Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Thanksgiving




  • I just wanted to take the briefest moment to be thankful.  I just moved and I love it. 
  •  I am thankful for an upstairs and a basement. 
  •  I am thankful for better schools.  
  •  I am thankful for the way the older men stand outside of 7-11 and drink their coffee in the morning and how friendly the cashier (who I think lives there) is. 
  • I am thankful that I now live closer to a park than a McDonalds.  I have been fantasizing about exercise. 
  •  I am thankful that I will be able to plant awesome tomato plants this year (if I can figure out how to avoid the horned tomato worm). 
  •  I am thankful for a front yard that I can decorate. 
  •  I am thankful for the fact the the wait at the local CVS pharmacy was truly only 1/2 hour. 
  •  I am thankful that my car insurance went down - considerably - upon the move. 
  •  I am thankful that though this isn't a purchase I have a better idea of what to look for when I am able to buy a home. 
  •  I am thankful for neighbors who say good morning. 
  •  I am thankful for a balcony on which I can enjoy evening glasses of wine in the summer... and tea parties... and writing.
  • I am thankful for other sleepy, badly dressed parents who walk their children to the bus stop in the early mornings on rainy (& non rainy) days.

I think I can, I think I can...



This is what will be said about me tomorrow.  I stopped at Starbucks on my drive home to get energy to catch up on my grad school work. I stopped at the pharmacy to pick up my help healing from the flu and now - to work!

Monday, January 28, 2013

I further resolve...

I further resolve to speak up.  Again I am sitting in an Emergency Room forgotten.  Oh they listened to my lungs and rushed me back here and just when I thought that no one knew where I was, they came to ask for my insurance card and signature.  They thanked me and left me here to worry about the woman in the next bed.  When she was carted off I was again left to wait except I don't feel like I'm in anyone's list.

My Emergency Room Visit

So I'm sitting he's in the ER struggling to breathe but on the bright side no one is calling mommy and I have a good book with me....  That is the life of a mother.  Once in a while I find peace in the bathroom but they just knock until I answer.  I have homework....

Surrender




Sunday, January 27, 2013

Dear Wonderful Braggart



The wonderful thing about blogging is that I can speak my mind in terms general or specific.  I again write to YOU - my muse.  You don't know that you are my muse.

You are so confident telling me to my face what you/we might have done.  Where was I when we might have done these things?  I know we're playing with fire but I have no intention of getting burnt.  You are, however, my muse.  When I stand near you I have things to say.  I feel .... more, more deeply.  I want....  I like it.  I like to like you.  How do I keep you close?  or should I?

I am more honest in my lies than anyone you know because when I utter them they are true... but...  I walk away and make sure you're looking.  I love it.  What you give me is better for this woman's soul than flowers and poetry...  And when I look back and you're not there, I linger looking at nothing in particular... thinking of what deliciously packed words I can leave for you that will paint a picture that you like to look at...

... to enjoy that moment without futile longing or hope is the most beautiful thing.  To live in that moment and respond to that moment is freedom.

... I am like your words but not your actions.  If I just listen our souls are made from the same substance but if I open my eyes, listen and process ALL of your words we are foreigners.  In some respect that adds to the fun; you intrigue me.  You say things that I am unfamiliar with and you never cease to shock me.  I don't respond not because I'm shy but because I don't know how.  I need to walk away and think about what you've said to decide how to answer.  I see that my response must take into account whether I want to continue the conversation and I do.

I have accepted that our friendship is a moment and so I won't try to tailor it to fit me.  I will just smile and see how deep your mind can go.  In the beginning I believed that I could say to you what I truly think but I cannot.  You don't want that.  This is your game.  You write the rules.  I'm okay with that.  I'll listen and reflect.

Yesteryear



I've taken this walk...  I am trying to inject a little romance back into my life without the baggage of relationships.  I miss travel.

This morning I got up and had tea and remembered.  I sent an email.  I drafted a letter that I have been wanting to write for a week.  I have to get into my study zone and with so much unfinished work around me that is hard to do.  This week my class must take center stage.  I have to catch up and work ahead.  This week must run like clockwork.  It will probably lack romance but it will have focus.

