Sunday, April 29, 2012

Grey

Yesterday I spent most of the day in a funk.  I didn't do laundry; I went out.  I took my son to PF Changs and we shared a meal while I thought and played Mahjong.    I then went and bought my coffee and a couple of other small things.  It was nice to walk through the mall.  I am going to make a work out schedule today and do some additional planning. 

I hadn't felt that grey feeling in so long but it was awful. 

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Finding my Footing

It is Saturday morning and I have so much to do.  There is laundry and the Cinco de Mayo lesson that I need to create.  I need to go to the store so that I can avoid McDonalds this week.  I need to buy a bag of coffee ... also so that I can avoid McDonalds.  I get my Starbucks coffee and actually save money because I make it one cup at a time at home.

I feel kind of blah today.  Not really tired just blah. I think I will go get a waxing and workout today.  That will help.  ...I probably won't do it in that order.  The lady I go to is not close though and I don't want to use the gas.  There is a place near here but the guy who runs it lacks something.  To me visiting a salon must be a feminine experience and though his salon is nice, it is lacking something feminine.  It is bright with big windows it lacks a warmth.  He does want his customers to be happy though.  It is just not my ideal.  It is not what I would create.  It is not too expensive and that's a big plus.  So I will check to see if they even do what it is that I want done.  The legs I am going to wax myself.  I am going to learn until I get it right.  I should also comb out my hair. I need to recapture my femininity.

...thinking about that other situation, I am kind of relieved that it happened the way it did.  Being close to him I couldn't breathe... I couldn't understand the effect that he had on me...

Today will be about me ... and laundry ....


Friday, April 27, 2012

Now

I sat in a meeting today and listened to the talk about thought and teaching kids to think.  The school seems to me to be like a lab and I feel that I grew up in the wild and learned the things we struggle to teach by experience.  I learned to think critically because I didn't want them to be right. 

...it gets easier but it doesn't go away.  Those little gremlins the maybes and what ifs still haunt me.  I indulge less than half of my urges to communicate with the past.  I bought an app today of beautiful quotes.  One of the sayings is "Words don't have the power to hurt you unless the person who said them means a lot to you." I found that to be quite sweet.  Not a day goes by that there is not something that I want to share with him.  I didn't know.  I felt the storm coming and tried to steel myself against it but I could not and it took from me more than I knew I had.  

...I think sometimes of our conversations
too much information
  I didn't want to know so much
          she was too good so I didn't worry
          I could never earn that. 
... I the beginning I thought you needed a hand
  I had one.  I extended it.  You held it.  You talked
  I listened.  It wasn't all informational.  It was a resume.
  You applied for a position in my life.  I didn't even know that there was an opening.

See what type of guy I am? you would say.  I would smile.  You were all spin.
It was sweet.  Secretly, I knew that I needed the help noticing.
Slowly, you were teaching me how to love you.
It scared me.

... it was all so fast.... talk to your mom?  what would we talk about?  she liked what?  when?   Oh, you still love her.  OK.  I will stay back here?  But you love me and you are NEVER going back to her.  Oh, there was another whom you still love.    

just before I fall off to sleep I realize that I was true to me and I cannot therefore regret.  I spent our time neatly stretched between my God given responsibility and you, sweet, thoughtful, carinoso, you.   And as you let go and I snapped back it felt, well, unnatural. 

 





Sunday, April 22, 2012

Spending Time

So I have started to gear up for summer.  I have purchased some plants and started to clean off the patio.  It is covered in spiders and debris, mostly dried leaves.  I'm lining up the books that I would like to read.  Sadly, I think I am going to have to work this summer.  But I am kind of looking forward to it. 

What is beautiful, however, is that I can look for something stimulating that will lend to our tomorrows in some way.  I am looking forward to it.

I feel good.  I have the slightest pang of curiosity and concern about an old friend but nothing that a quick prayer won't apease.  I won't pry.

So much is about attitude and I feel good.  I feel ready to make a difference.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Happy

When I walked in the door yesterday my 2 year old yelled, "Happy Valentines Day Mommy!"  It was the sweetest thing ever or at least since he yelled, "Happy Birthday Mommy!" the last time.  I love it.  He has decided that these things mean what?  I love you?  I am happy to see you?  He is so excited when he says them that I tell him.  "Thank you, Little Bear and happy birthday to you" or "Happy Valentines Day to you" as I pick him up and kiss his still chubby cheeks.

Today I continue to struggle through some writing I have to do.  It needs to be perfect so I have returned to it numerous times as I don't want to work on it distracted.  In a few minutes I am going to go to Panera to work.  Hopefully I will find a spot in which I CAN work.

I have decided to go to First Watch instead.  I prefer their breakfast food and the drive will give me time to think.  It is some distance away but there is nothing comparable closer. 

Friday, April 13, 2012

First Things First

I'm facing a grad school application deadline that is either today or Sunday.  I really thought it was Sunday but for some reason my phone reminder says it is today.  I am not prepared.  My application isn't complete.  My references aren't in.  I am so tired I can hardly stay upright and though I really want this, I am thinking that if I cannot make the deadline I will just have to apply for next year.  If I apply for next year I will apply to other universities as well.

