Saturday, January 28, 2012

Progress

Well, I am about to embark on the next leg of my journey and I am sobered by the emensity of the task ahead of me.  I have to submit a stellar graduate school application packet and brush up on my math and take the GRE or the GMAT but I am also getting back into my zone, the place I am most comfortable.  THIS is what I love to do. 

I have been looking at grad school programs for years.  I have even dabbled in a couple.  This one, however, spoke to me.  This one would best utilize my talents and put me in the best position to give back. 
... back to cleaning, more later.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

A Busy Saturday

In a few short moments I am going to slip off to Panera to have breakfast and read.  I will then go to Old Navy (They have an additional 50% off of clearance and I need shirts) and then I will return to Panera to do my work for the weekend.  I am looking forward to an awesome Saturday.  I also have 100 other things to do that are not related to WORK work, house work.   

Monday, January 16, 2012

Filled with anticipation....

Apple Martini

It went straight to my head...

At this moment...

I don't really have much to say.  I have been pondering quite a  bit but never when I am near a computer.  This is the time of year that I just get though it.  Winter.  I look out at the empty pool and long for warmer days but this is not horrible.   The bills keep coming, I keep working, I keep dreaming - more and more of those dreams are dreamed (I really want to say "dreamt" but it gets underlined) while sleeping as I am worn out from the days' work.

I continue to wonder where exactly a man fits into my life.  He has some idea but each time he tries to get closer I feel like it's wrong.  It's too much and I wonder if I am incapable of having that relationship; the sharing of my whole life.  I don't even desire it.  I want moments but then I have work to do, work that no one else can do for me... important work, urgent work.  Time is finite and I wasted years trying to love someone who didn't want my love and now I fear that that experience has made me like him.  I don't want anybody's all.  I want laughter and dinners (we can even go dutch - though he wouldn't hear of it.)  I like the attention, the flattery is nice; I hadn't had any in so very long.  But then he wants to live each second like it is part of our forever and that horrifies me. I feel pulled and not by my own desires.  It makes me cold.  He cannot really understand this place for a mother, for this mother.  He offers me his hand, his help.  He offers me marriage.  He scares me and I need to be alone.   I don't want him to go but I cannot offer him more.  I tell him that if he finds something better, something more to his liking, then he should take it.  I suspect that I am cursed never to truly love and be loved at the same time.  I don't know the reason for the curse.  

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Hope

This is the first of a list of books that I have decided to read.  I found the list on the internet and thought it might contribute to growth. ....so far it contains more motorcycle maintenance than I was prepared for but I get it.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

This was a week of high stress but also of much relief as faced my demons (responsibilities) and survived.  Fulfilling one of my unwritten resolutions I am taking the children to church today.  I am headed into another full week and must prepare myself.  I'll write more later...


Sunday, January 1, 2012

I Resolve

I resolve to...


  • flatten my tummy!!
  • organize - this one has been my perpetual resolution and I have experienced the briefest moments in which I have realized this goal.
  • make sure that each day consists of at least one small success but more importantly that I acknowledge that success.
  • to work each day toward my goal to become a giver.
  • develop some new habits
    • read daily
    • write daily
    • exercise daily
    • drink water
    • have a real conversation with each of my children daily  ... and take notes
    • take pictures and videos
  • create a budget - AND LIVE BY IT
  • create a schedule and though I know that my little variables won't let me LIVE by it, I can always use it as a guide to assure that my movement is indeed progress.
  • communicate and to find a way to communicate those things that I find difficult to share - when necessary.
  • look for the goodness in others and to try to bring out the best in others by giving my best.
  • NOT to bury my head in the sand when things get tough.
  • MAKE moments, not wait for them.
  • to be useful.
  • to fight for what is right.
  • to speak up.
  • have a happy and successful new year  AND to continue to awaken to all of the beauty and promise that surrounds me.
  • keep dreaming.