Saturday, October 29, 2011

Norwood, OH

So I came back to Ohio and I have had a really nice time.  There were some things that I missed.  First Watch for breakfast, the same waiter, the eggs cooked to perfection and bacon just the way I like it, every part of that experience was essential. I left there and went to Joseph Beth Booksellers.   As I walked the aisles I thought a few things.  They have made this place such a nice place to be.  I LOVE this store.  I walked first through the children's section and the combination of books and toys made me want to read, play and plan for gifts for my children as I entered into the grown up section I continued to have a good time.  I love books anyway but I think that they have found the recipe to success.  We left there and walked over to Starbucks, drank something warm and talked while we waited for Nordstorm Rack to open.  We walked in an out of stores on the way to Nordstrom Rack and the consumer in me was awakened.  I suddenly wanted nice shoes and purses and I realized that those things are much more accessible here here in Cincinnati than they are in the Washington Metro area.  Here one can enjoy nice things and not sell their souls to get them. Though much of that was just beyond my reach when I was here too.  Now it seems way beyond my reach.  At Nordstrom Rack I picked out a coat, a hat, texting gloves and a scarf for about $200 total.  I found some really cute shoes too and then I bid them all farewell and left the store having only imagined myself in the coat, hat gloves (I tried them on) and shoes.  It was nice to dream for a moment.  The lady at Starbucks had an awsome lipstick color she said it was by Mac and called Chocolate.  ...I have missed me...

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Thursdays

I'm constantly exhausted and my nerves are frayed.  Yesterday the kids made me cry in the classroom.  I don't do that.  I don't think it was really all them.  Usually I will turn that into a game, but yesterday I went, sat down and sobbed like a child.  I couldn't catch my breath.  I couldn't speak.  I just cried.  I think maybe that looking for a home and going through the divorce is weighing on my subconscious.  I felt normal but why did I break.  I couldn't put myself back together.

I don't like weakness.  I don't like showing it.  I like to be whole and motivated and driven and just do what I have to do.  Tears don't solve anything.  Right?

So every day this week thus far I have come home and collapsed.  I have been so exhausted that I am unable to function. It is even difficult to speak, to find words. I have cooked and gone to bed.  I have to leave in a moment so that I can get coffee to get me through today.

Yesterday I was invited out for my birthday.  The funny thing is that when he said "anything I want" I thought, sleep but I don't need him for that.  For the past week it has been at the top of my list of fantasies.

27 October, 2011

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Rent

I'm lying in bed exhausted and unable to sleep; where will we live? I just feel like crying. I asked the rental office for an extension and their offer was horrible. I just feel defeated.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Autumn Sundays

Again, I feel like I have squandered a Saturday.  It is 6am on Sunday morning and I am beginning to feel a sense of overwhelm.  Yesterday I focused on the house.  I did laundry for most of the day.  I still have laundry to do but I need to do my lesson plans for the week and that will take up most of the day.  I will start the tea kettle and begin 'sigh'.

Oh, I created my logo yesterday.  I am so excited!  Finally some progress!!

I have so much to do but it is hard to get out of the bed when the house is cold.  I will not turn on the heat until I absolutely must.  I simply cannot afford to.  I slept in a jacket last night.

I haven't even begun my search for a place to live and I MUST commit myself to that and not lose faith that everything is going to be alright.  Where will my children be laying their heads in a few short weeks?

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Consciousness

Since I know me and would like to be able to say that I have learned from my past, I must make some different decisions and not simply do whatever I want.  It's funny, I was telling one of my students the other day that what she proudly calls "speaking my mind"  was low behavior and that she needed to take other peoples feelings into account before she opened her mouth.  She needed to understand the impact she could have on others.  I tell all of my children that (at home and school) and yet upon reflections I see that when it comes to male/female relations I feel like I am who I am and I want what I want and that's it.

Maybe I need to do things a little differently and refocus myself when I get "man centered".  It happens so easily to me.  I say that because I woke up this morning thinking about this man and as I lie in bed my mind wondered to all kinds of interesting places.  After a bit I realized what I was doing and got up.  All we have done is flirt.  I have a vision that I cannot lose sight of for a moment.  I have to continue on with MY plan.