I have to strive for balance though.  It means getting up early to have a cup of tea, to read or watch the news if only for 15 minutes.  It means that I cannot rush through this week and despite the workload, I MUST enjoy this week.

I'm not feeling very inspired but I will write whether inspired or not...  I will write until inspiration comes.  I take a deep breath and get into problem solving mode.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Moving Day



I am moving today and I have nothing packed and no one to help me.  I will throw a lot away.  I will pack the boxes I have and I believe that I can get everything moved except for the sofa.  I don't know how I will get the sofa there.  I am a little bothered by the response to my request for help.  I hate asking for help.  It hurts me to get disappointed responses and then I have to learn to love that person again.

I have to enter my grades this morning and go sign my lease. The grades will take a while

The task ahead of me is immense but I got a Starbucks card for Christmas and I think this is the perfect time to "open" it.  I can only do what I can do but that is pretty amazing.  I just have to try to keep fatigue at bay.
I had wanted to sit down in my new place today and be home.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

If you just listen...



I don't often get to share my opinions.  I study and work and try to find a few seconds to exchange pleasantries with co-workers.  I am lost in my responsibilities, always overwhelmed, always just making it through.  I've learned in the past few weeks how special it is to have someone listen.  I've spoken and now I can sit back and listen again.  I return to my safe place, to what I know, where risk is putting dinner before homework...  I will listen. I think that if do not listen I won't ever have anything worthwhile to say.

After I spoke, I was emptied of so much thought and want and there was nothing more than to savor the emptiness, but for the briefest of moments I had felt more... then I listened and what was a laugh turned into a simple knowing smile.  Ahhhhh, the silly things that give people their power...  power.... perceived power...borrowed power, vicarious power....


Saturday, January 12, 2013

Some Thoughts on Love



"My next love will be Happily Ever After," She whispered with a confident smile, dangling her heel from her toe and staring into the space over her cup of tea as if she were privy to some new information about life and the order of things.



I thought of a conversation earlier about the nature of love.  I really don't think it's for us to know.  I'd like to think that we're all right, that there are stages or phases and that each of us in his or her own way has loved and been loved.  The idea that love takes many forms is comforting.   




To invest years into a love that ends in hurt makes some believe that they have lost years of of their lives on some imitation or have been defrauded in some way.  Do we love for a time and move on?  Is it meant that people be in our lives, in our love lives for a day, a month, a year, a season...  Do we invest our youth and then realize that there is no return on that investment?  Do we age and grow apart?

The Bible defines love saying that...

"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.  ...
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
I Corinthians 13

This love seems beautiful and impossible...kind of like the perfect Christian.  It is something to aim for, a yardstick to measure ourselves by.  But if we remain human and honest we may only love like that for moments.

The philosophers break "love" down into categories...
"Classical Greek accounts of the nature of love include many kinds of disparate states under the heading ‘love’. In The Meaning of Things, A.C. Grayling reminds us of the range: agape – an altruistic form; ludus – a playful affection; pragma – emphasising a long established commitment and understanding; storge – a loyal attachment among siblings and comrades, and mania – featuring obsession, and often associated with sexual passion."
http://philosophynow.org/issues/81/What_Is_Love
Colin Brookes, Woodhouse Eaves, Leicestershire

Think about it.  How have you changed over the years after each disappointment? ... after each fizzled relationship?  When boredom strikes what do you do?  Have you aged like wine?  or cheese? I love from somewhere deep with a desperation that could consume both lover and loved.  I didn't always.  Does love change when you feel mortal as time will ensure that you do?  There can't be one definition for love because there is not one person.  Love doesn't exist independent of of the beings that love, so we cannot therefore define it. Each contributor adds something to it that is distinctly them.

It is therefore important to be logical about love to the extent that one can.  It is as we define it.  We get what we settle for.  We are taught early what to expect and it is not usually an explicit lesson.  We look for what we know.   Have the people that you might love define love to you. See what they think.  Find out if love lasts forever to them.  

