Sunday, July 31, 2011

My Bear

Yesterday Julian came home and we are all so happy to see him.  My baby needs a makeover.  He has one pair of shoes worn almost all the way through.  He has almost no clothes and he is tall.  He needs a haircut.  He has learned to ask for so little and it breaks my heart.  I have been so wrapped up in the little ones that I forgot how much my big boy needs me.  So I have given some thought to where he is in life and how I might move him forward. 'sigh'

He wants tatoos, he wants a haircut called a padawan.  We laugh but I worry.  I told him that he could get the padawan once he got his Jedi powers and the tatoo would have to be chosen by me as well as the location.  He wants a phrase accross his chest.  There is a lot of wisdom that I wouldn't mind becoming a part of him but 'sigh' he needs so much...

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

A Woman

I went to the grocery store this evening and saw a woman holding up a cardboard sign as she stood in front of the grocery store entrance with her child.  I didn't read it carefully.  I couldn't.  I couldn't look directly at the child either but she couldn't have been more than four and three was a more likely age.  Just seeing her there made me sad.  What I read of her sign mentioned that she had a child and didn't have money for rent.  I told her that I did not have cash but asked if she would like anything from the grocery store.  She said, "That's ok."  I walked away and as we entered the store my daughter said that her eyes filled with tears and so my eyes filled with tears and my Zoë's eyes filled with tears.  For my first few minutes in the store I felt that deep saddness that feels physical and wished that I knew where to refer her.  Taking her home with me even crossed my mind but was quickly ruled out as foolish I don't know her. 

She was an immigrant.  From a distance she looked Indian but that wasn't possible, so then I thought that maybe she was hispanic which also seemed less likely to me.  Immigrants tend to come in groups and stick together.  In the few words we exchanged I tried to place her accent, her looks, Middle Eastern perhaps? Turkish?   Had she left an abusive situation? Had someone died and left her alone?  She had a child so at some point she wasn't alone.  She had an accent and there was something different about her style of dress...Did her husband send her out to beg?  Did he do it to punish her?  I can't make any sense of it.  I walked away and she is with me.  No mother should ever have to beg to put a roof over her child's head.  ...I fear, however, that more mothers will be begging if Boehner gets his way with the budget and I am deeply saddened but it seems to me that it is the idea of country that is important to him and not the people, We the Others.  

As we walked out of the store I looked to see if she was still there.  I exited the store away from her.  I looked and hoped that she wasn't there. I didn't see her.  Reluctantly, I looked again and again I didn't see her.  I didn't want to see her.   I wanted to be able to write a happy ending.  Just when I had begun to convince myself that she had acquired what she lacked  my daughter yells out, "They're still there" and my heart sinks.   I pray for them tonight and I am more driven than ever to help.  This should not be.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Today's Teatag Wisdom

Who looks outside, dreams; Who looks inside, awakes.  -Carl Gustav Jung-


I always thought that I was doing something wrong when I analyzed everything I did and wrote.   I thought I wasn't engaged, that life was somehow passing me by.  I tried to only "live" but I lost me.  I like this quote.  It has been years since I have really done any writing.  Almost a decade.  I am writing again and I am alive.  Life is beginning to make sense again.  I still look outside frequently; one MUST dream.

My Little Garden

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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Ay Dios Mío

What a day!!  I have decided to take control of my financial life.  What financial life? !!?!  In order to do that I have to face the fact that my life is in financial ruin.  I tend to get overwhelmed and depressed and focus only on what I can handle at the moment.  Today I deferred my student loans again.  I had to but I had been almost subconsciously saying, tomorrow.  I can't wait to find a way to pay them off.  I did what I had to and now I am emotionally exhausted.  When I bury my head in the sand I silently accept poverty and give up; I simply get through the day.  That is not, however, what is in our best interest so I have to find a way out.  That is a hopeless existence.  I can live in the moment and have really enjoyed it lately but I must believe in tomorrow and being burried in debt has a way of taking away one's tomorrows even before they arrive.  I have not read a word today or done any exercise.  Thinking about finances saddens me and suddenly there is no wind in my sails. 'sigh'

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Today's Teatag Wisdom

When the heart is at ease, the body is healthy. - Chinese Proverb-

Has my heart ever been at ease?  I guess it is now and so my mind is free to enjoy the little things.  How I have enjoyed the little things for the past few weeks!

