Monday, December 31, 2012

I Hereby Resolve - 2013


THIS IS OUR YEAR!! 

Our - as in the Mommies of the world, givers and sustain-ers of life and those who have given to and sustained us. I will live this year with all my heart. To us!

I enter this year ready.  I am on the starting block.  I have a vision.  I am inspired.  Possibility is within my reach and my goal this year is to put it within reach of many.  I pray for focus and endurance when times are hard.  I pray that when times are good I remember the suffering enough to keep the passion for my cause.  I pray for laughter enough to share.



1.  I resolve to be kind.


2.  I resolve to take one step every day in the direction of my goals... no matter how small.
3.  I resolve to accentuate the positive.  To write down what is right about every difficult situation.
4.  I resolve to work out EVERY day...even if it is simply tightening my stomach muscles while I drive.
5.  I resolve to eat a healthy diet.

v

6.  I resolve to measure my words.
In the words of Shakespeare, to give every man my ear but few my voice.  I have seen and felt how words hurt or heal. I respect the power of words and hope to always use them wisely.


Source: thingsmakemehappy.tumblr.com via adela on Pinterest

7.  I resolve to love.
   


This year I have learned that I need to love.  The simple act of caring about another human being and easing their suffering in some way completes me.   I have always loved in the way that we all do, but someone stepped into my life this year and awakened in me a desire to share the love of poets.  That love for which the word itself is insufficient, which one must describe using sunrises, sunsets, volcanoes and other things that evoke intense emotion.










8.  I resolve to be grateful.
     My children and I have so much to be grateful for.  I hate Decembers because my finances are usually low and I can't do Christmas in the way that I would like to but I am always shown such incredible love.  In December I am reminded that I am not alone.  My family is different - I think but they are fabulous.  I couldn't ask for better.

9.  I resolve to create.
     As the healing continues and I find that I am not permanently broken, I realize that I have talents and skills that are unique to me.  I doubt myself less and less and I begin to put things together in ways that at least I find beautiful.  Few things are more gratifying.

Source: piccsy.com via adela on Pinterest



10.  I resolve to forgive.
       I remember thinking that I would never forgive him for his selfishness.  It was only after some healing that I could see how selfish and masochistic even that was.  It was hurting me to hurt him except that I was the only person who could feel it.  Do I wish him well?  Maybe in 2014 ;-)










11. I resolve to meditate on good things/I resolve to pray.
12. I resolve to dream.
13. I resolve to reflect daily.
14. I resolve to work hard.




  I resolve to BELIEVE.
I RESOLVE TO DO.



Sunday, December 30, 2012

Keeping Hope Alive

Source: imgfave.com via Mahalia on Pinterest


I just dropped off my application to rent a townhouse in a better part of town.  I am worried.  I don't feel that I am a risk if for no other reason than because I will not allow my children to be homeless.  It is not a big step up from where I am but it is a better place.  I could immediately see myself at home.  I looked at where I would put my plants and hang my pictures.  I have never wanted to hang my pictures here; most of them are in a box.  There is a place nearby that Sofía might take gymnastics lessons and well I'm excited - but worried.  Hope!!  Oh, I hope.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Caution



This is what life looks like to me now; it is beautiful but I cannot see very far ahead.

Friday, December 28, 2012

The 11th Hour



My lease is up in two days.  My apartment is a piece of ... well, it has a roof and I am grateful for that, not $1,650 or $1,750 grateful but I am grateful that I and my children are not out in the cold today.  I found a townhome  online that I would like to rent but the realtor isn't available.  I left her a message through the site. I found her contact information and left a message at the office and then on her cellphone.  I wait.  She is renting two properties that are a possibility but she is not available.

I was thinking that I will go get the property manager and invite her to walk through my apartment so that she can see some of why I cannot sign a lease for another year and yet I am not willing to rent month to month at over $2,000 (this should be a crime) or a shorter term lease for a large increase as well.  CRIMINAL!!

I need to write a letter to the county about their illogical school hours.  They don't work for me.  It will give me some peace just to say it.  I can't imagine that I'm alone in this.

Aaaaah... I think I'll sit and watch Star Wars today.... at least one movie.

Resolve



So here I have some words to think about, to live by and perhaps my first pleasure read of 2013.  I will look up her works.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Some Goals














































I love resolutions.  They make me feel possible.  I am at an end so I can look back find fault with all I've done to that point and then I can shut the door on those things while vowing to do better.  I try to do this each day but the end of the year is bigger.  The things I envision are bigger as well.  This is a good everyday list.  I have yet to write mine for 2013 but I have started to think about them.   

