Thursday, May 30, 2013

More Encouragement


Source: Uploaded by user via :/ on Pinterest

I recently gave my web address to an old friend and was bothered by the fact that he went silent... not surprised, just bothered.  I realize that we have trouble with reality and that pity gets all mixed in with emotions that we did not choose to feel.  I don't want pity - ever... and I don't deserve it.  I give much and I am very blessed but still I know that I could give more it just wouldn't be without cost more cost.  I find myself exhausted or rather I find my self exhausted.  I try to protect the self whenever I can so that I have something left to give tomorrow.  I know that my plight is rather common but who has the time to cry out.  Sometimes it hurts.  Sometimes we all hurt.  We all have our struggle and our cross to bear.  I just think that when our hurts affect so many we should work together to change things.  Women and single moms really need to unite and form think tank on how we can solve our problems and the challenges our children face.  Let's face it, the lawmakers can't do it without us.  We need to start a real dialogue about education and healthcare and cultural exposure so that we can find a way to be the best parents.  Being sole provider often doesn't leave one with the strength to do much more and it's simply not enough to be revered once your children are grown.  We need a sisterhood.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Today's advice from a friend.... FAITH

1.  Keep taking care of His children.
2.  Do for others
3.  Tell him exactly what you want.
4.  Watch and see what He does.

(some small revisions made:-)

Thanks CB

My chives have sprouted!

Sent from Yahoo! Mail on Android

My first lettuce sprout!

Sent from Yahoo! Mail on Android


Today they came by and took pictures.  I called the rental property and left a message. I just got their email yesterday.  I haven't yet complied with their demands and since I have to pay rent soon it will probably be a couple of weeks before I do.

Here you have a middle man who offers the owner the option to make money without the responsibility of being a landlord and no matter how wrong it is he/she is absolved of all guilt at the unfairness of the proposition and they both make money.  

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

A Lesson

Source: via Jodi on Pinterest

Today I learned a lesson.  It was a disappointing lesson and I need to get my head on straight to tackle it.  I am Contacting Legal Aid, the Better Business Bureau and the whoever handles landlord/tenant affairs for my state.  What ever happened to good business?

Two pictures come to mind, a tired boxer pulling on their gloves ... yet again and an exhausted soldier pulling on worn battle weary boots.  I am that person.  Life is a fight and I need to get my head right to fight it.  I cannot fight it in the garden.  I will have to write.  I'm too tired even to write the incident.  I will post the email that has upset me so.  It looks like we will have to move again.

I signed a lease with a property managing company that is an only for profit business.  I pay $1,675 a month in rent and it does not seem to cover ANY maintenance.  I am told that I am responsible for that.   They told me that if they send someone out to fix something, the bill will be sent directly to me.  I pay rent.  I will not invest in a property that I do not own and they want it back better than they rented it to me, adding a note about a hole in the door that they failed to notice earlier.  The door which, incidentally, doesn't even close. They said that I will have to repair or replace it.

The thing is that it isn't just me but my children are also victims of the bursting of the housing bubble and greedy landlords and rental agents who are charging more and more.  I am taking from my food to put them in a little better neighborhood and it just gets more and more expensive.  I am exhausted and my soul feels crushed.  How can I change this?

I wanted to plant flowers and herbs.  I wanted to be here until I could get in a position to buy but along comes a hospital bill and the kids are growing and there is the car payment and the car insurance and the electric bill which is a few hundred a month no matter what I do.  What is the answer?

Tonight I will...  I will do some homework.  I will accept where I am and vow to change it.  I will go to sleep with the first step in fixing the problem.  It seems I will be moving in 8 months.  I didn't want to yet.  Now just to prepare.  I am still not home.

I just want to get to a place where I can provide for my children what they deserve.

Here is the email:


I hope this e-mail finds you well. Here is the violation notice from the City. Please make sure this concern is resolved and I noted a few other things that need to be addressed as well. If you have any questions let me know. 

There is poison Ivy growing along the back fence to the left if facing the rear of the home. This needs to be srayed anmaintained as to not come back. The neighbor next to you may need to be made aware as it may be originating from their yard. 

The basement laundry room door knob is loose and needs to be tightened

There seems to be a hole in the master bedroom door. I do not see that in the pictures we have prior to your move in. This concern needs to be repaired/replaced

The trash can and recycle cans can not be stored out front of the home. They need to be stored in the rear of the home

Thank you and make it a Great day!
Traci Carter for
Sherri Russell - Broker
DEMCO Properties LLC-our new office: 2126 Espey Ct, Ste F, Crofton, MD 21114

Monday, May 20, 2013

Sunday, May 19, 2013

My Garden in May

Today I planted chives and two types of lettuce.  The only problem is I've lost track of some of the other things I planted.  I have these amazing sprouts and I don't know what they are.  I planted okra, sugar snap peas, green beans, cantaloupe and cucumbers.  I am also growing more basil.  Just for fun I planted a "helicopter" and I have a tiny tree growing as well.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

It must be PMS...

