Friday, December 30, 2011

My FIRST resolution

My first resolution is to fix my belly.  I don't know how yet but I guess I just have to try everything until it is flat.  Time marches on and eveything else starts to soften and I just feel well,... imperfect, extreemely imperfect.  I have had a lovely and productive holiday and I will return to work rested and a bit better organized - I hope. 

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Why I feel good...

After I've written about all that I have to do I sometimes get a feeling of overwhelm.  I just want to bury my head in my hands or curl up into the fetal position.  I feel good today.  I feel good today because I have a plan and I will realize my goals even as they morph in front of me.  I know what I must to today and that I am capable of doing it and that feels good.  I need to focus on keeping my mind active and on being healthy.  I have decided what I will do for the children also.  I am about to go start on my room while the clothes in the washing machine finish.  The children, all 7 of them :-) are sleeping.  There was a time when I didn't want people to know that I have seven children but they are all so wonderful to me.  They are all so amazing.  When I look at them I get a feeling of being given something so special that no one else has been given and it is humbling.  (I'm sure others must have that feeling too.)  I am so happy that they are all home right now.  They are my razón de ser, razon de etre ...(I don't really remember any French :-)

Coffee & Thought

I should enjoy this day thoroughly but I find myself worrying before I should.  I only bought things that I needed and at ridiculously cheap prices but I find that I am afraid to look at my account.  I still haven't purchased work shoes.  I am mad at myself for not having money when the ones I wanted were so on sale.  Right now they are about $45 instead of $100 but they were down to $35.  I still have to get my son a bus ticket to get back and finish school.  I have 6 days left and I am worrying. Some of the things I have to do are:

  • finish and put away the laundry ... at least 6 loads.  There are 8 people in the house right now.
  • set up my credit repair binder so that I can begin that process
  • apply for CHIP for my children
  • do a skeleton lesson plans for the rest of the year
  • buy my son school supplies
  • read a novel (IMPORTANT!!) ... or 2
  • clean my room
  • find a short exercise regimen to begin each day with
  • write a letter to the doctor whose appointment I missed when I got my divorce papers... I simply forgot and she's billing me for a missed appointment.  I can hardly afford to pay for the things we need much less things like this.
  • I need to commit myself to some health habits to see if I might again rid myself of this joint pain.  It gets really bad.  
  • I need to do my bank balance but I'm afraid.
  • I need to organize my children.  
One of the things about being the daughter of a single mother and now being one is that organization eludes me.  My life went everywhere all the time with my mother's as she did all she could do in a day.  We need routine.  This is the part where I begin to feel guilty, to feel that I should be doing something other than writing.  

I wanted to get a Brazilian Blowout.  I won't be able to afford it.  It was going to be my gift to me but I needed pants to wear to work.  I only had a few pairs and they all had bleach spots on them.   

I need for a more concrete goal to materialize.  My goal for today is to finish as much of the above list as I can.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

A Very McGhee Christmas

December 27th... things are busy but sweet these last few days as the money dwindles and the memories mount I just feel grateful for my family and the holiday that they have given to my children and I.  I usually just block emotionally over the holidays.  I don't plan anything more than the meal and we enjoy ourselves.

The children enjoyed christmas with my sister and her husband and had fun with my brothers.  The baby (2) really enjoyed every gift.  Toys were made for him.  He is my 7th child and I have never seen a child so thoroughly enjoy a toy.  He got a trian that plays a song and so he takes a moment to dance before he plays with the train.  What an imagination! He loves his shoes that light up and his plate set and his trains.  He doesn't casually toss anything aside.  He was given a gift card and so I went to Target and bought him Thor's sword and shield (who knew he used a sword and shield - I certainly didn't) ...perhaps that particular gift was a mistake. I got numerous complaints of children being hit with the sword.  He plays like a big kid who knows the whole story.  He runs through the house and hides behind the sofa.  He yells for the bad guys to "shup up!"  literally "shup up, bad guys!"  He shoots them with his imaginary machine gun (judging by sound of continuous fire).  He consumed near a whole bag of Hershey's Kisses...boy was he in a foul mood the next day :-(.    They have had a wonderful holiday. 

My 10 year old son got a Nerf gun or rather a gun that shoots Nerf bullets.   It  might be the first "gun" in the house as I won't buy them but they craft them out of any and everything and have them anyway so, oh well.  EVERYONE (but mom) loves that toy.  It produces happy screams and the sound of someone running every time. 

My princess has worn every bit of clothing that she has received and bought.

At this moment I am thankful for Starbucks and sleep and days off of work.  I am thankful for dreams and memories.  I am thankful for purpose because I feel that I have purpose for the first time in a long time.

My big girl is growing up and thinks that pink is too girly.  I tell her that she is and always will be my princess.  She did want earrings though and when she put them on she said she felt prettier and kept looking in the mirror.

My little man is sick.  He has a chest cold and has me quite concerned.  I am going to go out today and get some more vitamin C packets.  They don't have health insurance right now and I was really worried about his breathing last night.

In a few moments my Emil and I will run out to be at Old Navy when they open.  Hopefully we can find him some jeans at a good price.  He has 1 pair that fits. It has been a productive few days.  The kids have clothes.  I ordered shoes for princess.  I didn't realize that her boots were in such a state.  The bottoms were half off!  I don't know how they got to be that way.  Sometimes I feel like I miss so much.  My big boy could probably use some shoes too. My bigger boy got some yesterday and my biggest boy has more shoes than I do... I wish we wore the same size... a little. :-)

A tip:

I learned a lesson.  Cricket Wireless is not a good carrier for my needs.  My phone was out of service on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  I am going to save for a new phone now so that I can change carriers.  I don't want a contract though.  I think I will go with Simple Mobile.  I don't recommend Cricket to anyone.  We couldn't make calls to wish happy holidays or to say thank you.  It is also not the best deal money wise.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

a few seconds

This morning I take 5 minutes to scribble something.  I don't have much to say... or really I have too much.  I am looking forward to winter break, I have so much work to do.  The kids and I made ornaments but we have to wait for my next paycheck so that I can get some paint to paint them.  We have a cute tiny tree to put them on.  I hope it doesn't break :-).

Monday, December 5, 2011

Another One of THOSE Weeks

Another week until payday and then the check is spent.  The entire check will go to utilities and rent and hopefully some for gas to get to work.  This week I have only the gas in my tank and 5 days to get to work.  I thought about calling in today because I don't feel well but I won't do that I need to push through.  I simply don't feel bad enough to miss work.  I will take some vitamin C and keep going. 

Last night I went to the grocery store and spent my last $30.  I have to gather the strength to borrow gas money and I HATE that.

I have to come up with a way to make today fun at work...hmmm

Sunday, December 4, 2011

5:14 Sunday morning.  I should call this someday because this is the day that I get things done.  I have quiet a week ahead of me.  I have the first load of laundry in and I have already started to make the list in my head of the things I have to do.  I will begin to look for a second job in the coming days and the idea does not give me peace.  I do it with utmost reluctance.  

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Faux NEW

Electricity on the verge of being disconnected...I am relieved every day I come in and still have heat.  I get paid in another week and most of it goes to rent, then utilities, then gasoline.. and finally a few dollars left for food... rent too high...fridge too empty...but we are ok...   I am feeling kind of numb.  In a moment I am going to go get coffee and try to dedicate myself to cleaning for the day.  I slept almost 12 hours last night.  I have been sleeping early alot lately.  I think I'll move the furniture in my room today.  Maybe that will cheer me up.  Today I will go for a faux newness.