Tuesday, February 28, 2012

In Retrospect

If the puzzle that is my life were almost finished, I would have been able to see if he fit.  I would have seen how beautiful my hand was in his in the matching pieces or I would have been able to match the directions of the branches, the backgroud colors... As it happened, my puzzle wasn't almost finished and I didn't find a match so he couldn't be a piece of my puzzle.  It is so unfinished that I wonder if he did belong.   I wonder if I will get to the end and find that there is a piece the shape of him missing.  BUT if he didn't fit and in my scenery of fields and beaches and open spaces there was one image, incomplete with the backgroud of the concrete jungle and we had spent a lifetime trying to make it fit, trying to pretend it fit ...well, I don't know.  Maybe I need a little graffiti on my soul... I probably already have some...  but it wouldn't have been graffiti.  I don't know much about relationships but he didn't complete me and though I feel a little loss, I musn't forget how I felt then and how I felt yesterday.  I must continue to live the life I imagine.  I must continue my puzzle.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Mondays

According to my computer it is 26 degrees outside right now but may go up to 56 degrees.  So planning for my day I think about the fact that I don't really get a restroom break until after noon.  My kidneys - at least I think it's my kidneys, hurt in the mornings when I wake up.  It may just be my back; my bed is broken. I need to drink more water.  I need to put my head on straight and press on.  I'm feeling a little down.

... so I'm trying to give up sugar for my teeth.  I sit right now and "enjoy" a cup of sugarless tea, yum.  I am now preparing my sugarless coffee to take with me.  I find the sugarless coffee more palatable than the tea.  I have been using local organic raw honey but find the bits of wax to be an annoyance at times.

... so I tuck my bruised feelings away and gather my things to take to work.  I must ORGANIZE!!  Who had time for love anyway!  Not me.    Anyway he's being strangely rude right now.  I don't understand it but if I've learned nothing over the years I've learned not to try to figure it out.  Just edit.

I have to see about finding a lawyer today who can represent me in my divorce.  We have been separated for many years but now but I wasn't able to pay for the divorce so until he was able to get with a woman who was willing to pay for it, we were going to be married.   I didn't see why I should have to pay when it was he who never wanted to be married or even behave like a married man.  I think the irony in his life when he looks back is that he will see that he has always been on a leash of his own making.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

On Your Mark..

Today I'm torn between the personal and the professional.  I need to study.  I want to study.  Before I study, however, I must do my planning for the week.  I tried to sleep in but the children were bickering.  In a way I did sleep in; I slept until about 7.  I still wanted to be lounging but my room is no longer a desierable place to be thanks to the bickering.  Yesterday I got some housework done and some other important work.  This week will be full....which is nice because it keeps me focused and absorbed in the moment.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Stupidhead

I would like never again to discuss anything that was or that might have been. But as you lie in your bed at night if you happen to remember something I would like for you to remember it as such...
...that you once hoped to love someone who had learned not to need love.... you made her hope just a little before giving up, before the dust cleared... You gave up just as she thought you might one day win her over.
She felt silly for hoping. She didn't want to be Mrs. Shelton -. E----- III. She just wanted to love you. It would take a bit...she was just learning that she could feel at all. She needed to feel safe to express love... cuz privacy is my middle name... :-)
It was right because it was. Time doesn't move backwards and what is done is done. Tired, she shruggs and mumbles, then it wasn't meant to be... There will be times when she misses being wanted, misses the invitations - they really were like being given flowers. She will miss wrapping herself in your night. She had been looking forward to summer and wonders how she will replace those moments in her life. Who knew she would enjoy them so much. It wasn't right yet. She had nothing to give. There was nothing left at the end of the day.
She went into this only intending to be the salve to your wound to wrap herself around you until you were healed. Her work was done. Success!! Swagg intact.
As it turns out you gave... She'll get her passport renewed. She'll work hard so that when her head hits the pillow she will fall quickly to sleep and not think about the fact that the bed is broken and the sheets are cold and the kids are facing middle school next year and so, so much more. She had been thinking for some time that it wasn't meant to be for her. She smiled thinking how much her family would have loved you - a good christian man.
...she takes a deep breath and adjusts her blinders. She'll go to Colombia and drink wine and laugh in another language. It wasn't time. She has nothing to give. Everyone wants something and she has nothing to give. It isn't time.
So you won't know that she loves with the same ferocity with which she argues or what she'll say when she completely relaxes because that doesn't happen in months. She feels a little strange at work since you blabbed to your confessor. She's ashamed of it all now. She knows she's a stupidhead. She knew it but convinced herself that this time would be different. It was. It was also still uncomfortable. She thinks her heart may be bruised ...maybe it's her pride... Maybe it's the fear that she really can't do this, that she doesn't know how and won't ever love and be loved...but that is not a conversation for you and her.
But when you see her, if you see her, think of none of this. It bothers her to be called by her last name- by you... it was as if you pretended not to know her in the privacy of your conversation. She got it. She's gone. Memories aren't clear, they are never really how things were. They will be warmer and softer and kinder.
This one is going to take a couple of dresses and a massage and a pedicure to overcome and maybe a trip to the dominican salon - one day.
One thing is for sure though. She will not go mending any more broken hearts.
. --
One day long after her memory has blown away as chalkdust in the wind...he will learn that whether you're 17 or 47 good things take time, people find or make their groove over time. He will realize the truth of what was and that the pain that he blamed on her was misplaced. When she stepped in he was feeling pain at the absence of another and suddenly he needed all of her to absorb the tears. It was too much and then he was all upset over her? No. He was lonely. Hell??? She had taken him throuh hell?? He accused her of not listening but he never truly understood her. ....You couldn't. She couldn't quit eating and hope to die when her heart was broken. She had to stand up and keep going. THAT is how she understood your pain. She had carried that kind of pain for so long ... and it changes a person. Every moment with you was like cheating on the life that she was destined to.
She is sorry. She wishes you the best but needs you to promise that if you all are ever to speak again it will NOT be of any day before the day that you are in and THAT moment that you share.
Go! Live the life you've imagined! (I didn't write that last line but I can't remember who did either.  ...Emerson??)

