Saturday, March 31, 2012

Enlightenment

I have learned that closure doesn't happen for me with a decision, that it is like locking the lock on the vault at Hogwarts :-).  It is a multi-step process.

I have also seen that I must seem like a complete liar to Shelton.  He has made me eat every one of my proud words. (BUT at least he has never beat me at Words with Friends.) My explanation is this.  I thought this would be easy.  If you ask an alcoholic if they can give up drink they will probably tell you they can if they have never tried to.  That was my opinion of giving up Shelton.  "Ok, I'll be alright." and then he was gone and I was virtually running behind the vehicle yelling, No, wait!!!  My yells increasing in desperation as the distance between us increased and I realized how much of my "normal" I owed to him for the past few months.  ... and finally knelt in the middle of our deserted road - alone.

I was talking tough and he was believing it and I was believing it.  ... now I sit among the rubble.  It is mostly brochures, promises of a better life, a warmer life.  He no doubt took some with him to offer to someone else. 

I sift through the rubble to find my own dreams.  They're old and covered in dust but they're all I have.  I will make a better life for my family. 

There are no longer even dust clouds on the road ahead of me.  It is almost as if I was always alone in the rubble ... except that I remember. 

I write strong words about how he needs to be happy and with someone who can give him what he deserves.  I will write them until I believe them and until I stop hoping.  It keeps cropping up, hope.  I don't mean for it to but every once in a while I find myself staring into space at images of happier times, that I've just made up.  Then it's back to work!  Picking up the pieces  I won't try to put them back together.  I'll just move on.... later.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Goodbye

I was going to sign off for the day and find somewhere else to study but it seems to me that I need to use this time wisely and work through all that I was feeling yesterday.  I have to resolve it.

I had been feeling overwhelmed for days.  Life was nothing more than a series of deadlines.  I got to work and saw Shelton.  He has moved on.  It made me feel so unimportant.  On the one had it justified my distance from him during our relationship.  Maybe I was right and if I had given him my soul it would simply have cut me more deeply.  I had a hard time convincing myself of that though and think, Maybe he was right and if I had just given more I could at that moment walk into his arms.

That thought gave way to other thoughts because he offered me so much that when life got heavy I wondered if he might have helped me carry a bit.  Even thinking it makes me feel weak.  I had had a conversation about raising boys with one of my coworkers who said that I can teach my sons nothing about being a man.  I could only teach him to nurture.  Unoffended I continued through my day with everything else that was already on my mind and when I got home my kids were bickering.  ... my oldest son said that I was raising soft boys.  I need to talk to someone so I called Shelton's voicemail.  I knew he wouldn't answer.  I just needed to talk to someone who I trusted and he had given me that, now I would talk to his voicemail.

From where I sit right now I don't think he could have delivered on what he offered.  If I am honest with myself he is not all that I dreamed of though he has mysteriously converted himself into such.  His past worried me.  Some of his values and ties made me wonder what I might have brought into the lives of my children.  I felt guilty always.  I didn't know how to love him.  I find myself thinking now of 100 ways I might love him but I know that I would be climbing into a box with him and giving up on my plans.

It is not so clear right now.  I am not sure that the box wouldn't have been safer or more comfortable.  I told him he felt safe.  He was strong and warm and that was new to me.  It was completely foreign.  He likes the whirlwind.  I am not that.

I hope that he is happy.  I too am sorry that we could not have a successful relationship.  It could not have been right yet.  Though in my case separated for years, were both still married.  It turned out that his divorce had never even been filed.  He insisted that he had put that past behind him.

The tone of our friendship began to change as the more I saw him as mine the less I wanted to hear about his wife.  He is odd that way.  He was so angry at her for reasons that I didn't understand but she had done so much for him and he still carried the laughter with him.  I wish them understanding.  In his words she was quite a wife and I thought he didn't understand her need to reclaim her self, as a person AND as a woman.  I don't think she was right but as stupid begets stupid well, things snowballed.

I mourn the loss of his friendship.  But he wanted what he had and I couldn't become that so I wish him that. For a couple more months I will avert my gaze and bury myself in my work.  We may or may not speak.  I poured my heart out to him yesterday.  I was overflowing with emotion and needed to express it both to him and simply to talk to a friend.