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

2013 ...



In a few short days I will no longer have a place to live if I do not either convince the property manager to stop ripping me off and allow me to live month to month until I find someplace better OR sign another lease.  The idea of signing another lease here hurts me.  I have chosen a trajectory for life and though I have no idea exactly where it will take me one of my first steps is to get away from here.  I must, however, do it in a way that works for me and mine.

Today I have to finish laundry and clean house.  I will then walk over to the rental office and invite the property manager to see my apartment so that she can see that this is not worth it, that things don't get repaired around here, that $1,650 a month for this should be a crime.  It hurts.  I give them money that I should be using to feed my children and put them on the soccer team and pay for piano lessons but instead I pay to live here and look at these walls.  It is a horrible cycle, a trap and so I take a deep breath and collect my strength so that I can try to break it...

An aside:

A man was describing his wife to me.  He said, "She makes well within 6 figures.  She has good credit.  She will be fine." After going on about his discontent he decided during that conversation that he loved her.  I made no suggestions but it seems that people had because he gave me arguments against leaving her.  I wouldn't have suggested it.  I just listened.  Life is complicated.  I heard about their friendship, the changes in their relationship with schooling.  I thought about the price that is always there when you get more.  I wondered about the forbidden fruit in Genesis. He mentioned more than once the little girls he refused to name, "that 5 y 7 year old,"... he will be fine.   He was talking to himself... at one moment he was a father, another he was a husband who wanted credit for a job well done and for time served and that easily gave way to him being a man, talking to a woman who didn't know if her heart could hold all of him in the way it was needed.

Next...


It was lovely but now that Christmas is behind us I am looking forward to snow.  I was awakened this morning to the lovely sound of bits of ice pelting my window.  I didn't dare to hope though since I had already heard the forecast of it turning to rain.  I love snow.  I like to stand in the window, sip hot chocolate and think while sometimes listening to soft music... it is an awesome time to plan life and to people watch.  It is so calming to even listen to the whisper of the snowfall.


Monday, December 24, 2012

Why Me? - My Own Answer



I suspect it might actually be both.  It's different.  I will be honest with you.  My first impression was surprised interest.  My second impression was insult.  You don't know it but you insulted me.  You used my name to joke with your friend.  I didn't appreciate that.  My next impression was pure curiosity.  I would listen to anything you had to say, though my ears be left flaming.  You play with words... I like that.  This combination of responses means that I will never forget anything you say so the stakes are high.

You sit with me.... talking.  What are we waiting for? ..oh, your neck hurts?  Nope!  Not falling for that one.  'whew'   ...later that evening part of me is proud but the tiniest part regrets.... but I worry that if I practice the laying on of hands miracles will happen and I need to use my powers for good.

But outside of the games and the tension there is something deeper.  A shared knowledge that neither of us knows how to use to make the world a better place and we both want to.  I will go first, being the stronger and braver of the two of us.  I'll let you know what's ahead, okay?  We'll do this.  I think that I have the ingredient that will make your recipe work and it is not a magic pill.  It is ... community.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Merry Christmas to Me



I am selfish.  I walked out of my home this morning thinking about others.  It is the season for giving. I parked outside of Barnes & Noble.  Knowing me as I do I should have kept driving but I told myself that a book is what you get the person who doesn't need anything.

Now I should mention that my relationship with bookstores is almost sensual.  I like the feel of books and the  smell of books.  I like to read the titles of books I have no business reading.  I like to browse the "Sex & Sensuality" section, knowing that I can only live vicariously there.  I love the "Self Help" section and the journals with pictures of Paris and Venice and the leather bound ones with the odd type face that gives it such a nice texture.... I like the magazines and the "Humor" section where I try not to laugh like an insane woman...

When I step into a bookstore I have that feeling of being everywhere.  I pick up a book called "Naked" by David Sedaris. I read 1...2 pages ... I check the price which convinces me to put it down.  I bring my intended recipients back to the forefront of my mind and again begin to wander... magazines...games...gifty stuff (Christmas trash) I grab some magazines for the kids... I get a latté and browse a bit more Heaven, I'm in Heaven ...  A naughty board game makes me think of a friend who can turn anything into a conversation about sex.  At his level it really is a talent.  I text him a pic telling him that I don't think anyone could beat him at that game.  I get back a smh?  I smile.  I look at a puzzle game ... it would look nice on a shelf but would it get played?  I wandered and wandered.  I found a couple of things that I would like.   I hope they do I really enjoyed purchasing them.