Workout Day 3

The pool is an awesome way to people watch.

Four girls play. One cannot swim and so she spends much of her time clinging to the side of the pool.    The other girls are lost in their own world of splashing and laughter.  It is not a world for non-swimmers.

The "active" lifeguard looks out over the pool lost in the music from his ipod. He bounces his head and sings. With a few more pounds and in another setting he would be impressive. I can imagine him stepping into his red shorts in the late morning giving himself a slow nod of approval. He has absolutely NO body fat. What I wouldn't give for a belly like that. Can it even be called a belly? 1,2- 1,2 - 1,2...

The other lifeguard takes a moment to chat it up with a girl. I wonder if she is the same from the other day. She came to the pool to feel sexy and she had her sights on him. She was quite thick and everything she had was pink and frilly. She lounged in her sunglasses as if she were trying to tan. (I had just watched Madagascar and was ashamed of where my mind went.). (Someone's grandma is pulling off a 2-piece). After sitting there for some time, (while my daughter admired all of her pink accessories), as sexily as one could without swimming she stepped into the pool and putting her pink flotation device in front of her she kicked over to the lifeguard and began to make small talk. "Is the sun getting to you?" -I didn't listen anymore. I imagined that it was his lucky day..and maybe even hers.
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Monday, July 18, 2011

Forgive

Please forgive the errors. I don't have internet service right now but I will edit soon.
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Today's Teatag Wisdom

"There is no remedy for love but to love more.". Henry David Thoreau

For me it has helped to love and to love hard, to love our children, to love myself and even to love him in the quietest, purest way possible - to let him go. There sits somewhere a tombstone with my name and the dates we met and parted. My name stands in high relief and casts the shadow of his. Was I born the moment he kissed my cheek in the disco in that far off place?  I slipped into a world of magic that night. Who knew that even magic couldn't promise happiness?
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Sluggish

I am suffering from a television hangover. I went to sleep last night watching CNN and I am so tired.

I am beginning to feel better after my coffee and morning gardening time. I also continued to stroll through the homes and lives of the characters in my book. Nice.
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Sunday, July 17, 2011

Another Thought...

Ah, to live between worlds... To enjoy freedom of being grown and the security of family...too much to write on my Blackberry.

It's loud at the pool today, lots of real and momentary kids. The breeze feels glorious. I close my eyes.
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Beauty

My patio is littered with birdseed and and white flowers from my hanging baskets.
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Saturday, July 16, 2011

A Break

I take a break to catch my breath. It has been 1/2 hour. Glorious! Th water holds me and I am amazed how safe I feel. I am in 5ft, the least populated area. I stretch my arms out along the pool edges and try to keep my body horizontal. Face to the sun, I close my eyes and gently kick beneath the surface to keep myself "afloat". I turn, arms folded at the elbow and belly facing the pools side. I rest my head on the top of my arm extend my body and kick. I think about not thinking about Roberto. I think of how nice it would be to share a glass of wine and a laugh with him. I think of the fact that he can swim, and feel a sudden rush of shame that I can't. I think of what I CAN do, spell my mother's name for example, say my own. I feel mean. "That is why we can't be together". I imagine him saying.

Would it be wrong of me to pray him some love handles with no one to hold them? ...ok, then I won't.
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I have come to the pool to exercise for an hour. If I can block out the world and do it then I will do it daily for the rest of the summer. I left my glases so I cannot see if anyone watches.

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Morning

It has been so long since I have just sat and listened to the birds and insects outside. There is even something that sounds like a woodpecker.

My book so far has had some surprises and is a slower read than yesterday's book. It creates clear images for me though. I find that I have a lot of questions as I read but that they are answered a few pages later.

A woman speaks too loudly in the distance.. yells. It's too early for all that. I see her. She pulls a small child in a red wagon behind her as a man in a sleeveless tee walks behind. His posture is submissive. His belly suggests a love of beer. The rest of him is slim. I don't hear his voice. Perhaps he is biding his time till his next beer. Maybe as she speaks he imagines that he hears the opening of a beer and the sound of it being pored slowly into a glass.
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Today's Book

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Friday, July 15, 2011

"...And Miles to Go..."

My plans for this summer were lofty and every time I look at a calendar I have the sinking feeling that summer is getting away from me but at the same time I am delighted about another school year.