I've got to stop yelling... I am so tired and tired of repeating myself.  I must have asked him to wash the dishes 5 times and somehow he would end up sitting on the sofa each time or complaining about what someone else was or was not doing.  I just want to stop talking.  My words are so useless.

I am putting on a Portuguese movie and cleaning my room so that I can relax and study later.  I will also work out although my knees are a little achy and I'm not sure why.  Right now I am trying to get a feel for the Portuguese language.  It feels so strange in my mouth.

I am off balance and I need to focus on me.  I will begin my workout again in a moment.  I have to seize this moment though or I will have no energy left.  I hate asking for help even from my children, even though these are their responsibilities.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Into the Silence

What do you do with a memory that never was?  I have this ...thought... it is complex; it has substance and makes me explore my limits.

In moments of mental exploration I have cast all of my inhibitions to the wind and lived every imaginable "what if."  I cannot find a reason to make it okay but for just fractions of a second I feel like I deserve to live that absolute abandon.

I don't know what to do with it.  It is bittersweet.   I have to put it away but where do I put it?  It was real when I woke up this morning and I lay there basking in a few more moments of it.  It was real when my heart skipped a beat this afternoon.

It isn't quite a memory really.
     Remember when I thought of you...?

It was an idea planted by another ... the act itself was sensual and left me ... reaching... eyes closed not wanting it to end.  It was an offer, ...   I must reclaim the real estate in my head; it is so valuable.

"All I have is my word." I get it!

Perhaps, though, it is the gift of clarity.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Happy Mother's Day

Source: via Cheryl on Pinterest

They are the reason I get up each morning and the reason I sleep so soundly.  They are my laughter and my tears.  They are my fire, my fight.  These days they are the reason I need a vacation, but I can't think of a better reason to exist.      

"My Word is all I Have."

"Sit down Negro, let's talk."
It took my breath away, you know?  That mixture of so many emotions.  That being in my shoes and in yours and in hers at the same time.  I felt shock.  I felt joy.  I felt entrapment.  I felt relief.  I felt disappointment.  ... and the littlest twinge of something without a name. I heard in your voice - confusion.  I could hear the struggle between desire and commitment, between what one wants to do and what one ought to do. You tell a story without the emotion it warrants.  I was caught completely unaware.

I've always said that it couldn't be what you described.  I enjoyed the description.  I am not that and have never been.  I was made for something else, something slower and sweeter, something without limits.  I grew up with so many limits and I don't want any more.  I was only willing to have more in life and again and again I was offered less than I had.  It was no good.

I've learned so much listening to you.  You make me think about the stories we tell ourselves, our pursuits of happiness, how our childhoods shape us, how we deal with adversity and how to love.


Sunday, May 5, 2013


The fact that this is the most beautiful pic I've seen in a while should say something.  I have spent the past 16 weeks or so sitting with my feet over the edge.  I'm tired.  I'm worried about my children and my powerlessness.  I want so much for them and I simply cannot reach it.  I only have this moment and I cannot give it to them in the way that I want to.

Sleep is the new sex.  It is glorious.  But then there are alarm clocks and other realities and I must keep going.  I am presented with obstacles and I want to explain why I cannot overcome them at the moment but I haven't the words. I'm tired.

 Yesterday was glorious.  I paid my rent and so I could breathe a sigh of relief.  I cleaned out my savings to do it. I am down to nothing. I was able to go to the grocery store and pick up about 10 items for the week.  That made me feel good also.  I didn't know I'd have it and I did find $15 in the washing machine that I had lost, as I washed ... so maybe it was a good day.

I have been struggling with getting my sons into a good school for next year but I have not the time, the energy nor the resources to make that miracle happen.  It sounds lazy I know but it isn't I am all used up these days.  What I do have is the daily reminder that they are not where they need to be.  I have work to do and must go bed so that I can get up early and get it done.  "God grant me...."

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Saturday in Spring

I think this is true in so many ways.  I haven't blogged in a while.  The school year is coming to and end and the fight gets harder and I wonder more and more why they don't take children into consideration when they spend millions on educating them.

Today I walked to the park with my children, waxed my legs, watered my plants, checked my plants and simply sat in the sun.  It was glorious.  Oh, and I took my daughter to get her hair done.  It was the single sweetest gift I have received in my life - not counting my children and I have gotten such sweet gifts.  My family is amazing.

In a moment Saturday as it usually is, begins.  I haven't done laundry in too long.  It has been a lovely day and I needed it.  I will find something better to write before too long.... I need to stretch my creative legs again...


Who has time to be kind?  I went through life full of work and what I must do and then someone was so kind to me that it brought tears to my eyes and reminded me that we always have time to be kind.  We must...