"So, it was nice chatting with you.  Thank you for giving me the attention I craved at such an important time in my life but I have to focus on Me."

I wonder what it is about me that makes it so easy for me to get lost in a man's attention.  I don't like that part of me.  I dislike it so much that  (someone is awake and I hear the walking around the house looking for me) I find myself actively thinking about how to fix it.

His words were like water to a thirsty soul and being that he is a man of few of them, he leaves me wanting more while I being a woman of many words, am likely to leave him wanting a break, I fear.

Many years ago I heard a woman say that in order for a woman to get what she wants she must first turn down or say no to what she doesn't want.  She musn't settle.  I need to be focused on that and not just be willing to sit down to any meal because I am hungry.  Wait maybe I need another metaphor, I mean who waits for fillet mignon when they are hungry and offered scrambled eggs?  I suppose this is different.  It could be the same though and it depends on if one sees relationships as permanent or passing.

And then I found this quote.
...perhaps I should call him.  (jk)

Friday, October 21, 2011

Ensalada

  I love Olive Garden's salad!  It has been so long since I truly enjoyed a meal out. On the last outing I enjoyed the company of family but didn't really like the food.  This was perfect!

The Centrepiece

  Olive Garden's Seafood Alfredo over angel hair pasta.  Mmmmmm

A good time was had by all...

  A cuppa coffee and good conversation.  Ahhh this is as it should be.

Mother/Daughter Time

It was so nice to spend an evening with Mom.  Olive Garden has redeemed itself in my eyes.  Now, I remember why I enjoy going there.  The atmosphere is as important as the food to me in a restaurant.  I don't just eat and leave.  I like to sip a glass of wine and talk until there is no more to say.  The last time I went I took my children, it was in the summer and the air conditioning was up so high that we couldn't enjoy our food.  We simply paid and left after taking a few bites.  We were all cold and what was supposed to be a memory turned out to be nothing more than a waste of money.  Yesterday was nice.  It made me feel good about moving home and being near family.

Teacher's Night at the Smithsonian was nice too.  It was held in the American Indian Museum and looking around it made me want to research my own heritage.  There is not so much distance between adult and child although so many like to pretend that there is.  I think the teachers enjoyed the "hands on" section as much as any of the children would have... I did.

I guess more than anything it was nice to get out of the house for once and know that the children were fine and I didn't have to rush anywhere.

Vino

  This was my first glass of wine in over 3 years .  I was pregnant with my youngest and then nursing.  It was such a nice experience.  I need to buy a bottle of wine to keep at home.

A Muted Existence

Yesterday I watched the movie "For Colored Girls".  It moved me but it was familiar and brought me back to some of my own story, some of my own burried pain.  I enjoyed the poetry.  I don't know if I could stand to watch it a second time, too much pain.    It inspired me to again attempt to write down some of my own story. I have learned in the past 10 years that some things hurt too much to write down, to relive.

My brothers and I were talking the other day and I and I made the comment that I don't seem to remember things as vividly as other people do.  I imagine that I was at these places and said these things that I lived these moments with them but they had far less of an impact on me.. one of my brothers said that it was the same for him.  When I thought about it I wondered how much one mutes their existence when they are feeling pain in order to get through it.  So whatever happens in the aftermath of heartbreak is just survived not truly LIVED..?  I don't know.  It is the only way I can explain a decade lost.  I have more children and with each absolute bliss, but surrounding them is....?

 

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Another Day... Another Day

Thursday 'sigh' yesterday was awful.  I was so exhausted and defeated when I got home.  Today I hope I can keep things moving so I don't sink.  I imagine it kind of like running on top of quicksand.  That is my metaphor for the classroom.  One has to keep moving or they will sink.  The kids can't have ANY kind of an opening.  I may not be doing any real blogging for a few days.  I cannot pay my cable bill right now.  I need about a week.  I will call them today.  I hope we can work something out.  I need to be able to do some work for my students and that is so difficult without the use of the internet.  I don't really care about the cable itself, we almost never watch TV.  We tend to watch more Netflix, which requires an internet connection.  I feel like Humpty Dumpty every morning and I wonder, if all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put humpty back together again, HOW in the world can I?