Reading, reading, reading, it has been a summer of reading but I have to get the kids writing. I will prepare composition books for them with their names. Each night I will give them a writing prompt for the next day. I will edit and they will make the corrections that same day.
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Today's Book

Today I read Ali Smith's Girl Meets Boy.  I can't say that I loved it but her writing is quite easy to read.  I think that part of my problem was my love of accents and I couldn't do the accent quite right in my head.  I liked the characters quite a bit though.  They had, well, purpose and I appreciated that.  I think also that I have a personal distance from the book.  The same distance that made it strange to me kept me reading.  I am anxious to read another of her books and compare the two.  I'll go back to the library on Monday.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

No Internet

Whatever will I do? I am doing my deep breathing to try to cope. No rash decisions, no rash decisions...
Ok, I am going to go to the library for starters. It turns out I have to replace my time management book as it is missing a bunch of pages. I'm irritated because I bought it but relieved because I was forcing myself to read it. I don't really like the style.

I am drowning my sorrows in Food Network. Guy Fieri (?) is working some kind of gastronomic magic right now 'sigh'. I won't make any big cooking plans as I have another dental appointment today.

And the final part of my internet replacement program is exercise. I WILL flatten my tummy THIS year!!
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Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Today's Lesson

I am reading a book on time management.  I really don't like the style but I am working through it because it still has useful information.  Today's chapter was about the importance of lists, both as reminders and to prioritize.  Another thing that I took away was the importance of posting your main goals around in order to remain focused on them.  I read my chapter (It's like homework!) and made my signs to post around my home listing the things that I must do daily.  I have to say that I rather enjoyed the task.  I also made reminders for the kids.  I had small stick up chalkboards around the house but they kept getting erased and the children would beg to draw on them.  

Because the book on time management, or rather, acquiring some time management skills is so important to my life I will read the book at the rate of a chapter a day until I am finished with it. 

Aside from the reading, my day wasn't so useful but it was, however, enjoyed.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Again

Again I find myself frozen between all of the things that must be done.  What I must do to prepare for tomorrow but not wanting to sacrifice all of today.  My life seems to go to extremes.  Either I suffer for what I hope will come or I invest all that I am in the moment and am spent when tomorrow comes.  In a moment I will settle back into my book on time management.  I must unlock the secret of how to fit tomorrow into today with out losing this moment.  All in all, it's a pretty good place to be.

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Monday, July 11, 2011

Today's Book

Today I am reading a book about time management, something I dearly need to figure out.  The problem, however, comes in when I am reading and begin to feel guilty about the fact that I should be doing something more productive like dishes or laundry or one of a hundred other things.  I have so much that I need to do this summer - most of it fun.  'sigh'  How do you manage time when there are 100 things that need to be done NOW?  I have already learned from the book that I need to plan my day.  So I will try to designate reading time and then chore time today... or tomorrow when I learn some more..
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Sunday, July 10, 2011

A Day of Reading

I spent the day reading Governor Deval Patrick's book.  It was a lovely read.  I began my read this morning over coffee as the children slept and with a few brief punctuations I finished the book just as I had to come in the house and cook dinner.  I had a wonderful day. 

The book made me think alot.  It made me think about being a loving mother.  It reminded me that the point is to love and to always continue to strive for an ideal.  It made me think of the children's relationship with their father and so much more.  It renewed, in me, an old optimism. 

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It doesn't seem like much but I am afraid to spend another cent. I sat outside today and read Deval Patrick's "A Reason to Believe" for about an hour. Two of my sons woke up and joined me out there and later a squirrel (we tried to feed him almonds).
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Saturday, July 9, 2011

I Can't Sleep

My success this academic year depends upon the time I put into it now. I plan to have a lesson plan that excites me for every day of the year and to have them finished this summer.
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I Have Spent the Day

I have spent the day outfitting my haven.  What fun!!!  I drove to the ends of the earth to find a bargain (or, well, far - ish) I located it and purched a table and chair set for my patio.  I later went to buy 2 hanging plants and ended up purchasing a reading chair also.  (Reading chair is what I have dubbed it for that is its intended use.)  It is really an immitation wicker chair (woven plastic really) but it is white like the table and flowers that I bought.  Tomorrow I will transplant flowers to put out in our lovely pastel pots.  I am so excited.    I have wanted a place like this for so long a place to tiptoe to while the children are sitll asleep drink tea, read and write. 

