Friday, March 29, 2013

Barnes & Noble

I want to go sit in Barnes & Noble and read my kindle.  Specifically, I want to go sit in the Starbucks at Barnes & Noble and read my kindle.  It might be frowned upon.

I usually go in there and pick out books and then buy them on amazon.  I like the store but I don't have money to just donate.  I save so much money shopping Amazon.  I do always hope I find something that is a good deal when I am in the store.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

ahhhhh

... a glass of wine, The Colbert Report and a good nights sleep 'sigh'

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

God grant me...

Today I'm just hanging on...things seem pointless.  The children are bickering.  I am frustrated.  We are all frustrated.



I am struggling to figure out AGAIN how we will make it and I see a chasm ahead of me and I don't know how to get beyond it.  I am thinking and accepting. It is about to get really difficult and I am never sure that I'm up for it.  For the greater part of about 7 years now I have felt pretty empty and yet I still need to give. I have felt myself coming alive again in the past 3 years, slowly. Where is it coming from and how can I  invest it so that it pays off for the people I love the most AND the rest of us, the mommies.  I write the question but I know the answer now to just do it.  I have just a few hours left in this day to make it count.  What can I do today that will be a proper investment in tomorrow?  An investment that I know will pay off.

I still need to get away to rediscover my magic.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

... I'm Ready


Source: oprah.com via Liz on Pinterest

    This is something I should read daily because I really have to commit myself to be being daring. The other day I felt so totally overwhelmed.  The strife in my home is really getting to me.  I have loved being a mother until they all got to an age where they can bicker constantly.  It really gets to me.  I feel like all of life is a struggle and sometimes I want to rest. It is during these times that I realize that I must be more than a mother.  I must have an escape if only for a moment.  Often my escape is this, just writing something.
     But inside... inside I am so much more.  There is so much that goes unsaid.  There are dreams and plans and so much hope.  That me is fabulous.  This me needs a nap.  As I close my eyes though, I remember these words and as I open my eyes I will think on them so that I can dare to be.

Wonder

I have two children who I say were born religious.  That is probably not the best way to put it.  I should say in touch.  I don't take them to church often.  Life is full of drama but church drama is my least favorite drama.  It is wrong on so many levels...


So my 3 year-old son walks into the living room where I am folding laundry and says, "God's son is my best friend."  Now, I don't know where he get's this because he also often refers to God's brother.  I smile at him and say, "Wow, talk about friends in high places."  He thinks for a moment and says to me, "Is God human?" I say, "No, he's God."  After another moment of silence he askes me what God looks like.  I tell him that I don't know and he says that no one has seen God.  He then says, "Me tink he look like this." He raises one eyebrow seriously and then says, "But me don't know." When him tum (come) me going look at him face.  ... Can we go to his house?  I think for a moment and say, "eventually."  Recognizing my answer as a 'yes' he fist pumps and says "yesssss".  I then say, "But how about he come to our house."  This works wonderfully, he is so excited.  I then add, "but we are going to have to keep the house clean."  He runs off and tells his sister to clean the whole house.  He even asks to clean my room.  He then asks if God can come to his birthday party.  He is so excited right now. 

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

can't depend on anyone... not even for the necessary... there is no peace, no harmony...

Monday, March 18, 2013

Time OUT

Source: etsy.com via Jenny on Pinterest


... I was replaying the advice of a friend in my head today when I took a moment to look at how far we've come as a family and I realized that we've gotten through the first phase and though the struggles continue it is time to take a moment to start living.  Sometimes we get into the habit if giving up today with the hope of a better tomorrow but Spring is just around the corner and it is time to make memories.  It is time to laugh and attend birthday parties and go to the park and make big plans.  It is time to come out of my shell so that my children know how to come out of theirs.  So, I'm taking a moment.  I'm hanging a calendar and I'm making plans.  I'll stop writing for a moment and start living.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Sweetness

I have been really worried about my adolescent son.  The other day I felt so helpless and my words were again falling on deaf ears.  I cried.  When my 3 year old saw me he slowly put his finger in the tear that was running down my cheek.  Then he grabbed my head and kissed my face again and again saying, "Don't cry ever umgin!"

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Note to Self

Harmony



I fight every day for balance.  Being the mother of 7 and teacher of about 150 leaves one empty but lately I realize that I need to create harmony. I spend so much of my time saying things that no one wants to hear and I'm tired of speaking.  I am not doing it very well these days.  I know the theory but without balance I set a ball in motion that I cannot stop and then it rolls over me and the days are full of angst and frustration both for my children and for me.  I need to slow down and soak in each moment and enjoy it again.  When we stayed home from school last Wednesday I cooked all day.  It is how I dealt with my frustration.  Today I did the same and I feel too full and surrounded by chaos.  In an attempt to avoid the bickering I turned on the TV and lost the day.  I can't even tell you what I watched after Oprah - that was interesting and I want to read that man's book. The kids weren't quiet enough to let me hear his name but he is from Mexico...-

This morning I got up, made a cup of tea and tried to put on an exercise DVD when I couldn't get it to work I just did some other exercises and then one by one they came down with their requests.  No one said, "Good Morning, Mom."  I then started with my "No" over and over again, and every time I said no I could feel the anger rise within me.  No one had cleaned the kitchen last night so again it was up to me to clean it in the morning.  I don't have the patience to listen as they bicker over whose turn it is or what agreement they came to.  I am AGAIN going to write out their chores and I am going to retire my voice for awhile.  I am wasting energy.