In the end I must be thankful for the moment.  I had never been treated like that.  I will never again accept anything less.  There was no way his wife was ever going to find better.

I remember when we first spoke he said that he had been married for 13 years and that she "just didn't want him anymore."  He is no longer the needy emotional cripple I met and I musn't be either.  So I toast the moments when he kept the cold at bay for me and introduced me to new things.
I have run away.  I am sitting in a hotel room thinking about life.  Yesterday I was so emotional.  I could only feel what was lacking and not what blessings I am surrounded by.

I was inspired almost immediately to work on my business idea.  Today I have to sit in a corner and read and think.  I have a cold as I haven't been sleeping well.  Last night I slept well but I didn't bring my contact lens case so I slept in them....

Maybe I'll write tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

This is such a long week.  I have been unable to get up at 5am and have been getting up at 5am.  I have been so tired when the alarm goes off.  I have to get my balance today.  In a few minutes I must go to work and hope to be more productive there.  I must complete my grading today.  If I need to make any small changes tomorrow I will but I musn't take any work home with me tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Silly Talk

Mom:   I think I am going to have to use my sexy jutsu on Shelton.
Daughter:  Mom, do you even know what that is?
Mom: What is it?
Daughter:  That is when Naruto turns into a girl and he's not wearing clothes so he has clouds around him.
Mom:  Then I guess I shouldn't do it at work.
Daughter: Maaaaaaa!!!!!!
[son enters]
Son: [to daughter] Stop that!
Daughter:  Did you hear what Mom just said?
[explanation]
Son:  Sooo, you're going to turn into what?  A man?
Mom: No, I'm already a woman.  Less change.
They just shake their heads.

Son and daughter are 11.  They were so embarrassed :-)

I won't use my jutsu on Shelton.  He is a grown man and made his decision.

A Flicker

I saw it.  You looked into my eyes for the briefest of moments but it went so slowly and before I averted my gaze, I saw you searching.  What were you searching for?  Were you looking for hurt?  ...for saddness?  ...for hope?

It was like a visual game of chicken.  You knocked on my door and I walked to the door so slowly.  It was you and I was afraid of what you would say.  I hold my breath when you speak.  It was business.  I exhaled and then realized that I had hoped, and then I experienced the briefest pang of disappointment tinged with a little regret.

You won.  I had to look away.  We were at work.  We couldn't just stand there staring at each other... could we? 

Since the void in my life is approximately 6'2" you can momentarily eclipse the solitude.   I am feverishly seeking  things to fill the void.  So far I have put in it a few pairs of shoes... it still seems so empty.  I turn my back to it and pretend that it isn't there.

..I think you might have been looking to see if it was safe.  Wondering how well you know me and if I might indeed JUMP on you.  :-)

A Big Week

I have so much to do but the success of what I do lies in doing it completely.  I cannot miss Shelton.  I cannot study when I need to be entering grades.  I cannot do the girl's hair while I am studying.  I MUST sleep. 

I am falling short.  My days are filled with successes but not enough of them.  I have gotten almost no studying done. 

I have to accept the baby's school offer and right now I have to leave for work so that I have some quiet time before my day begins.  I have my loud girls today.  "Lord grant me..."

Sunday, March 25, 2012

It has been a long tiring day.  I accomplished a lot though not all that I wanted to.  I'm tired.  I'm having pain in my shoulders and difficulty breathing.  I'm heavy hearted too.  I am going to exercise and go to bed.  I need a couple of days in quiet meditation.  I just don't know how to make that happen.
Yesterday I got closure on my latest relationship.  It wasn't beautiful or tearful.  I learned over the last couple of days what he was up to.  He apologized.  I thanked him.  I told him not to come near me but to feel free to speak virtually.  I sent him a funny picture and let it go. 

I know he is not a bad person.  I did lose some respect for him but I understand what he is trying to do and I won't spend another moment thinking about his life when I have my own life that needs me. 

I raise my glass and make a last wish that he see himself through my eyes.  Silly, but it gives me satisfaction.  It sucks to work with him.
I have to credit the weather with much of how I feel.  Spring brings me a feeling of newness and possibility.  In a moment I will run away and get some work done.  I will plan my week.  This week I have to be more focused than I have ever been before and I must waste no time.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I believe in saying what you need to say.  Yesterday I did.  It was like screaming at a wall.  This morning I drink my coffee and square my chin.  I was getting that alone feeling again.  I'm up and dressed and ready to start this day.  One step at a time. 