I love life.  I love my children.  I love my family.  I love God.  The rest is uncertain.  The thing is at no point are any of these people or entities going to reject my love but there is that attraction which we call love that spoils, that is, too often, no longer good over time and then what...?  

Is it that people grow apart?  One cannot just be a lover or friend to their mate; they must continue to grow as human beings.  They pursue different interests that lead them to different associates and little by little they move out of the world they once shared.  If this is what happens it can be prevented with a little effort... to stay in that world, to share the inevitable evolution.

I think the tragedy, though, is that people don't "fall" out of love at the same time.  People are not ready to realize their alternate futures at the same time.  Extended time with another affects one's sense of self; one has, after all, redefined family.  Who am I without him/her? Who am I without all that is good about the other.  Their successes were mine. But maybe, stepping away from the familiar is always painful even if both parties feel they are ready.    


I once heard a famous female comedienne being interviewed and when asked about her recent divorce in terms of a failure she responded (I paraphrase).  "I don't know. We were married for 38 years.  Is that a failure?"  Is it possible that we should embrace change?  What if the problem is the fairy tale that we've all been sold?








So the question was, "Do [I] think that love can last but just change [forms] over time or that people can just fall out of love, that they can awaken one morning and say 'I've fallen out of love with you?'"

My answer is that the answer exists in each situation and it has the spin that the survivor gives it.  In those times you learn the true love of friendship.  I think in life in general we decide much of how things will go.  Don't accept another's definitions.  Love the way you think love should be and if the other doesn't define it that way, well, look for someone who does.

I don't have any advice about love but to do it.  

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

On Tomorrow

Source: flickr.com via Mary on Pinterest



Here I sit walking toward that threshold, toward the rest of my life and for a moment I thought I had a friend to take along.  In a moment I learned a lot from him.  I wanted to model a character off of him - to recreate him. I loved every way in which he wasn't like me; but, I got the acute sense that I, the essence of me, wasn't appreciated.  Yeah, "Keep it going."  

...It's still me.  I'm still here.  I still dream.  I'm glad I've been misunderstood before because it was familiar.  I was disappointed.  Why can't I have a strong, beautiful, male friend who can laugh at a good grammar joke and who knows and accepts... better yet APPRECIATES the complexities of a woman?  Who doesn't label her but can see a conversation with her as a field trip to places he's never been?  I don't imagine I'll ever know.  If one more man tells me that I think too much, i'll scream!

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Focus



     We learn from the most unlikely sources.  We learn by being open.  At what point do we decide that another human being has nothing to teach us?   Can we?  We can learn from their successes and failures as well as our own.  Not only can I always be better, I can always learn from someone else.

     I will remain open.  I will learn.  I will grow.

     Staying focused....

Saturday, January 5, 2013

On Today


Inhale - Gratitude
I am thankful for a day full of intrigue and laughter, for time and for the sensation of being alive.  

Exhale - Lust
It was nice to feel alive to feel desirable but I must not lose sight of my vision.   let it go






A wise man recently spoke to me about the power of a second.   In a second he said the words I needed to hear to pull back and close just a bit.



I am looking around inside the castle that is me... searching for some place for it, my latest find.  I so want to keep it.  I hold it up to the light, it's so beautiful but I don't know which side is up or why I feel that this, my latest acquisition, is the key to something.  I can't put my finger on it.  It matches nothing I have but maybe it matches the project I'm working on, the newer me.   Maybe one day I'll figure out what it does but for now I should leave it alone; it has some sharp edges and I don't want to be hurt.   I proudly place it on the nearest shelf trying different positions before I walk away.  I look back.  Who would leave something so beautiful just lying around?  They must've dropped it by accident.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Let the Games Begin


I'm up on this lovely day and my to do list is taking over any lingering celebratory feelings I might have experienced.  I brought in the New Year cleaning and doing laundry - while watching Star Wars.  I may or may not have actually been awake at midnight.  I laid down while the clothes washed and then ...  

Today I refocus on being a teacher and a student; I never stop being a mom.  There is so much to do that must be met with focus.  When my roles bleed into each other, my work is not its best.  I really must focus this year on scheduling and setting aside time to do, thoroughly, each of the things that I must do.