And On it Goes

This morning I'm tired.  I didn't get enough sleep last night so my world is a little gray.  Instead of drinking a cup of coffee I am here contemplating making one.  The message isn't going so quickly to my feet.  It is before 5 am. 

I received the date of my final divorce yesterday and wonder why the judge or the lawyer didn't just send me the papers to sign as they said they would.  It must be that the child support case wasn't transferred.  I didn't want it transferred.  He will try to drag me through the mud for a divorce.  I am not going to worry about it.

I will see what I have to do and do it.  I won't even think about it until after my GRE.  Well, not too much.  I guess I have to find a way to buy a plane ticket... and maybe get a lawyer.  I can't afford a lawyer but I get the feeling that he is in bed with the judge so I HAVE to do something.... but for now I'll get dressed and get to work. 

I will pray.  Our marriage was a farce!  He feels like he is a good father because he sits somewhere far away and says that he loves his children.  He thinks that the fact that they love him means that he is good.  He doesn't understand that it means that they are good and that his "love" benefits them none.  That indeed if it weren't for the court order and threat of jail they wouldn't get the little financial support they get from him.  ...but that is not a conversation for little ears.  THAT is a conversation for me and whomever else will listen.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Getting Back

Taking just a moment to think before my day REALLY begins.  Yesterday was my last day off for more than a month so I have to get my head on straight and really plan to enjoy every day at work.

The kids are well.  The house is approaching clean.  I was able to complete some things that I wanted to complete over the weekend but I have to keep the momentum up for approx 6 more weeks.  During that time I will also take my GRE so balance must also be my focus. 

I am in a good place so I start my day with a prayer for equilibrium.  It's always so precarious.  Before I leave for work I will start the dishwasher and throw one more load of laundry in.  I'm off to a lovely day.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Long Weekends

Today I have so much to do, but everything that I must do makes tomorrow better for me.  The larger challenge is re-learning to do some math for my GRE.  That, however, must be last today as I have to organize for the week.  I have to make sure that there is enough food in the house. 

*I have to pay my Cricket bill.  I hate Cricket but I will keep it for one more month.  When they initially opened they offered something that no one else did but now you can get better service for less.  What I cannot justify is the purchase of another phone right now.  So I keep my service for now.  I'm not happy about it.  I am waiting to hear if my son will be chosen to go to a wonderful preschool. 

I have bills to pay.

I have taxes to do. 

I have laundry to do and to put away.

I have some ironing to do.  I hate ironing but I have decided that I need to start some good habits.  I am reading a book called, "The Practicing Mind" ... I would like to finish it today. 

I need to return some overdue library books and go to the grocery store. 

I have to create a menu for the week.  The problem with living on a small budget is that I don't buy snack foods and the children have said that they are hungry waiting for dinner after school. I buy them fruit but it is usually gone in a day.  So yesterday I went and bought a lot of fruit and some microwave popcorn.  If I can cook large amounts every other day, then we shouldn't be waiting for dinner to be ready.

I am also going to start letter writing, one letter of complaint and one letter of gratitude every week.  I have had a wonderful weekend but have been able to finish very little. 

I also want to begin my application for graduate school.

Sign up for my first session to learn exercises to close my diastasis recti.

.... In a few moments I will check off the first thing on my list and that was to write.  I am drinking coffee and making breakfast for my 6 year-old daughter and myself.  Everyone else sleeps the day away.

I would also like to slip away and have lunch by myself somewhere with my Kindle. 

