Thursday, October 27, 2011

Thursdays

I'm constantly exhausted and my nerves are frayed.  Yesterday the kids made me cry in the classroom.  I don't do that.  I don't think it was really all them.  Usually I will turn that into a game, but yesterday I went, sat down and sobbed like a child.  I couldn't catch my breath.  I couldn't speak.  I just cried.  I think maybe that looking for a home and going through the divorce is weighing on my subconscious.  I felt normal but why did I break.  I couldn't put myself back together.

I don't like weakness.  I don't like showing it.  I like to be whole and motivated and driven and just do what I have to do.  Tears don't solve anything.  Right?

So every day this week thus far I have come home and collapsed.  I have been so exhausted that I am unable to function. It is even difficult to speak, to find words. I have cooked and gone to bed.  I have to leave in a moment so that I can get coffee to get me through today.

Yesterday I was invited out for my birthday.  The funny thing is that when he said "anything I want" I thought, sleep but I don't need him for that.  For the past week it has been at the top of my list of fantasies.

27 October, 2011

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