I picked out no fewer than 10 books that I would buy if I had the means but instead I took pictures of the covers so I can find them online or use coupons to purchase them later.

Christmas


I do this every year.  I tell myself that I won't do Christmas.  I cannot.  And then here it is December 23rd and I need to find two gifts, just two, or three, maybe four.  Where to go?  It is 7am.  I have to decide quickly  I hate crowds.  I hate traffic.  I don't like buying anything just for the sake of buying something so what do I do?  I will shower dress and get out of the house.  Something small but special....hmmmm.  I have no idea.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Strength in Numbers




It takes shape slowly.  It has for years.  It hit me one day in the depths of my grief over a marriage that I wanted to survive more than anything.  I wanted the marriage to survive, that is.  I wasn't until I realized that I, the essence of me, wouldn't survive the marriage that  I let it go.  My children needed me and I was losing her, the weird, fun, wild, free person I was.  I was sad, alone and overwhelmed with the immensity of the responsibility that I had allowed to happen and yet I was in awe of the magic that each one of them brought into my life.  The sense of responsibility was almost painful.  I had to make it about me without it being about me.

In one moment I knew that my most important task was being a mother. I knew that in order to be a good mother I had to be whole and I knew that in order to heal I had to help heal another.  As I watched the 2008  political scene I was inspired.  I wondered how many of us, single mothers, would be willing, able to create a community, a safety net for us?  I wondered if we could have help with dignity?  Maybe you don't have bootstraps or you can't reach them because you have a baby in one arm and a toddler in the other.  Maybe I can reach your boot straps because my children are asleep.  We are so much.  Why can't we combine our talents and resources and be great.

I have carried this vision within me even as I cried not knowing what would happen next.  Even as I expressed gratitude for the blessings and charity that came our way.  As each old dream was unearthed and each new dream emerged I have carried this vision because it is this vision that gives me hope that makes me feel like something more than just a very tired woman who fails every day to do the job of the two people who should be raising our children.  I vow repeatedly not to let them pay for my mistakes but sometimes I wonder if they're just fated to...

At low moments everything seems to be dependent upon my credit score.  Working on cleaning it up, I take two steps forward and three steps back.  I need to move to get the children into a better school district with school hours that better fit my schedule and each other's but I need a miracle to make that happen.  How do I put distance between them and a culture of violence?

An exhausted, upset, worried and even frightened mother is not the best example.  All of those emotions live in each moment.  We try not to show those emotions.  We mask them and move on but when we shut off some emotions others are hidden until we don't feel... at least not like we did.  We try to steel ourselves against fate, against those things which are wrong but which we cannot change.  "It is what it is," we tell ourselves until we seem to posses some faith in life to take care of what we cannot.  ...sometimes when it hits the fan and a child is in trouble we just hurt but the story is too long and too complex to explain.  We are bitter because we always wanted the best for them but "we" alone were not enough.

Getting Started



Still thinking...

  • I may have a tentative name for the business...    
    • I wrote down my vision
  • I am outlining the book ... organizing my thoughts around the purpose is the most difficult part
    • ...perhaps it should be a series of essays.  I can do that.  It seems surmountable.
  • I am drawing up a plan.
                        • Thank you Dr TM

Something About Which to Think

Source: facebook.com via Tracy on Pinterest


I will challenge the idea that you are the creator of truth.  You speak, dancing on the boarders of civility with infinite faith in your voice, your power, your figure and your name.  You leave them dazed, unsure if they have been wounded.  We will spar.  I will make you better.  I will not strengthen the scaffold around you.  I will sharpen YOU.  Never once will I highlight an insecurity because you will never question where you stand with me.  I will make you think.  Can you handle that?

Friday, December 21, 2012

It should not be...

It should not be that a mother can't afford to feed her children AND pay for GOOD childcare.
It should not be that the less I have the more it costs to stay alive.
It should not be that I see possibility but it is not available to me or mine because of my credit score.
It should not be that things that are paid up front are more expensive because of credit.
It should not be that I am not enough.

Single Mother's Vacation



I left work at 4pm and winter break begins.  I breathe deeply and sing loudly all the way home.  For a moment I felt like I was passing out... strange. I opened the windows.  I decided that I will work out again and cut out down my sugar intake.

I have 9 days to find a place to live that is worthy of my children.  I need to reflect on this first part of the school year and restructure some of my lessons.  I need to communicate with some parents.  I need to catch up and work ahead in my online class....  I have laundry and housework and mommy work and a budget.  I need to surround myself with all of my responsibilities and find possibility.  It MUST exist.  I will make it.