I slept horribly last night.  I had nightmares which I haven't had in a long time.  I wonder what is causing such upset in my soul. 

It's funny each day I go to work is another opportunity for someone other than me to get some money, the landlord, the car repair shop, utility company 'sigh'

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

This morning I've awakened with sharp stomach pains and a sore throat.  It is Wednesday.  I have so much to do.  The children are asleep.  It is just after 4 o'clock am and I am making my coffee and trying to find my smile.  I probably discarded it shortly after removing my shoes....it has to be around here somewhere.  It's probably wherever I left my energy. 'sigh' Really, other than the stomach pain, I feel pretty good.  'yaaawn'  Well, I had better get to work.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Well I got one thing resolved and now I am just at zero.  I never thought I would be so relieved to be broke.  I had gotten a bill from a collections agency for over $1,600.  I couldn't pay it but I was insured and could prove it so they closed the account. When I got that bill I had to fight back tears.  I am so relieved to have been able to resolve it.

Maryland MVA ' sigh'

I am relatively certain that I speak and understand English WHY is it that I am still walking in circles here and waiting when I should be in another line? There must be a more efficient way to do this. I have this huge fine for a lapse in insurance they claim a lapse of 7 months. There are small lapses: life is hard. The lapses were always too get me to another pay check. I hope they don't demand a large fine. I have no where to get it. I have no money to give them today.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Me in a dress and heels

2 Weeks 4 Dollars

I have no idea how I will get through the next two weeks.  Crying doesn't help so I won't bother.  I imagine that we will be eating all that is here.  The cupboard will truly be bare by the end of next week.  My 4 dollars will buy beans and some Ramen.  I hate to buy those nutritionless packets but it is horrible to be hungry.  If I can get coffee, I will be fine and I will keep beans and rice made.  I don't like these times.  They stress me out so badly.  I just look for a distraction.  These are the moments one cannot share with acquaintances because they provoke pity and make one feel pathetic.

I started to go to the store today and when I saw what my son was wearing we went back home.  He has grown and his shorts are too short and his shirt is too small.  His jeans are too short.  I bought an outfit the other day and I feel horrible.  He looks nice in his uniform and it wears it almost every day so I hadn't really noticed.  I have a couple $10 gift cards I may be able to find him something but not THIS week because I can't use the gas and they are to different stores.

Here it is October, I have to move in less than 2 months and I don't know where I will get a security deposit from.  We won't do Thanksgiving or Christmas but once we get settled we will have a day that is special just for us and we will treat it like Christmas and Thanksgiving.  It will be our own holiday.  The kids will make cards and decorate the house in the colors that they choose will represent that day and maybe we'll do it every year.  Maybe it will coincide with after Christmas sales.  That would be nice.  It gives me something to look forward to.  I never did like Christmas but I love Thanksgiving.

I will call the cable company to try to delay the cut off.  I had an unexpected expense.  I only have the most basic package but since television is no longer free I don't want to lose it.  It is sometimes how I get work done.  The children will watch something and it allows me to work in daylight hours.

Not knowing where we will live takes my breath away.  I really am stressed.  I feel it physically.  Tonight I NEED to Zumba.  I have to balance.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Sweet Freedom

Today I left the house looking totally homeless and unloved.  Here we are in the middle of October and I left the house wearing a denim mini, well medi, pink Old Navy flip flops (that are too small though they say my size on them), an A lined top and frizzy air dried hair.  It is absolutely shameful.  I wondered briefly if my muffin top was visible through my too old shirt. - Hope not! I really have to find a way to get it together. falling into a crumpled heap. sigh

Another Sunday

Only my daughter and I are up.  I have sent her back to bed because it is my time to think.  I have so much to do today.  I need to write lesson plans and do the girls hair, I need to put away laundry and go to the store to pick up a few things.  I have to return WAY overdue library books and write a script for my children to create a video for my students and at some point I need to sit down to read so that I can complete my graduate school application.  I feel like everything I do these days, I am doing to save my life.  I have decided to explore ALL of my options.  ...I hear the children waking up.  This year we won't celebrate Halloween or Thanksgiving because I will be focused on moving. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

What do you do for fun?

