I'm constantly exhausted and my nerves are frayed. Yesterday the kids made me cry in the classroom. I don't do that. I don't think it was really all them. Usually I will turn that into a game, but yesterday I went, sat down and sobbed like a child. I couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't speak. I just cried. I think maybe that looking for a home and going through the divorce is weighing on my subconscious. I felt normal but why did I break. I couldn't put myself back together.
I don't like weakness. I don't like showing it. I like to be whole and motivated and driven and just do what I have to do. Tears don't solve anything. Right?
So every day this week thus far I have come home and collapsed. I have been so exhausted that I am unable to function. It is even difficult to speak, to find words. I have cooked and gone to bed. I have to leave in a moment so that I can get coffee to get me through today.
Yesterday I was invited out for my birthday. The funny thing is that when he said "anything I want" I thought, sleep but I don't need him for that. For the past week it has been at the top of my list of fantasies.
27 October, 2011