I must meditate.  I must recommit myself to being better, to being whole.

An aside:
I chuckle to myself thinking that if I told my crush that I wanted to sleep with him I would be speaking literally.  I would like to snuggle up next to him close my eyes and sleep until I awaken not until someone says "mommy" or my alarm goes off...  He is my crush because he is my opposite.  He is distant and ideal.  When I feel weak or overwhelmed he seems so strong.    When I'm cold he just looks so warm.  When I feel strong he shares his weaknesses.  It fulfills some primal feminine need that I have.  It is ethereal because it must be....

The house is a wreck.  I need to clean.   I will begin now.  Paper paper everywhere but none on which to write.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

It was so nice to finally hear from you...

Source: weheartit.com via Sarah on Pinterest

Fin



I won't even wonder why.  I said something and the humor was lost.  It was wonderful to have someone to talk to and as long as I remember I will feel gratitude.  It was nice.  I will file the smile and whisper and words. I will remember that you said the unthinkable and I smiled because you said it to me.  I was shocked and honored but I listened too.  In one conversation I said to you, "I hope there is another you out there."  By the end of that conversation I was thankful that I didn't meet the you that you were talking about.  I was glad not to hold the other side or one of the other sides to those stories.

I turn away with a smile.  You weren't mine and I knew you wouldn't be.  Someone else will listen and write poetry and read - I hope.  It was a gift but it was perishable and I consumed all that it was.  I say with greedy pleasure.

Perhaps it was that there was only the one opening and I didn't or don't want THAT position.  I had to be that honest with you but not while you were creating such images.

Goodbye my friend.  I wish you good things.  Perhaps this is God saying that I'm not as strong as my words.


Tuesday, December 18, 2012

A Moment



Hello?

Hello?
...

Yeah, guess where I am?  ....Nope.  Guess again.....  No that's not it either.  .....
Listen.... (opens door to phone box so he can hear passers speak)
Did you hear that?
NOW do you know where I am?....  Uh- Uh  .... I'm in ....

I told you that I wanted to run away.  Yeah, I needed a moment.  I needed good Indian food and a moment at the theater and the ability to get a great cup of tea anywhere.

 I needed to move around for a moment more outside than in but still connected.  How are you?  I wish you were here.  The impossibility of you both fills me and deplets me.  You gave me your truth.  I honor it as I must ... but I don't want to.  I am proud of me though - so strong in my resolve.

Remember that day I wore those boots and that skirt with the slits up the sides.  I so looked forward to what you would say but you..., you... missed.  I was disappointed.  I had so much fun putting that on.  It was more me than you've ever seen. ....I dressed "up" one day and people were shocked.  I guess no one really knew I had knees.    You do that every day and I don't look for your flaws.  I see you as perfect because I can.  It costs me nothing.  You looked exceptionally nice that day, if I recall.

What?  (closes the door to the call box again as if that will make it quieter)  Yeah, you too.  (taps on the door of the phone box)  They're calling me.  I've gotta go.  Hugs.  Take care okay?  Bye.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Twin Birthdays


The wine was for me.  I went to Macaroni Grill with the children and the waitress came over and offered me a taste of the house wine.  It was really nice so when she offered me a glass I said, "yes".  When she poured it into what to me is a Cracker Barrel orange juice glass, I was so disappointed.  The food wasn't good either.  I had  a dish I had gotten numerous times and it just lacked flavor.  I almost never salt my food at restaurants but I had to that day.  I gave the rest to my children later that day.  :-(  Disappointed but still nice to spend an afternoon out with the children.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Dear Sir:



Source: ekatetra.com via D Mike on Pinterest

What I would have to say if you were indeed speaking of me...

It would seem that I am over qualified for the position. I am more than you seek. It would have its moments of beauty but it would hurt like hell. I would love you but you know that without me saying so. You can tell how I love but you prepare the ground with honesty. As I keep trying to tell my son, we're wired to love... to have AND to hold.

How I love:
I've never given a damn about flowers unless they are planted. I don't see the love in expensive gifts; a gift, to me, should speak exclusively of our relationship and might even be something one found on the ground. A well timed dandelion will make my week. In my collection I have dried weeds, rocks the shape of hearts, napkins with notes on them and so much more. I crave knowledge and when I find knowledge that excites me I want to share it and that connection is... beyond words.  I also crave what you crave...

