Wednesday, February 27, 2013


Well, my spirit hasn't been crushed just trodden upon by carelessness.  This did make me feel better though.

Too Little Sleep??

This isn't exactly a philosophy that I subscribe to but I see the wisdom here.  I was so disappointed today, and insulted and I realized that I was right a bit ago when I said that I have to cut my losses because I have allowed someone to speak to me in a way that I would never allow and have never allowed and it is mean and crude and today I just felt the height of insult.  There was just nothing more to say.  I simply saw the end of it and at the end of it I wasn't happy it ever was;  I was just disappointed in me.  Every compliment couched in an insult, every insult delivered with a smile.  And it would seem every bit of blatant honesty wrapped in an equal falsehood. I wanted to be sure I give thanks for the kindness that was no matter how it was presented.  I did.  I came out for a minute and it was fun but it is much safer in my shell.

Monday, February 25, 2013


I think I am supposed to get dizzy and confused only I seem to like this particular apparatus   You push me away and I come back faster the harder you push.  It is the swing.  As I drove home I thought of the fact that  I ignore my inner voice and instead indulge my curiosity time and again.  I should know better.  There is something though... distance and then apology and more distance and then contact that always surprises me and makes me laugh.  I walk away S'ing MH always S'ing MH.

It's not a steady push though.  It's kind of like he has 4 swings going at the same time and he pushes and runs to push someone else and misses a few swings and comes back and pushes a couple of times and goes.  When he comes back and is asked how he is he's tired - yeah, no sh...kidding!

And as I sat down with the intention of writing down this particular thought I did a search and  found this image and thought of how those moments of contact are a little bit like this for me.

So as I searched I found so many images that I could use to talk about this subject, like this one.

This one is relevant because there are so many on the same ride and my gut tells me that there are so many on the same ride. I call it hope and though I don't know exactly how I got on it; as I'm looking around I'm terrified (I really am terrified of the swings).

I do have a couple of questions though.  Why do people tell you they are going to call you back when they needn't call nor say that they will?  "I'll call you later," they say.  I want to say either "Don't" or a sarcastic, "I'll be waiting." but instead I just say "okay."  Why keep running back to this swing when you clearly have plenty of swings to push.  I don't pull you.  I am not calling out, "push me, push me"  ...but every time I feel that familiar hand on my back I smile.

He said he reads people well.  What does he see when he looks at me.  It must be a blessing and a curse, a gift like that because when he reaches for me I feel like he can see my vulnerability and it is both what makes him reach and holds him back.  I am ashamed of it.  Do I look lonely?  Is there longing in my eyes when I look at him?  But then he says things like he said the other night and I think for a moment that we needn't even remember that we've ever met but I learn that there are things that I will not say to him.  No, we're safe because we are the same and we will not create the situation in which to do more.  He will never allow me to truly trust him and so I will sit here and allow him to push and occasionally catch me.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

A Vacation...

...because this is what Sunday afternoons should look like.

It's Sunday afternoon. This morning I watched Tyler Perry's Good Deeds and cried.  As I watch these things I am amazed that they can be reproduced but I don't understand how we allow these things to continue when we see the problem.

Here the movie lays out what is familiar to so many but then there is the unrealistic knight in shining armor to save her and leave the others to continue in the struggle.

Friday, February 22, 2013

21 February, 2013

Ok, it was not quite like this but it was still nice...

A Master Plan

So in order to continue my online studies I have to pay to retake the class I just failed.  I hate the F word.  I really had to let go of the class to be a mom.  We have all been so sick.  What that means is that I have to come up with $2,500 to pay to retake the class. And I will do it too.  I don't know how but I know that I must.   I take a deep breath and start just surviving and start to think in a more fluid way again.  I speak Spanish perhaps I can give lessons over the summer or teach at a local daycare or get an evening/weekend job (oh God, please don't make me do that).  I must do something.  At the center must be balance though.  I have to eat right and exercise and just really focus on a more focused life.  If I am going to come up with that amount of money I am really going to have to get organized and live a set schedule.  I am going to have to write out food and sleep and I really haven't lived like that because I always over-schedule and just collapse exhausted.  I will work on order this week.  I will miss my little cloud of chaos for a while.  I won't get to just live, laugh and see where life takes me.