He told me something once that made my blood run cold.  I don't know why I stayed with him after that moment.  It changed my opinion of him.  It defined him for me... and yet ...

He was a reminder of how complex one human being can be. 

It was a post R- relationship that I needed to have.  I smile at the fact that I haven't ceased to be me.  In a way it was kind of perfect. (I tell myself.)  Relationships ARE better suited for cold weather. 

He was interesting he wanted to move up the socioeconomic ladder but he was also so proud of his moments at the bottom.  They had defined him.  He had a beautiful family. 

I've decided that I must've done something to him for him to behave towards me the way he does.  What I must've done was blindly step on his feelings.  I must have made his inner T-hug come out. 

OK, on to better things...

Sunday, March 18, 2012

I am going to start a separate blog about my decision to get fit.  It will keep me focused daily on my objective and give me a tool to keep myself accountable.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Focus

I haven't been feeling very talkative lately.  Today I am going to do my annual first waxing of the season.  I am wary.  I have avoided caffiene though I might stop for breakfast this morning.  My hip is making it difficult to walk so I will take some ibuprofen and meditatae for awhile.  I need to put my head on straight.  I am feeling overwhelmed.  

With the divorce so quickly approaching I am feeling anxious.   It doesn't help that it is just days after I take my GRE so I just have to put it in it's place.  I am walking into a divorce cold.  I tried to get a legal aid lawyer but never heard back from them.  I will attempt to contact them again this week.  For the most part, however, I will have to worry about the divorce once I walk into the courtroom. 

I must really divide my time between family, work, and nonsense.  I must create a schedule to study by and give up almost all forms of entertainment until April.  Today I will spend some time to think about that and write that out. 

I am trying to improve things for my children by next school year.  I just want them to attend better schools.  I am trying to move us forward and I know that it won't be easy.   Life will be very full. 

Well, the first child is up.  I had better begin my day.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Magic

And today I must fit everything in.  This weekend is for planning and organization and family and study and laughter.  I will cook something delicious, drink enough water, eat healthy fresh foods, breathe deeply and do my belly exercises.  I will take a moment to meditate and make sure that I stick to my prayers.

I've been tired again, just weary.  For a while I felt so energized when I got up at the crack of dawn but lately I am tired and I am trying to drink less coffee.  I had a headache for most of the day today. 

My old friend looked so beautiful teaching a little boy how to dance today :-)  We aren't even scrabble friends anymore.  There are no words between us at all.   I may start a game tonight and see if he'll play  me but if he won't I can't punch him.. and that hurts.  It was all so sudden and so strange.  I don't think I even want to know what happened.

The kids have been awesome.  I am blessed....but how do I get rid of the feeling that I should somehow be doing so much more than I am or that I would like to be able to check more things off of my list my lists...

I am sitting here listening to the Music of Marc Anthony..snacking on Mate's leftover carrot sticks.  I am going to have a sweet potato for dinner and relearn some math before bed.  Hopefully, I'll be able to get into my "zone" (special thinking place).  The kids are playing board games.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

This is IT

So I have precious little time to study.  This is me indulging the worry for just a minute.  Spring is coming and I am feeling the need to get pretty.  Not to mention, I have to get over the loss of a friend and so I am trying, quite unsuccessfully to busy my mind. 

I learned yesterday the exercises that I must do to close my diastasis recti.  I am relieved and excited with every muscle contraction. 

In the past 2 or so days, I 've had 2 children throwing up so I am just waiting for the other shoe to fall.  It is Sunday.  Sunday is so precios to me because the smoothness of the week all depends upon how well I spend my Sunday.    Today I need an hour or two to study and then there is laundry and planning and groceries.

I've also started to eat healthier and I already feel a bit better in some ways but I think I am not eating enough beause I feel fatigued.  How do I get healthier without losing weight?  

I need a massage... a full body massage.  I have so much to do today.  Right now I am enjoying a cup of tea ... and thinking hmmm.  I'm in a good place.  I need to find a corner to study in to read in.  Today I will write a study schedule.