the children. If they are going to get out of life all that I feel they deserve we are going to have to be much more efficient in the use of time.

Today I take the advice of Ben Franklin "Early to bed, early to rise ..."
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Saturday, May 21, 2011

+21 Days Free of Setbacks

So, I've been clean for over 21 days, not from drugs but from him.  He was my drug.  He had such awesome power over me as the father of my children and he wielded it.  With a word he could decimate my growing self-esteem and he didn't hesitate to do so.  Knowing him hurt; he was for me the embodiment of pain but always with  the promise of pleasure, of progress, of change.  For over 21 days I have not sought answers.  carpe diem In order to seize the day I have to work with what is real and tangible.    I have to put my shoulder to the grindstone, as they say.  I have been doing that.

What has been discouraging has been accepting that the buck stops here.  I can no longer hope that he will find a way to rescue us.   But I realized that maybe I shouldn't think that we need rescuing.  I should take a moment to sigh and be thankful que hay luz  and the children have eaten. I should be picking through the days experiences and learning from them.  So my new motto is, "Make today special for there is only this one."  


I need to focus on the positive to teach my children to do the same and also in order to gain the energy to do something more the next day.  I am guilty of feeling like a failure at the end of each day as I think of all of the things that I didn't get to.

Ahhh but the forgiveness.  My 5 year old son wanted my brother to come get him today.  He got up called him and got dressed and waited.  He waited all day and refused to accept that my brother couldn't come today.  He paced and called again and again.  I asked him to give up on his uncle today and he said that he won't give up on him.  He said that his uncle is going to come get him and that they are going to "hang out."  It made me sad to see his disappointment.  At these times his father's ghost is dredged up and feel the anger creep in as I imagine him running through a field of high grass blowing bubbles as his other son runs behind him laughing.  Our three sons are all but forgotten.  It is sad but I am starting to see that it was inevitable as being at all open to him was to have always open wounds.

Right now the children are all running through the house.  I wish they would clean their rooms and we will get to that but for now, they laugh and I listen to the happiness so deserved.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Nothing to Say

I expected that once I started writing this it would help me to think like a writer again.  Is the writer in me dead?  I am waking up.  I have set backs, moments of pure overwhelm.  I have arrived at a place in life where I am assessing myself and looking at my successes and failures and my next steps seem clear...or perhaps some of my future steps seem to be clear.  I just have to figure out what to do that will lead me to the point where I can take those steps.

Though I dare not recline, I am finding in recent days that I can complete a thought, a task even.  After a couple weeks of late nights and early mornings.  I had a few days that I could hardly function.  The world was grey.  I could see only what was lacking.  I was tired.  The kids were fussy.  As always seems to happen when I don't get enough sleep, I started to catch cold.  It was a downward spiral as I tried to figure out how to survive and it was a matter of survival.

Ironically things are taking shape and I am making peace with where I am in order to move forward.  My head clears and my heart feels healthier than it has in more than a decade.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

'Sigh'

     Yesterday was MY mother's day.  I didn't leave the house.  I didn't stress about work.  I did laundry and a little cleaning.  It was my typical Saturday except that I was able to hold back the guilt that I so often feel for not accomplishing all that I should.  Today, I will have to go to the grocery store and continue to do laundry and prepare for my week at work.
     Right now the children are asleep.  I have already done one load of laundry.  Today I attempt to live in double time.  Not feeling so wordy.