Who ever would have thought that this would be a difficult question?  It is terribly difficult.  First, I know what I consider to be a good time but is it "fun"?  Will the person asking the question think that I am a boring person?

So, I've given it some thought.

  • Conversation -  I like to learn from people, about people.  
  • Food -  Combined with good conversation, this is, to me, a very good time.  When I have the means, I like to cook, preferably West Indian foods.
  • Gardening  - to be able to watch this magic show at any time is amazing to me.  To watch a seed become a plant and then to produce fruit is something I enjoy.  And then there is the beauty of flowers and plants.
  • Reading - I think during reading is when I get to do those things that I wouldn't otherwise get to do because my life is full, being a mother.  Reading keeps me mentally active in a way that the tasks of motherhood don't.  I fear that I won't recognize my own children someday if I don't keep my mind truly active.
  • Dreaming - I like to make plans to change my world and surroundings.  I take time to think about where I want to be and what I have to do at this moment to move in that direction.
The problem with the above list is that it doesn't include a man.  What do you even do with one of those.  I appreciate the attention,  [I love it, to be completely honest.] but I don't even know what to do next.  He asked that I wear heels and a dress and go out with him.  Fun!  I want to play dress up.  


I need to give him the following disclaimer:

  • I always say the wrong thing so if I say the wrong thing and it sits with you, just know that I am somewhere kicking myself for saying what was obviously the wrong thing and hoping that you didn't catch it.
  • I am coming out of a marriage of convenience (not by my choosing) so when a man pays attention to me I think, "Why me?"
  • I am coming out of a marriage of convenience so I am ridiculously needy.  It will be when I try to overcompensate that I say and do all of the wrong things.  One musn't appear needy, you know?
  • "Daddy Men" are attractive so the fact that I find you attractive makes me think that everyone does...
  • There may be some small chance that I am unconsciously using you to get through my divorce without crying - again.
  •  You have no idea of the depth of my ignorance in these matters.  
I won't issue the disclaimer though.  I will stumble clumsily through this and into life's next adventure for which I will undoubtedly be unprepared.

I have picked out 2 pairs of heels.  Price tag $120 each.  I can't afford them.  I think I'll go read a book 'sigh'



Saturday, October 8, 2011

Thursday
I sat down during my "break" at work today (it's never really a break) and I was so exhausted that I decided to put my head down for a moment.  1 and 1/2 hrs later I awakened disoriented and needing to go back to sleep.   I got up at 3am today to better prepare for today's lessons.  Yesterday didn't go so well.

My mantra has become, "I need a new job."  I enjoy some/most aspects of my job but it is soul sucking.  I have so much work to do this weekend.
What special recipe can I cook today?  I subscribe to a blog that makes me hungry every time that I see it but it also inspires me to play in the kitchen.  I will make something delicious.

Life is a journey.

I have that feeling again.  That deep desire to make the changes that will give me the peace that I seek.  Oh, who am I kidding it is not about peace it is about movement, about progress.  I want to double my income at least.  I need a home for my children in which I don't have to worry about their safety, location, location location..  I want a big garden.  I want place to read that is just mine and I want a job that I enjoy and that doesn't make me feel that I am pulled away from my children always.  I want to use my voice to help someone else use theirs.  I would like to secure the American dream for my children and  to help them develop the habits that will help them do the same for their children.  Will it involve a master's degree?  I would enjoy getting one but I think it will require that I take a leap that I just do what it is I have to do...

Today I will map out a plan to get to the next level.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

The Morning's Thoughts

What I must consider is where possibility lives.  It lives here.  I am tired and stressed but I am surrounded by opportunity.  I just have to make the time to seize  the day.  So today I am writing checklists.  I am not unhappy, just uncomfortable and I don't think it is bad to be uncomfortable.  It keeps me from becoming complacent.

The question of the day is, "What must I do today so that ALL of our needs are met?"  I need to be successful in my job and in my home.  So many little people depend on my success.  I must also be sure to fulfill their emotional needs.

But this is a familiar place.  I must feel growth.  I get so uncomfortable when I feel that there is nothing to do but settle into the struggle.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

They want to raise the rent so I have to move again.  I am filling out applications far away to see if I can get out of this area.  We can hardly make it as it is.  I'm tired.