Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Just Breathe



I have to resign myself to the next couple of week.  After I pay the bills there is no money for anything.  There will be no lunches for the kids but there will be dinner.  I will do my best with what we have.  I musn't feel anger or pity it just is what it is.  I just feel overwhelm right now. I hate that I have to give them rice with the latest news on rice. 

Tonight I need to write two papers.  I will write them and I am motivated by what we don't have right now.  I have to get to a better place.  I am sorry that for this moment I cannot give them all.  Deep breaths.  I must make peace with this reality.  For a couple of weeks I am going to bury my head in the sand and just do what I have to do.  I simply must fix things. 

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Loving Life



Sometimes it is just about loving, about loving every moment we are given.  There is a moment when we are faced with all we think we have ever wanted, clarity.  We stand in the presence of goodness and we want to absorb it.  In a moment the mind can journey to forever in one glorious leap but as we soar eyes closed toward some imagined moment... *IMPACT* reality.  I stand and look around embarassed as I brush off hoping no one saw that just for a moment I was in love.  I will never know why it doesn't look good on me.  So today I again find my romance.  Morning chai, laughter, thankfullness.  'sigh'  Silly me.

I listen to Pablo Alboran which always takes my breath and makes me fall in love again...

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Siezing the Day

Source: theberry.com via Demi on Pinterest


This is one of the days that I write because I haven't written in a while.  I am not inspired.  I have no burning story within me that I must release.  I am coming through a few days of fatigue.  I got up this morning, sat down on the sofa and got up maybe 5 hours later.  I fell asleep over and over again.  I thought about making a cup of tea but it took me hours to make it.  I feel a bit energized.  In a moment I am going to settle into catching up on my classwork.  I am going to try to work ahead since we are expecting the effects of this big storm.

I am a bit out of focus and have to go back to siezing the day.  For the past two days I have needed to rest and now to hope that I have not failed my class.  I need my focus back.  There is so much to do that I have been kind of randomly doing the things that are within reach, and so, though some things are being done I cannot look around me with any since of  satisfaction or accomplishment.  

I now have to put things into focus.  I am going to settle into an evening of study and try to work as far ahead as I can in my classwork. 

The children are arguing... my son asks me for a piano...  I wish I could buy him one.  I know what I am called to do.  Now to just get started.  NOW!

Monday, October 15, 2012

A little cry...



This too shall pass...  I am tired and broke.  I had to replace the car and it is wonderful to be able to get into a newer car and drive but I took my rent to pay the down payment and today I just paid the rent late and I have no money.  When I say no money I mean we better not have any emergencys.  I walk in and get another bill.  I have no idea how I will pay it.  I want need to move.  This apartment is unhealthy and expensive.  In a moment I will email another list of maintenance requests.  They will not do the repairs.  They will once again paint over the wet moldy spot that appears in the coat closet.  They will not repaint the peeling paint on the children's door or my bathroom door or the girls wall.   They don't do anything about the slugs that crawl into the girl's room.  I pay $1,650 a month for this.  I am starting my search for another apartment. My children deserve better.  It looks like I will have to pay a crazy amount of rent to rent this place for one month over my lease to avoid signing a new lease.  I am going to have a cup of tea and do my homework. 

Monday, October 8, 2012

It's Cold Outside





It's cold. Today I would have burried myself in the warmth and bigger than me-ness of you and cried.  I would have slept well.  And when empty of all emotion I would have composed myself and walked away as only I can.  I would have needed to be alone.  ...And so it is good that you are well in your world and I am making better in mine. 

This time of year is so hard.  I need to work toward something small for me, a moment to sit in the sun and be okay or to analyze my life so that I can pick a direction and start walking.  Right now I feel like I am caught in the current 

Today went nothing like I planned.  I bought food on a credit card.  I don't like not knowing how we will make it.  It's hard to do well in one moment when I worry so much about the next.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Getting Through It




After doing countless loads of laundry, running my son to the store, blowing my nose every (what seemed like) 5 seconds cooking and giving direction to my little ones I fell asleep with my computer in my lap, homework unfinished.  We are going to church in a few moments and I feel horrible that it wasn't completed.  I need to fit two days into this one.  I have to do my lesson plans and finish laundry and write out a schedule and send emails...

I woke up because the children wanted to go to church.  They came in saying, "Do you want us to get dressed?"  I was awake.  I didn't want to be awake yet, but I was awake.  I little untruth.  I told them that they would clean the living room if they want to go to church.  They are working hard. 

I have to take a deep breath and put things into perspective.  At church the sermons are so long.  I really like the Anglican church that we visited.  The sermons were short so I didn't need to time out to do my shopping list and yet I took with me some words to live by. 

This week my goal is to be organized and to push through those things that I don't wish to do ... like go to the Motor Vehicles Administration.  I am going to need to get up early to keep my sanity. 

As I write this the list grows.   There is a family "fun" day at church.  While the kids run around and play games I will find a corner to study and work in.   I hope they have wifi. 

I raise my coffee cup..."to completing something...anything"

Saturday, October 6, 2012

The Year(s) of Beans and Rice...



Last Friday I walked out of my job and the back window was down on my minivan.  I chastised myself for leaving it down and got in my car to drive home.  When I went to put the window up I heard a grinding and my window would not go up.  We were expecting rain.  I got that feeling.  That feeling that it was too much and on my drive home I had to remind myself how far we have come. 

We left Ohio with nothing.  I left behind a piece of a marriage and almost everything I owned.  I walked away with my children and some old notebooks containing dreams from another existence.  It wouldn't be easy but I would do it.  I decided that I could wait no longer for anyone to offer us the life we deserved.  I would have to make it.

My car by that point had a broken CD player, 2 bald tires, a gutted catalytic converter, a problem with the brakes that couldn't be diagnosed, a short in the electric driver's seat controls, a broken headlight, and exterior damage from a dumpster door the day I moved into my apartment AND more damage from a neighbor backing into me last school year. 

I did a search online and left a message about one vehicle.  Someone called me from the dealership in the morning and I gave him all of my information.  I just figured I was beginning the process and would learn and continue to research. I was not in a position to negotiate and indeed I wasn't given an opportunity to.  They shuffled me here and there and then sat me down to sign papers.  I did get to test drive the vehicle.  I like it but with it comes extreme sacrifice.  I had spent the summer trying to save a couple of dollars here and there and buying little things that we had gone without. 

As we sat in the dealership, I kept telling my 11 year-old that we were really going to have to sacrifice.  I can't even look at amazon.com.  I can buy nothing more for my classroom.  It cuts deeper though.  My car insurance has gone up by half and I think it doesn't get mileage like my old vehicle.  I am handling one day at a time.  It forces me to get aggressive about saving money.  Maybe Geico doesn't offer the best rate.  I am going to have to shop around.

I am taking my classes and trying to grow in  my career.  This year is heavy but we have accepted what lies ahead.  In a way the new (er) car is  peace and a bit of pleasure that our lives lacked.  To be able to take a drive with the children without fear of breaking down is nice. 

I am working toward my next degree and it feels good.  We need to move as we don't live in the best area and that is next on my list of things to do.    It won't be easy but is life ever easy?