I don't know if this is true but I think from order comes prescribed outcomes and in chaos lives possibility.  So for me to know that I must embrace order for a moment is a bit sad but I need the outcome that will follow before I can dream again.  My life is two track, plans and hopes.  Sadly, the two are not as closely related as I would like right now.

The Secret to his Magic

I am promised a lunch and good conversation... I would like for the place to be dimly lit with comfortable seating and no clocks.  I will need time to get the nerve up to ask all of my questions and more to answer the questions that are sure to be prompted by those.  

... I was thinking about his magic today.  I think it is that to him human relations is a job that you don't mess up.  He doesn't seem to believe in burning bridges... and so despite my lack of faith in humanity he makes me feel like he might almost give a damn about me and that's strange and wonderful.  Now, I listened to him and heard everything that he ever said to me so I know better but I must learn his art because it is magic.

I think the secret to being able to make others feel special without attachment or complications is knowing that you are already that special to someone else in a sense they are just words, except for when they are not.  But they seem to me dangerous as I dare not reach for them. They are like a drop of sweet water in the desert... simply not enough to do anything but emphasize the pain.   In some purely therapeutic way I think that he might save me from my occasional bouts with debilitating shyness but so far I sit back behind hooded eyes watching him and thinking I will not expose myself... today...and smiling.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Now just to get this to happen....

To work...and work... and work...

So this is the part where I stop worrying about failure and I create success.  Today is going to be full.  I have already been distracted by the thought of a "study treat" and the fact that we have no milk to put into my tea. I have to get dressed, I took a shower last night and went to sleep in my robe I was so tired.

The children need to go downstairs for the day so that I can work.  No more blogging until I finish... Here goes...!

Sunday, February 17, 2013

I need some quiet....and a hug...and...

Past worry I'm stuck in a hospital room with a tired toddler who is demanding to go home.  "Me want to go home now!" He says over and over again.  I bought food and threw it away -yuck!  The tea was pretty good.  The only coffee was dark roast...I still drank it, just added sugar that I don't usually need to add.  He had a shot and keeps screaming that he wants his arm back to normal.  He needs sleep. 

Saturday, February 16, 2013


I'm sitting in the emergency room for the second time in three days and I'm having panic attacks because they don't have insurance.  An asthma score of 6 ....not sure what that means... His fever was so high and is so persistent ..he is taking a 1 hour breathing treatment.  I don't understand why asthma is treated differently in different places.    We are at Children's and you just feel like they know what they're doing.   I want to say Laurel Regional...treated it the same ...with what I call the super neb ... 
So they're sending the social worker over to help me get insurance.  I take a deep breath and try not to get into my feelings.  I am thinking...I cannot afford to pay for health insurance and rent and food and gas... It's so complicated... They have so many needs.  One needs to join some activity Well they all do...

I'm trying.  How do you explain this without judgement or pity?  I have my work cut out for me.

Conversations with my little one

"You know God can make that new?"  he said referring to the "holes" in the floor. They're really decorative dots."God lives inside the wall." 


Little one is enjoying seeing all of the babies.  He asked for one for Christmas a couple of weeks ago.  "A real one that says Dada."  A few minutes late he asked for a dog too.

Where do I find these people?

Where do I find these people?  I see people everyday who have a touch of this spirit, this magic but almost no one lives it and it truly an inspiration.   I could use an inspiration right now.  I would go sit with them until it caught and then I would go spread it.  I am inspired but I am too busy surviving to inspire and that is a travesty.  I am working toward it though, I am working and almost every day I am reminded of why my vision is so important.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Valentine's Day - 2013

I tried hard to stay true to our family tradition of having a family dinner out just me and my 7 valentines -  and we did.  We left the restaurant for the emergency room though.  My littlest was having asthma and started to nod off suddenly and his face didn't look the right color.  I had given him a breathing treatment before we left but his look and behavior really frightened me.  I didn't want to go to the ER.  They don't have health insurance right now and I am going to be paying in tiny payments until it is paid off.  The doctor wrote two prescriptions and I learned today that prescription prices vary.  CVS quoted me a price of $79 dollars for the generic of the antibiotic Zithromax and just over $14 for the prednosolone (sp?).  I called Wal-Mart and they quoted me a price of $39 - still too pricey.  I think he has a virus so I am holding the prescription to see how he fares in the next day or so.  So right now I need to clean my room and prepare to lock myself in to study tomorrow.  Today I just need to get the baby comfortable and be a mom.

