Sunday, September 25, 2011

Where am I?

I am here.  It is a good place.  I can see so much from where I stand.  I see possibility, so much that I don't know what my next step will be.  I sit and ponder and plan and the more I plan the stronger I feel and the less impact yesterday has on me.  I must choose a direction and take a step already.  ...I have decided.


I've given alot of thought lately to what moves me. What gives life meaning?  Children give life meaning, true.  But mothers are no different than anyone else.  We need excitement and variety and adventure.  We need for someone to give a damn about us.  We need to feel that we make a difference and not just those invisible differences that bring joy 20 years into the future.

I enjoy writing and have long known that I will gain strength by using my voice to unify others who don't have those things that are so essencial to life.  I have a vision and it is great but where to begin?  I am going to have to take an honest look at my life and decide what time eating tasks I can cut back on in order to be able to realize this plan.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Sundays ..Farewell to the Weekend

The children are asleep and I pretend that I don't have work to to.  The most important thing on my list is this cup of Ovaltine (I saw it in the store and couldn't resist.  It's been so long.)  In a moment the washer and dryer will be going and I will be preparing breakfast.

Right now I sit and think.  I think about stretching my check for 2 weeks.  I think about the bills that I haven't yet paid.  I think about car repair and feel truly frightened.  

...I think about lesson plans and about creating a book for my classroom using Shutterfly.  I think they would like that and I could stick with the most relevant vocabulary...hmmm.

I dream of a getaway.  I few days with sunshine and sand and no stress would be healing....The children awaken and the dream shatters.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

She's Got the Whole World...Hers anyway...

I remember learning that in the Afro Cuban religion one often experiences a series of crisis before haciendo santo (or at least that is how I understood it).  I am experiencing a series of crisis that are determined to remind me that my life is not in my hands and that I should NEVER become complacent.  I have work to do.

I fantasize about naps and ocean breezes, about knowing smiles and relaxation.  I plan these moments, the tiniest moments to catch my breath and each time my plans are foiled.  It is 8:43 and I don't have time to do this I just need a minute to try to think about why I am where I am .  It is not a horrible place but I see that it is not where I lay my head.  I have NOT yet arrived and I guess I should just get my a$$ in gear because I'll have plenty of time to rest in the afterlife.

I try to change gears from my fantasies about sleep to my "anywhere but here" attitude.  Here meaning at this place in life.  How do get past now without missing out on now and enjoying all that it has to offer?

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Rainy Days and Thursdays...

I don't have much to say.  I need to live a bit more before I speak.  I am making decisions and dreaming again.  When one has lived with only the practical for so long the dream becomes ilusive, or when somone has lived without the practical for so long...

Today I am tired.  I am just trying to figure out how to better enrich our lives.  Do I need to further my education?  I would like to but is that going to take us to the next level. 

Right now there is a leak in my car and it fills up with water when it rains.  When I say it fills up with water I mean that I have to bail it out before I drive and I have to roll up the bottom of my pants when I am driving because they get wet and the moisture travels up my leg. 'yuck'   It has been raining for 3 days.  Comiseration.  My car also overheats despite paying for two attempts to fix it.  I hope that it is just the thermostat but even if that is not the problem I know that the one I have doesn't work.    I need to replace at least one coil pack and at least 1 catalytic converter. 

I am going to go to urgent care in a moment because I need an inhaler and it will cost me more than it should.  I hope I can find my prescription card.  'sigh' When it rains it pours.

But... if I go out on the patio the breeze is gentle and cool, my plants are beautiful, a mist from the rain gently touches my face...and I think, and think.... until I start to think that I should be doing something useful and I go back into the house.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Getting into the Groove

I began my day this morning thinking of all of the things that I  have to do.  I have to create some awesome work for my substitute to give to the children.  I think it will be lengthy, open book and worth a quiz grade.  I have two separate quizzes to create.  I don't give just one because of cheating.  Work is now the biggest part of my world.  I can't help but feel that there is something wrong with that but without work nothing else matters.

The children are sleeping late this morning.  I have to do 3 heads of hair today and hopefully I won't have to do theirs again this week.  That means at LEAST 5 hours, aching fingers and an aching back.

I need to retreat.  I have been wondering if I could find cheap airfare anywhere to get away for even a day.  I don't dare though.  I have to make a lot happen this year.

I have decided to do some daily Spanish vocabulary acquisition.  I'm off to study.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

My Current Read


A cup of tea, a cool pre-autumn breeze and my thoughts. The birds seem loud this morning. At this moment work does not exist. I am on the other side of the sliding glass door.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

There is a place that one can get to where it simply takes more effort to move forward.  I am there.  I could go to work and come home but I need to focus on my goal so that each day I take a few steps toward it.  It takes a bit more effort but I lost last year that way.  Every moment seemed difficult this year I need to take care of every moment as I am in it.