Saturday, September 22, 2012

Does life .....?

Source: etsy.com via Neille on Pinterest

Entitlements & Self-Reliance




There must be a way!  Why shouldn't it be that if I get up every day and work hard and invest love and thought and energy into the bringing up of my children why shouldn't it be that I expect for them to have enough to eat, a good education, and a safe environment?  I ask that question as much of myself as I ask it of anyone.

It is difficult to share one's struggles without being penalized with pity.  When one shares a difficult situation it evokes negative feelings in others, it's almost a hurt or some primal sense of responsibility; they feel feelings that they don't want to feel and so the response is an attempt to absolve themselves from the suffering of their fellow man, the result is pity.  Pity is condescending. It is never the desired response.  I sometimes just need to talk because as I process I begin to resolve whatever the immediate problem is.  I appreciate having someone with whom to talk.  I subscribe to the philosophy of  self reliance ...  but I cannot sacrifice my children to it.  I believe in the American Dream.  I don't think that it is accessible to everyone and herein lies the problem.  I need to make sure that it is accessible to my children.

I face life with arms outstretched palms raised.  I say, "Here I am."  These are the tools that I have.  I need to create or stage or be able to afford a proper childhood for my children, the kind from which they emerge strong, well balanced adults.

Somewhere in the annals of our national conscience there seems to be a deep belief in predestination. It may hark back to our Puritan beginnings and it  Is it that those who are without are beggars who don't want to work?  There is a belief that one gets what they deserve.  This works out very nicely if you are wealthy.  It means that you must also be good and in that goodness they try to impose their beliefs on the rest.

I'm watching the election and I am so saddened.  I am shocked and appalled but at the same time I knew that people felt this way.  I know that to some it is more important that gays don't marry than it is that children eat, and they vote accordingly.    Their little brand of morality won't save the world but they will go to bed and sleep soundly fully believing that they have done something right.

I am working on a plan of self reliance.  The problem is that I need to figure out how to get from here to there.  If I didn't see so much unnecessary imbalance and so often face the fear of not being enough I too might be a believer in that philosophy. But I have to believe that I can be enough and in order to do that I may need a little help now... or tomorrow.

I believe in a hand up and not a hand out.  I think our welfare system is broken because of the stigma attached to need.  Does the stigma keep the rolls down for the government or does poverty cost the government more ultimately....that leads of course to the Obamacare arguments. Am I my brother's keeper? 

I hate the idea of needing help but I have accepted that if my children are going to eat and have healthcare then I need help with some part of that.  I think at some point one might get used to the stigma and settle into their surroundings, stop fighting.  I think that one then develops their own sense of the dignity denied them.  ...

My attention is divided. More later.


Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Getting it Together


I just finished reading "Eat That Frog" and am really motivated to do what I have to do but when I think about it the thing that has kept me sane is the fact that I jealously guard just a bit of self and don't allow myself to get lost in responsibility.  That being said I wasn't accomplishing what I needed to accomplish.

I am grateful to be able to provide for my children but I have an idea of the mother that I would like to be and it involves just being with them.  Time without stress, laughing, sharing thoughts, making plants, and sharing dreams. 

Saturday, September 15, 2012

     I work every day to move in the direction that seems like it must be up.   It is the middle of September and already I can't see far enough ahead of me to know where my foot will land and yet I put it forward. 

     This year will be about developing the habits that help us to move forward.  It will also be about not isolating myself.  It is a careful dance.  One must bring something to the table but I always feel like I have nothing to offer.  I am barely enough for my responsibilities.  I am stretched so thin. 

     I must retain my focus so that I can be self sufficient.  I don't want to have to lean on anyone. 

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Back to School Night

It was back to school night.  It was a moment to look at the children's teachers.  I am disappointed in the teaching style of one of them, very disappointed. 

It was fun though.  It was fun because I raced Emïl and would have won except my shocked muscles protested.  On the way back I raced Zoë speed walking.  She won.  It was a light hearted and fun.

Now to focus...

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

So Hungry

They have a cooking show on in the waiting room.  The kids can't eat before surgery and the parents probably haven't.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

My Current Read

le weekend

Sitting in Starbucks waiting for my Ike.  He is working and I am happy for him.  He is working so hard that it worries me.  I am worried about how we are going to get the little one to his awesome school in three weeks but we will work it out.

My J is home and it is so nice to see him but the idea that he can think there is nothing to do when he hasn't planned the next step in his life is just amazing.  He has played video games for most of the day and I have yelled at my children about the fact that I have to beg them to help me with the housework.  I didn't want to drive Ike to the mall but realized that it would be an opportunity for me to get something done.

I read the lecture for class this week and started to type my response.  When I deleted it by accident I decided to work from home later but I have at least had time to do some reading and form my response.

I haven't been people watching in a while and it is nice to sit and watch people.  It just makes you feel silly for beating yourself up trying to be perfect, or perceived as perfect - ish.  You learn from watching people.  You vow to be a better parent and get ideas and encouragement in the world classroom.

I don't have time to reflect these days, to sit and write and think back and ahead.  These days life is full of musts.


I slept the night though.  I hadn't done that in more than a week, maybe a couple.  As much as we all look forward to the beginning of the school year and all of the new faces just a couple of weeks in, weekends are like salvation.  Last night's sleep was precious. Waking up wasn't painful.  I feel rested and in a moment I will have my coffee that is about 3/4 milk.  Maybe I will go sit in my neglected, wilting garden.