He's still struggling to breathe.  I don't think we'll have to go to the ER for a second night in a row but there is some chance of that.  I am worried.  I am watching him.

...on a different note I got the sweetest voice mail earlier and it made me smile for hours.  It's funny how the tiniest things can just make you lighter, melt the fatigue away.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

I hate Valentine's Day

I hate Valentine's Day.  Today I had to fulfill the social obligation of buying candy and treats for my children to take to school.  I have seven children.  I purchased more candy today than I normally purchase in a year - and they complained.  I don't get it.  ...I don't get it.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013


...must... write... something... so tired ....  When all else fails I write about what I have to do and I am trying to settle into my night and some work right now.  I have failed every night for weeks giving in to sleep instead because I know that facing a class of 30 students on no sleep will send life into a tailspin.    Tonight, however, I am taking a deep breath and trying to push through.
Source: via Kim on Pinterest

Yes!!  I will be determined.  I will be successful.  I will be caught up with my work so that I can enjoy a movie again one day or a moment to sit and stare without the weight of what I should be doing sitting on my shoulders.

Right now my children are cooking dinner and that frees me to take a moment to relax into my work.  I need to organize myself but that is no small job right now so I have to try to focus away from the clutter instead right now.


I'm going to go into work early and see if I can get something done there.  I am coming in the house and just collapsing these days.  I am so tired.  I need to get away from the children for a bit.  Being always with children is getting to me.  I am mean these days and I know it.  They are such mean people.  I have my mean group of students today so I really have to plan an intense lesson for them because if not they just spend all of their time being mean.  I have to make sure that it counts.  I have to get to work NOW!  ... so help me God.

Sunday, February 10, 2013


Source: via Michael on Pinterest

I would like for them to say this of me.  I am not there yet.  I like most of my life on most days because it does have purpose.  But I know that I am not yet living my true purpose and I wait for a moment to embrace it.  I scribble and plan and dream and design...  I will live that purpose.

Friday, February 8, 2013

...going to sleep.  Tomorrow is a big day.  I have so much make up work to do for class.  I have been so extremely tired from this cold/flu thing.  Today it hurts to even raise my voice.  I am going to take some vitamin C, get some sleep and hope for the best.

Demanding R-E-S-P-E-C-T

If it is true that people only treat you the way you allow then I have failed miserably and need to sweep that last "friendship" under the rug and walk away like it never happened because I made no attempt to filter what came out of his mouth toward me.   I was curious but at some point I began to feel disrespected and I don't think he even knew or cared.  I don't tend to think that people accidentally say hurtful things but rather that they don't think you clever enough to catch the insult.  And there is some pleasure in it for them to hurt without reproach.

Lately I have regretted letting down my guard.  I don't let him know but I carried those words home with me and laid in bed and thought about them and woke up thinking about them and little by little I lost the desire to hear more words from him.  I accept that it's my fault.  I was trying to eek out a friendship but I am more convinced than ever that what I consider friendship is beyond us.  That is, not for us.   I will always be able to read here and remember that he once made me laugh and write again and hope and dream and believe.... wait, maybe he gave me much, much more than he took.

I will just be and if he reaches out to me I will sit and lend him an ear.  I will include him in my prayers as he so kindly put me into his. ... I just don't like that our communication will never be two way.  I would make him feel human.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

To Men - Part 1 Meetings

Source: via Amanda on Pinterest

My muse is beautiful.  He knows it.  Women won't let him get through a day without seeking approval in his eyes.  He gives it and head swollen from the attention he opens his mouth and speaks "man" at them.  Man: a language that is only appreciated by women in love with the speaker or with the desire to be in love - with someone.  It is cute in its brute simplicity and sensual tones. It works on the senses not the mind.  What works in his favor is that most women want to be in love or to feel that someone is in love with them. If it stops there it is a match made in heaven.  A 30 second relationship that leaves one better off.

