One day at a time.... Not a week, not a month...just a day... I see life in terms of weeks, days between weekends and by Sunday night after I've read the weekly memo from my boss I'm exhausted and my week hasn't even begun. THIS is one of those weeks all I can see is what is to be done. When I can just tackle the moment I'm fine. It is difficult to do.
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Monday, November 11, 2013
It's amazing how heavy the head can be when you're just trying to hold it up.
I am taking an online course and so on the first day or so I emailed the professor and explained that I am mother to 7 and teacher to 200+ and that as important as his class is to me it had to be last and somedays I would have nothing less and so if he did not hear from me not to worry I would be back. I don't quit. His response was something like, "Part of taking graduate classes is time management." I laughed. Ha! Who can manage time? Really? I can't. It manages me. Time marches on ... waits for no man, or woman. His response doesn't bother me or it won't unless I can't squeek through.
Balance will mean everything to me this year, diet, exercise, meditation, study. I must keep some kind of balance. I don't even have time to write. I may edit this later.
For so long life has been about survival and I remember the good ole days when I used to take a moment to write, to purge. I haven't done that in a while.
I sit here on the precipice of.... I'm not sure what. I don't know what lies beyond now but now lacks beauty. I've listened to so many parents who seem to have me beat. I am focused on survial, on making sure that there is some food in their bellies. When I get home I'm exhausted and frustrated. When they bicker it is more than I can take. All of my patience is spent on someone else's children. I started listening to parents and decided that I have to be one. I can't just be provider; I'm not doing so well at that anyway. We need time to read and talk and dream. I need for them to think about how they can decide that their existence should make the world a better place. I am about to take a deep breath and let go. I am going to do what I do and not sweat anything else. I am going to make my peace of mind my focus. As a mother my peace of mind depends upon the well being of my children. I am going to detach from other things a bit. I must let go of them and stop worrying. It will cost me everything.
Work has been consuming me because I worry about my ability to continue to support my children. There is no balance in that. I am taking a deep breath and giving work only what it deserves and no more of my energy than that.