Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Aftermath

The title of this blog is too dramatic by half but I think, in a way, this is all the aftermath of something and as I thought of that phrase I just wanted to use it.

Today as my littlest one and I cleaned up the patio after the nights wind and rain I felt free.  In fact, I didn't feel divorced at all.  The only thing I lose with the legal dissolution of that marriage is the desire to ever really be able to love him and be loved by him.  It has been the most frustrating feeling of my life and as I swept the debris from the patio and moved the furniture and plants back I thought of the same thing happening in my life.

I wondered for a moment what I will fill my brain with.

The night I received the divorce papers I laid in bed wounded and eldest came and sat in the darkness with me.  I laid on my bed looking toward the ceiling and holding my center.  We talked quietly.  He recalled my earlier pain.  He told me how it made him feel.    ...

My son gave me a most precious gift.  He explained to me how to meditate.  It is the answer to what I will fill my mind with, to what I will hope for, to what I will reach for.    His fight instructor taught him and it has proved invaluable to him.  One of the sweetest things about my eldest is that when he learns something new, he is so excited about it that he has to share with someone and he enriches the lives of those around him.  His growth brings me so much joy.

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