Wednesday, November 30, 2011

This is a dark place.  I am tired.  I didn't get the place I wanted so I have to sign a new lease today.  They have raised my rent over $100 simply because they can.  So I am a very unhappy tenant.  In the next few days I will write a letter to their parent company and send pictures of this place that I rent for too much money.  I am going to start to look at other states that I might want to live in.  I hate moving.  I stay so exhausted just trying to get through each day with some measure of success with the kids.  ... but that place was perfect.  I could really see us there.  I am on the verge of tears.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Gotta Clear My Head

It is November 12th and we have no place to live at the end of the month. I will put my head on straight today and make calls and see what miracles can happen.

Tea kettle on
House a mess
Kids asleep
Work awaits!

Heart confused
Mind unfocused
Spirit uneasy
Body awaits!

What do I do now?  I am frozen.  For a few days I was lost in conversation.  It was nice and while we talked I forgot that I carried so many.  He didn't seem to notice, but then he did and again I notice.  It was nice.  It was silly.  I am still alive, after all of that I am still alive.

Slowly I wipe away the make up, the eyeliner.  I take off the dress and the heels. I put on my house clothes, an old skirt, a long sleeved shirt and socks to keep my feet warm, they don't usually match.  I wrap my head in a scarf and put my smile on a shelf but reflections of it linger.  It was fun.  

It was so good to feel pretty and wanted.  The truth though is that I work from pain and if I get comfortable I may forget what it is that I can do for someone else.  So today I am no longer fifteen.  Tomorrow is a different story.  I hope he is well.

Cup of tea in hand and first load of laundry in the washer.  I am off to a good start.

I think I'll go start my car and let it run for a bit.  It's been sitting there for days waiting to be repaired.  Well, I hope it starts.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Since I can now be reasonably sure that you won't read my blog I can write about you.  You, who offers me everything I didn't know I wanted and waits for me to take it, only I don't know how.  You have shown me that I am not ready.  I still don't know how not to love.  Last night I lay awake in bed separating my thoughts trying to make sure that thoughts of you don't get sewn into the fabric of my life, putting you neatly, carefully to one side.  I am free -ish and what woman in her right mind would give that up?  (My hand involuntarily shoots up, to my everlasting shame.)  And yet, it is not my choice and so I will laugh and joke with you and skirt your offerings.  When you open your arms you call to something primal in me and it answers against my will.  You charm me.