I have stopped talking to my dear friend who so wanted to be married and I am surprised to feel just the faintest twinge of discomfort.   I knew I couldn't give him what he wanted and he is a thoughtful and kind person who deserves to have the desires of his heart just as I deserve to have accomplished something and to be free to enjoy life as I see it.  I wish him all the joy his heart can stand.
19 February 2012


Sunday, February 19, 2012

Sweet Freedom

So I contemplate this thing approximating a relationship that I have...or had.  There has been no more unclear interaction between two human beings since the beginning of time I am quite convinced.  I have learned about myself though.  I have learned that in the past 10 years I have created limits, places beyond which I will not go.

He said to me early on that he did not like to be told, "no" and so he would never tell me "no".  It wasn't even worth a discussion.  I mean even God gets told "no" ...although there is hell to pay for it....   I mean, did he think that those words would in any way affect my answering?  They did though..  I said things like "I can't..."  He still heard, "no".  He said those words to me as if they were reasonable.  So much of what he said was reasonable in his head but he is a fast learner and has learned that I don't think like he does. 

So now we text, "Good Morning"... and "Good night"  he once got upset with me because he thought my Good morning text wasn't loving enough.  I don't think he got more than a "really?" in response. He addresses me by my last name and every time he does I promise myself that he won't get any closer to me.  I hate that!  I married a man who wouldn't attempt to say my name.  Ok, he did a few times but it was a half ass'd attempt.  It was pathetic.  Are they all like this?  Ok, well the one I am speaking of is nothing like the one I married except for a certain neediness.  It is a different neediness though, to be fair.  The one I married needed a woman to stand behind him and hold his weak a** up.  To always make it seem as though he had something to contribute and in return he might love her one day...when all of his other options dried up. 

As he tries to prove to immigration that our marriage was real I always think.  Ask him about me.  He knows nothing.  The divorce papers that I received read "DOB: Unknown." 

I am just beginning to feel free.  I am beginning to feel like all things are possible again and I love it.  I can't imagine that I would ever again try to crawl into a box with someone and let all of my decisions be based on them.   That was crippling.   


Saturday, February 18, 2012

School

So, I have decided to go back to school.  I am applying to graduate school and finally feel like this is the program for me, not just the next step in the direction that my life happens to be going.  I am excited.  I am presently studying for my GRE and loving it.  I did a math problem yesterday!!! Yea!!!.  Don't get me wrong I do math.  I can regularly calculate discounts and coupons and the like I do my budgeting but classroom math I haven't really done since I left the classroom. I feel good.  I feel cautiously hopeful.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Día de San Valentín

Well, its the morning after and I am finishing up my New York Style CHEESECAKE for breakfast.  There's simply something right about that.  I did the usual and went to P.F.Changs with my little very funny valentines and my not so little valentine.  (I had to squeeze out a tear to get him to go.)  No, it wasn't in the budget but that is our tradition and it has always been special to me to go out with all of them.  We missed Julian and can't wait until the school years is over and he can come home.

Mateo leaned over to me while we were eating and said "someone's mad" I asked who and he pointed at the Indian man at the next table. Zoë grabbed his hand and said, "Pointing is rude, Mate.  We don't do that."  I was too busy laughing.  Mateo ate all of his food like a big boy.  After his soup, we always get the wonton soup, he loudly announced that he wanted more food.    He tried to eat with chopsticks and successfully carried food to his mouth using them.  I was impressed!  It was really nice.

Emïl insisted on using his chopsticks but at one point just started using them as skewers.  Sofía was the first one done and ate some of my food.  Her kids meal just wasn't enough and when she took a drink of my water she drank the entire glass.  Roberto has food allergies so he just had a plate of steamed vegetabes and the soup.  I realized after the fact that he probably shouldn't have eaten the soup because the wonton was probably made of wheat.

Isaac sat and drew and took pictures.  It would have been perfect if Julian were there.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Mother Daughter Time

Yesterday I spent the day with my older daughter.  It was nice and reminded me a lot of time spent with my mother when I was her age.  We went to the store to pick up some things for her brother and then to the post office to mail them.  At the post office she picked out stamps for herself and then we went to Hallmark for stationery.  The kids drew pictures for everyone they could imagine and today we will mail them. 

I am still so busy that I haven't really the time to write but is is more important that I do because it grounds me and allows me to process my days. 

I am trying to balance being everything to all people with my desire for personal growth. 

I was very angry the other day when I researched taking the required co-parenting class for my divorce.  I had to step back and look at the entire picture and accept that although it will hurt us financially,  I simply must detach myself and do what I need to do so that we can make it final and I can truly move on with my life. 

...My younger daughter has become a super speller. (of 3 and 4 letter words)  I am so proud.  She walks around the house calling out letters and spelling things all day.