The patio is large and looks empty but once the plants are out there and start to grow it will be more enclosed.  I am already looking looking forward to tomorrow's cup of tea. 

A Haven

I spent yesterday creating an outdoor space for me.  I went to Ikea and got lanterns for my patio, and plants and flower pots.  My project is coming alomg nicely.   The kids are excited about "their" plants and we have basil and cantaloupe seedlings.  I want to be able to sit out there and read surrounded by foliage.  I just need a table and chair set and can't seem to find one in my pricerange.  I would like a bistro set and a chaise  (a patio one).  I would also like a large flower pot for the seeds that the kids find in their fruit and vegetables.  We plant those and it is fun to watch them grow.  I have the seeds of a red pepper beside the kitchen sink now.  

Friday, July 8, 2011

What I Did Today

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Thursday, July 7, 2011

Well summer is coming along nicely as we bustle about taking care of dentist and doctor appointments and I close my eyes and enjoy the breeze as time passes.

The trip to the dentist was daunting but I am relieved to have begun what must be routine for them. I need so much work done. 'sigh' I had my second appointment today.

I have to make decisions. I need a bed but the teeth must come first and shortly I'll have to put that on hold for back to school.
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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I've been thinking much of late about how to be a help to the women who share my struggle. I hope to sit down and write on it tomorrow.
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Every year since my first born was little we would go to the plant nursery in the spring and start to grow plants.  Our balconies, over the years, have been covered.  This year I haven't had the money so I took the seeds out of a cantaloupe and planted them.  This is our 2011 plant.  I want to do so much out there and I look and dream but not yet... It is so nice to see something growing though

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Dentist

Through all of the struggle I have known that I am not alone in my struggle even though my struggle is all mine. There are many women who like me feel like a failure every day, who spread themselves so thin that there is no time, energy or money left for them.  Today I go to the dentist after neglecting this part of me for too long.

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De Monstruo A Mujer

Well, not really but I feel like I make that conversion sometimes.  I haven't been able to take care of me for some time and I have a dentist appointment today.  Exciting!  Ok, scarry.  I mean I don't have money for a copay so I just have to get covered services today but it is a start.  Finally a start. ... I have to get the car fixed it is hesistating horribly now.  I have urgent errands to run this morning.

Monday, July 4, 2011

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An Image

Sloping shoulders, love handles, a sluggish walk, sunglasses (there's no need for them today) that say, "I think I'm cool." The long white T is loose except in the middle. Indian - I think. A lifeguard.

An aside: I think Sofia was just baptized and Beto can float and Mateo would prefer to be without his swim trunks.

Beto is my fearless showoff.

Zoes friends are Hispanic and she really wants me to speak to them in Spanish. She wants to show off she says loud enough for all to hear. Only our families are in the kiddie pool.

Isaac comes to the pool to join us :-). Well to the big pool anyway.
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Ahhhhh Summerrr

I sit by the side of the kiddie pool feet immersed and write 1, 2, 3... I didn't plan to come to the pool today so I didn't skip the necessary meals to actually feel presentable in my bathing suit.

I had just put it on and was standing at the bathroom sink when I feel someone tugging at the back of my suit. I turn. It's Sofia trying to repair the irreparable. Zoe comes in, "Mom, your butt is showing!" "Of course," I tell her, "I'm going to the pool." "Mom!!!" she says scandalized. I laugh and silently vow to exercise.
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Sunday, July 3, 2011

Sundays

The children are banished to their rooms and I sit down and have bagels and tea.  I think about how to get the gas to put into my car to run the errands that I need to run this week.  I am going to start investing in gas cards I think.  I too often run out of funds for the things that I need.  I must have gas to get to work to pay the rent...

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Today I have to overcome.  I am tired.  My joints have been hurting for a few weeks and I feel achy.  I am going to lift my head and press on.  I will do some exercise and drink some water and think positive thoughts.  I just made a list of the things that I need to do this summer.
  • get my car repaired
  • pay my traffic camera tickets (what a scam!)
  • begin my dental work
  • buy uniforms for 4 children.
  • get my local driver's license (I haven't transfered it yet.)
  • catch up on my utility bills

I also need to make some other purchases to be better prepared.

  • purchase a chest freezer
  • purchase a file cabinet
I need to put some money away but it is so hard when it is never enough for even what we need right now.  I need to meditate and release some stress.