If, however, one dares attempt to venture into real communication, the woman will feel misunderstood and totally unappreciated because starting at second 31 he should have been able to see beyond his imaginings and have some idea of what makes her special.  She should hear of her greatness and not just what he can do with what he sees, no?

The thing is, she is not likely even to know what it is that makes her special to him.  Perhaps it is that she looks like she can actually get into the positions of his dreams.    When the smile is passing she thinks he can somehow see her intellect and he imagines that the superficial is good enough for her. When she can no longer avoid this fact his attention is a bit of a jab every time but she doesn't really want to do without it.  It would kind of be like a breakup of an imaginary relationship. She is not surprised that his attentions don't go beyond the superficial, just a bit ashamed as she sought the attention.  That is after all how men are wired.  Is there a her for whom the superficial is enough?  I have certainly never been that woman.  As a matter of fact, even if I don't want a lifetime with a man I want him to make me believe that he wants a lifetime with me and the fact that this seldom happens keeps me chaste.  It is one of my requirements.  Worship me.  There.  I've said it.  I want to be worshiped.  I mean, so does he, right? but it is not ladylike to go first and so I wait to be worshiped.

My muse takes me beyond my boundaries - we venture into [-] mans land which is a place I have always wanted to know more about.  I like that.  When I think I've gone totally wild (verbally), he says, "What? That's all?"  and I don't know what to do but laugh. I've decided that I should teach him a little about the complexities of woman, about the fact that a woman has some say in what makes her happy and that no matter what your boys told you or you seem to have perceived over time you don't know it all and you really have to personalize your treatment of your woman to her and what makes her feel first respected and then loved...  You have to admit and accept that no matter what your intent you might have disrespected her if only by loving selfishly, in doing what you thought was loving and she will accept that and she will start to accept that sometimes you love in your language and don't quite get hers.  It won't ever matter what the others say or that they would have accepted those things graciously.  They don't matter.  They are not the one you had to work for - keep working.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013


Why don't they last? Mine now offers nothing more than a "pretty" face.  A meaningless whisper and the occasional insult that he finds funny. For a moment he had me writing, seeking the secrets of men and of the universe.  He offered the forbidden and though I knew I didn't dare bite, I relished the thought. 

Sunday, February 3, 2013

I am wearing earphones as I study to block out the conversations that distract me.  I am listening to Bruno Marz... it is so hard not to break into loud singing.  I must look crazy trying not to sing. :-)

Panera - Super Bowl Sunday

It's Superbowl Sunday and a I walk into Panera to happy morning talk of football.  They compare football wear.  A Giants fan says to much laughter that he's not giving up there's still hope. Two women sit talking about Ray Rice and one says to the other that he is a good enough player but she doesn't see what is so special about him.  She says that there is video of him doing steroids.  She says, "Look what happened to Armstrong.  He deserved that.  I am tired of them claiming that everyone is doing it."  I advance in line and pass their conversation.

I just need a place to study.  These places always fascinate me though.  You see so much of people...intimate conversations, family get- togethers, a mentally ill woman with two hats who can't decide which one she wants to wear.  She just keep changing and changing and seems well to do and well taken care of.  She is absolutely fascinating.  When I first arrived she was just sitting staring out of the window.  She seemed a bit elderly to be wearing earphones- if I do say so but she has them on along with her sunglasses.  Perhaps the family is shopping nearby.  I'm waiting for the computer to log onto my online class. 

Saturday, February 2, 2013

The Barbershop

Men, their sons and the football game...I am the only woman...the only female for that matter.  I felt immediately out of place...but aware of something beautiful and new to me.  I saw the barbershop walking distance from my new place this morning and decided to walk up here with my 7 year old who needed a haircut.  I really like the new neighborhood.  Little one is getting his mohawk back.