I don't want to wait.  Being in school will give my life focus.  It will defer my student loans and most of all it will give me the feeling that I am realizing my purpose.  This week I had to stop though.  I had to just sit down for a moment.  It is Friday and that means so much to me.  I will have an awesome day with my students and then come home to work on that.  I am not even going to try to get to work early today.  I am going to sip my coffee and try to focus myself.  Right now I must conquer THIS day.



 


Tuesday, April 10, 2012

It's Back to Work...

Ahhh, today is a BIG day and I simply must focus before I step into it.  I got up shortly before 5 (after hitting snooze too many times).  I realized that had had a growing sense of dread as my spring break came to a close. That bothered me.  I enjoy my work and I must continue to in order to be successful at it.

I am out of practice going to bed early and waking at the crack of dawn.

I have to write a personal statement.  I may come home and nap and then get up and do work for me.  In a moment I will have my coffee and begin my day.

I have to fake it until I feel good.  I have to hold my head up a little higher.  At least I went in and straightened my classroom so it will have a newer feel.  I have to work on seating charts today!  That is a fight.  I have created a document to record the behavior issues in my toughest class.  I am simply going to have to pray this morning.  I need to separate myself from it.  This morning will be packed.

I will make this a good day.  I will make this a good day.  I will make this a good day.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Last Day of Spring Break 2012

... sooo much to do.  I actually prefer having things to do it gives shape to my days naturally.  I have to finish up my grad school application and in order to do that I have to secure my last two recommendations.  I need to take care of that today.

In addition to that I need to create a skeleton plan for the last quarter with my students this year so that they know how to close the year successfully.  I have so much to do.

Yesterday was glorious.
The family really made Easter special for my children.  As usual, I am torn.  I  need to do work but I see that there are dishes to wash and clothes to wash and put away and I am pulled in that direction.  Today, however, I must leave that to the kids because I need to focus.

Right now I have my morning coffee and only Sofía is awake with me.  I am making her some eggs and she is tip-toeing around trying not to wake her siblings.  ... ahhh but here comes the baby.  I must go begin my day and start some breakfast for him.  It has been a wonderful week.  I am ready to take on the last part of the school year... almost.  I will thoroughly enjoy today.  After this week I can get to my patio gardening. Yay!!

Saturday, April 7, 2012

On Men (not as lewd as it sounds; don't get your hopes up).

As I heal from my last attempt at a relationship and accept that I didn't come out of marriage unscathed and that in an attempt to protect myself I actually really disappointed myself.  I think of things relating to love, friendship, children and men in general.  I have a little regret that I am working through.  Daily I think of reasons that it could never have worked but I didn't realize that I would miss him so.

One of the things that really gave me pause was the children.  I did not ever want to have a man around them who wasn't their father.  When I started seeing Shelz, however, I talked about them ALL of the time and he asked to meet them.  I did allow him to meet them and they LOVED him.  I saw that meeting him interacting with him filled a need in them.  It scared me and I really slowed things down after that.  I saw it complicating things with their father and them growing up with animosity toward him because they would now have a point of comparison and thought that they shouldn't grow up with those negative feelings.  Since the breakup, they have asked about him.  One conversation between my 6 year old daughter and my 2 year old son went something like this.

Daughter:  "I miss my d-a-d"
Son:  Me no miss d-a-d; me miss Shelton (pronounced Sheh-tin)

They only saw him a few times and I worried throughout those visits that I was doing something wrong.  That I might look bad or that my children wouldn't accept the needs of this human being.

Fast forward a few weeks...

I took my boys to the barbershop yesterday.  Usually I cut their hair and rely solely on the guard that is on the clippers to give them a normal hair cut.  They have curly hair, big curls so sometimes a curl or a whisp of hair will slip though or it will just be crooked and they are wonderful long suffering boys who go through life like that with little complaint until it grows out. My older son has begun to come home from school and say, "Mom will you fix this?"

Well, Easter is this Sunday and though I have a personal rule that I don't attend church on Easter (It is too crowded and the fashion bar is set too high) I have been roped into a family get together.  I enjoy those but to my children they are everything.  None of Spring Break has mattered just that they are going to Nana and Pop-Pop's house.  I bought them dresses and got the boys polo shirts and pants and got my tiniest big boy something to wear and I felt like.



Well, we went to the barbershop and the two older boys went first but when it was the baby's turn he cried and said that he didn't want a hair cut.  There were 3 barbers there, all African men.  One was dressed kind of ghetto fab with a long chain that had a large dragon hanging down low on his chest.  He was tatted up and meticulously groomed.  I watched him groom his clients and he even trimmed their nose hair. I was immediately going to give up on the littlest one getting his hair cut but as I waited for the receptionist to give me change he came over and knelt down next to my little one and talked to him.  He was so patient.  He was so kind.  He picked him up and carried him to the barbers chair.  As well as any 2 year old could, he complied.  It was difficult for them to "shape-up" the back of the neck because it tickled.  He was infinitely patient and talked to him through the whole haircut getting his permission for everything.

