Friday, February 22, 2013

A Master Plan

So in order to continue my online studies I have to pay to retake the class I just failed.  I hate the F word.  I really had to let go of the class to be a mom.  We have all been so sick.  What that means is that I have to come up with $2,500 to pay to retake the class. And I will do it too.  I don't know how but I know that I must.   I take a deep breath and start just surviving and start to think in a more fluid way again.  I speak Spanish perhaps I can give lessons over the summer or teach at a local daycare or get an evening/weekend job (oh God, please don't make me do that).  I must do something.  At the center must be balance though.  I have to eat right and exercise and just really focus on a more focused life.  If I am going to come up with that amount of money I am really going to have to get organized and live a set schedule.  I am going to have to write out food and sleep and I really haven't lived like that because I always over-schedule and just collapse exhausted.  I will work on order this week.  I will miss my little cloud of chaos for a while.  I won't get to just live, laugh and see where life takes me.

I don't know if this is true but I think from order comes prescribed outcomes and in chaos lives possibility.  So for me to know that I must embrace order for a moment is a bit sad but I need the outcome that will follow before I can dream again.  My life is two track, plans and hopes.  Sadly, the two are not as closely related as I would like right now.

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