I like you but I still don't know where to place you. You're dangerous because you could make me regret, make me consider the moment over the memory and good memories can be painful too. My mother once told me that if you want sex you can't just have it and extinguish the desire you will want more, you will always want more. (She really did :-)

We are alike in some ways that I will never articulate.  When you talk I am looking at you and I am actively keeping myself from saying.  "Yes!!"  "Now!!"  If you are who I hope you are somewhere ages and ages hence we will laugh at today's tension.

I have also looked at your qualifications for my openings and I must say that the job for which you are applying doesn't seem to be the best fit for you, though you do seem to be qualified.  I am afraid that your availability doesn't match with the needs of the opening. One of the issues is that pay would not be commensurate with experience. I have looked over your  experience and education and I do hope that we can reach an understanding. 

What absolute fun you are!  I will even miss trying not to look at you today lest you make me laugh and give away my crush.




Sunday, December 9, 2012

Played



"Never call me at night," I should have said.  "I'll tell you everything you don't want to know.  I am open when I'm tired.  I let my feelings spill out of me, just overflow unchecked," and he had inspired some feelings.  I felt bereft.  I have replayed the words... good words... "bad" words and enjoyed the music of them.  I want to hear the next song....

I was looking for images for the word "play" ... thinking of course of that game of all games.  I can't seem to find the rule book...  I found myself wondering about the uses of that word.... play.... to play a game... winning ...losing... to play an instrument.... to make music... to create... to bring to life the soul's song... to be played ...to be toyed with.  I wrap my mind around all possibilities and steel myself against all possibilities..

Every day I will force myself to forget that we've spoken.  I will throw myself into my work.

When handed his soul I take and put it someplace safe.  I am honored.  When I bare mine I am embarrassed that I felt so comfortable. I imagine it's like being told that you did something unexpected while drunk that you don't remember.  You laugh too, but it is an uncomfortable horrified laugh.

Up at 3 am this morning, I was thinking and doing laundry and washing dishes and thinking and getting ready to cook for the day and writing my paper and doing homework.  I love mornings but still..... thinking. I appreciate the story.  There I sit in the center totally entertained as if I am not the writer but a conscious character awaiting what will befall me next.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

A Real Page Turner







"I'm an open book," he says.  "Ask me anything," he says.  I am beginning to think that that book is the Kama Sutra - no complaints.  He surprises me every time he opens his mouth and takes me to places that I didn't intend to go during business hours.  He leaves me in screaming laughter.

We had a piece of a conversation.  It was complicated and left me with a lot to think about in terms of who I am, who I have decided to be.  What I am at present though is totally inspired.  I feel.

I don't trust easily and just when I start to trust anyone I am always disappointed. I just decide to be kind and walk away because that's safe.   I decided that I would be receptive to him but that I will not reach for him.  I have already failed miserably at my decision not to hope.  I know this because I check my phone too often.  My hopes are simple.  I want to hear his voice.  I want to laugh.  I want to hear him laugh and then I go home and face real life -smiling.

"I read people well." he says.  What do you see? I asked.  No answer....




Friday, December 7, 2012



"Let me tell you something," he whispers.  

Climbing Fences

Source: gwarlingo.com via Ruth on Pinterest


I climbed a fence yesterday.  It wasn't a huge climb but being grown it was such wonderful fun.  I fell asleep thinking about it.  I laughed so hard.  "I climbed a fence today," I thought to myself and when I could contain it no longer I texted my friend.  I climbed a fence today.  It still makes me smile and it made the person driving by smile also. The other teacher I was with yelled out, "Gas is expensive!"

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

To be Undone



How can I go back to being who I was before I knew ... before I spoke...?

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Here & There


I am going to start planning to do nothing on Saturdays but meditate and forgive myself for all that I didn't accomplish during the prior week.  Then, at the end of the day I will create a list for my Sunday and go in with a plan.  I always intend to conquer my world on Saturdays and then suffer from such a deep sense of failure when I don't.  Perhaps if I actually plan to rest and meditate and exercise - non -paper activities I might feel successful.

Last night I worked out.  I will work out every day.  I WILL work out EVERY day!

I find that I am so far removed from my passions that when I take a moment to do what it is that I love to do I feel that I am wasting time.

Yesterday I felt an acute sense of loneliness.  I miss my friends.  I enjoy people but I have few true friends and I miss them.  There are some conversations that I will only have with them and those conversations should be had over wine or coffee and a good meal or a sinful snack NOT the internet.

So, today I focus on the very intense month ahead of me.  I have to find a home for us.  I would like for it to  have a place to plant gardens, flower, herb and vegetable. It has to be a healthy environment and as I sit here I try to clear the clutter and focus on those things.

I will try to live this week in a state of meditation.