At one point he made eye contact with the tatted barber who looked at him and said "What's up?"  to which Mate replied without skipping a beat, "What's up?"  The barber then offered his fist and Mateo fist bumped him.  Mateo seemed to gather as he sat there with those three men that he was one of the guys and that guys don't smile so much because as I looked at him beaming "mommy style" he would flash me a little half grin and then straighten his face.

So a little over a week ago I was talking to one of my co-workers who was telling me about is research and it dealt with statistics and young black boys and the need for men in their lives.  He said to me, "There are a lot of good men out there." and thinking of my most recent mishap, I said, "No there aren't."  It made me think of my family.  My children really are surrounded by good people the difficult part is finding time in the rat race.  


Thursday, April 5, 2012

Sporting

L-O-V-E

I was overwhelmed the other day and needed a little time alone when my 6 year old son says to me.  "Mom, when you're finished crying, can we clean your room?"  I wasn't crying and it gave me the giggles.  What lovely little miracles I have.

To Hope or Not to Hope


Hope is independent of the apparatus of logic.  -Norman Cousins-

Sometimes when I am browsing the web I read something that makes me feel, well?, normal.  This is one of those sayings that has that effect on me. I sometimes catch myself hoping for something that I should have long forgotten and there is no reason to think that I might one day revisit that moment or those moments but as my mind wanders back through the memories my heart skips a beat.  I then snap back to reality and chastise myself for my almost unconscious blunder.



Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Today I will read a book my grandfather wrote hoping that I can use something from it for my business school application essay.  It is called "The Negro in Business".  My grandfather was from India so I think the perspective will be interesting.  It was written more than 60 years ago.  I will also talk to my father.  The essay I will write to my children.  My hope is to create a purpose for my application but a link for my children.  I will also work out YAY!!!

Spring Break - Tuesday

Now that I"ve completed my morning work out I am unsure where exactly my day should go from here.  I have WORK work that I need to do and then there are some personal things that I need to do.  I bought a copy of the Harvard Business Review that I would like to read. I need to finish reading my grandfather's book.  I need to write my essay for my application and prepare my patio for planting season.

I also need to plan the last quarter, call parents, and write rubrics.  Me today and work tomorrow.  I will actually go in to do my work that way I can work without disruption and complete it.

To get closure in the other area I had to keep pushing but I finally got a response and not a silly superficial attempt at niceness.  He is such a super spinmaster that it is hard to get him to be honest about what isn't nice.  I think we may be a little alike in that.  I don't resent him.  I think age mattered.  Hope mattered.  He was trying to get back to something he had and I am trying to create something that I have never had.  We are polar opposites.  I won't even say anything else nice.  I feel nothing.  That is good.  It is good to have me back.  It is dirty to try to keep any portion of someone's affections with faux niceness. Say what needs to be said or live forever with it growing in your soul.  Bonne chance!!  Chill & Spin, RIP baby.

He took all of my childish attention getting strategies to heart.  He said I was mean.  He missed the intense flattery in my gestures.  We simply don't speak the same love language at all.  (and I might be emotionally LD, in some areas) Some people get hurt and then their pride forces them to live with that hurt.  I need to talk through it no matter what the outcome.  I needed his attention. ...so I got it. I can't imagine what it must've been like to live with that for more than a couple of weeks.  To sleep next to the imposed distance.  I could never have done it.

Perhaps the worst thing we do is settle for something that doesn't ignite us.  I am thankful that he didn't give me the chance to.  Perhaps warmth isn't enough.  I don't know and if I take a moment to think about it I will wonder.  I think I have wondered enough.  I want to live a life filled with passion and not simply bedroom passion.  I want to give, to help, to truly enjoy all of this ride while I am on it.  I don't think I have yet.   He was straight forward yet cryptic.  I didn't get him.  I still don't and the beauty is that I don't need to lose any sleep trying to.  It is someone else's job now.

Vive l'amour!!!


Sunday, April 1, 2012

Making it Happen

Now I change gears and begin to work on my grad school application.  I took my GRE yesterday with a full 1-day of study (not really full).  I think I did ok, considering...  And nothing on it was so frightening that I couldn't do much better.  It's crazy but I like tests like that.  I like the earmuffs and and quiet.  I guess it is because I never get quiet like that in my life.  For years now I have been wanting Bose noise cancelling earphones to read and study with but they simply cost too much for me so I dream.  One day I will have them.  For the last two sections of my test I was hungry.  It is a 4 hr test and I hadn't eaten.

Life is full.  In order to be able to do graduate school I will have to spend the entire summer restructuring my existence/our existence.  The first piece is in place.  My baby will be attending an excellent school.  Now for my education and the education of the rest of my children.

Today I will begin to read my grandfather's books so that I can use them to write my college entrance paper.  I do feel that with picking up business I create a continuum or I may pick up something where my grandfather left off.  In addition I am going to do all of the reading that I can on Martin Luther Kings Poor People's Campaign. I may not have the name quite right.  It is just an idea now.

First I must make spaghetti for my brother in payment for fixing my car which is old and likely to need fixing a few more times before I am able to replace it.