So in order to continue my online studies I have to pay to retake the class I just failed. I hate the F word. I really had to let go of the class to be a mom. We have all been so sick. What that means is that I have to come up with $2,500 to pay to retake the class. And I will do it too. I don't know how but I know that I must. I take a deep breath and start just surviving and start to think in a more fluid way again. I speak Spanish perhaps I can give lessons over the summer or teach at a local daycare or get an evening/weekend job (oh God, please don't make me do that). I must do something. At the center must be balance though. I have to eat right and exercise and just really focus on a more focused life. If I am going to come up with that amount of money I am really going to have to get organized and live a set schedule. I am going to have to write out food and sleep and I really haven't lived like that because I always over-schedule and just collapse exhausted. I will work on order this week. I will miss my little cloud of chaos for a while. I won't get to just live, laugh and see where life takes me.
I don't know if this is true but I think from order comes prescribed outcomes and in chaos lives possibility. So for me to know that I must embrace order for a moment is a bit sad but I need the outcome that will follow before I can dream again. My life is two track, plans and hopes. Sadly, the two are not as closely related as I would like right now.