I know that it begins with me and I must commit myself to creating my own harmony.  I must exhibit the patience I exhibit in my classroom with my own children.  Sometimes they need to be shown the way.

...but maybe that's it.  That's what we're lacking.  When who we thought/hoped we had found the final piece to our puzzle... when he walks out, we can no longer find harmony with what remains.  I know that I need to love others but deep, deep inside a small voice cries out, "but who is going to love me." and we shush her because we are ashamed of her existence.  She is the one who got us into this - "Hope."  If we can just stop hoping then we will be happy or content... maybe?  But I have always hoped and I know no other way...

I am going to close my mouth and work on me for awhile.  All of these words that I am stringing together are worthless and I must take some time to find some worth saying.   I saw a quote today that read, "You are a living magnet.  What you attract into your life is in harmony with your dominant thoughts." (Brian Tracy)  I thought of who I met most recently and was horrified.  I really have some thinking to do.


Friday, March 8, 2013

Get Up, Stand Up

Source: rstyle.me via Liz on Pinterest


"No one gives a f*ck about you or your children.  There is no loyalty there."

For a moment it took my breath away to hear these words, but I needed them.  I needed them to remember my voice and my goals and my life and my children and my dreams.  I am loyal to those who I feel are loyal to me and try to be kind to the rest but if life is about growth...?.  My children will never have what they deserve if I do not take chances and I have not been taking chances.

As a mother it is so hard to take chances because the cost of failure affects not only you but your children.  I feel enslaved by that fact and little by little I begin to make changes and to live again, to dare to live.  

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Building


I hadn't really thought of this.  My new goal is to develop habits, good habits.  I am not a creature of habit really.  I adore the new, it is the only adventure I have these days.  Getting lost (with my possessed GPS)  seeing where making a left will take me.  I need to build the new and that I begin today.  I need to develop the following habits.

1. Exercise - not random :-) My exercise tends to be rather random.
2. Carry lunch - I spend to much on fast food and am not eating a healthy diet.
3. Be kind - I stay on my children to be kind but I am not a good example of kindness when I get home.  I usually just want to get them fed and get to my work or sleep.
4. ... but not least, I need to make sure to strengthen my skills daily.

Need I Say More?

Source: zulily.com via Liz on Pinterest



Monday, March 4, 2013

Area for Growth



I envy those people who can willfully make fools of themselves.  It is one of my greatest fears and so when I look foolish it is involuntary.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Grateful




Today I feel so deeply grateful for all that I have and for my journey.  I keep being gifted with these moments where someone is more kind than they have to be and I am reminded of my own responsibility to do the same.


I saw an image of myself the other day and hated it.  I am not getting any younger but as I look at this image I see what beauty is and I hope that I laugh enough to stay beautiful and live with enough purpose that I have balance.  It is amazing how much beauty lives in just a smile.   For just a moment I gave that away again but took it back and ran and by "that" I mean my self worth.  Careless words touched me and I looked in the mirror and wondered what he saw.  It was the smack in the face that I needed never to look for approval in his eyes or his voice again.

If everything happens for a reason then perhaps I met him so that I would be able to see how much I've grown over the past decade and how much I've healed.  I remember being called strong and it was such a stupid word to me because I didn't want to have to be strong.  I would much rather have simply been loved. I have again fallen for me and for the first time in a long time careless words make me look askance at the speaker and not feel stupid for ever thinking more of myself.

Now, just to teach my daughters.  God help me!

P.S. My children said, "Mom, people will think that's you."  They sounded concerned.  I asked them what they saw when they looked at her and then I told them why I find this image to be so beautiful.

Friday, March 1, 2013

'Duh



So, there I was affronted, offended,  I mean, how DARE he speak to me like that!  So I wrote him off.  It's too bad really ... but then I was sitting casually talking to my son saying that I had complimented the man and his response was really bad. When I told my son what I called him, he said, "Of course his response was really bad.  Do you know what that means?"  ... I didn't know.  I thought I had half given him a sweet nickname and here I was offending him.  That's the beauty about life.  You never stop learning.  We shouldn't have been talking anyway but I will miss him.  He filled a little part of my day with something I've needed for so long.  I don't understand that dance though... so I'll just refocus on the things I know.