Saturday, January 25, 2014
Since I had my epiphany about being afraid and identifying my feelings I have felt much better. I have clarity and know that I must press on. I was paralyzed by what might happen if I should find my voice or my will. I think perhaps I had reached my daring limit some years ago and now looking into the eyes of my children I fear chance... and yet I'm human and all is not within my control. It makes for uncomfortable living to say the least.
I have decided though that I have beliefs and hopes and values and plans and I cannot hold them to my chest and sit back and silently judge as others dare to live theirs. I have a philosophy. Right now I am learning perseverance... through exercise because fat is not the thing for me. This is, physically, the most difficult thing I have ever done. I have, in my (earlier) youth, pitied those crazy people walking in the street and mall with all of their limbs moving. I now understand this.
At the end of week one of my Jillian Michael's workout she says, "Most people don't show up in their own lives." She talks about them never bringing their A-game. I realize that if life is a game that I have been in the outfield picking flowers, seeking beauty. I have spent years in my head watching, waiting, wondering and seldom, if ever, reaching.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Usually I'm productive in the morning but today I'm sipping coffee and trying to wrap my mind quietly around the day. Yesterday by this time I had done two loads of laundry and the dishes. I was up at three and didn't get to go to bed the way one is supposed to. I collapsed fully dressed with my phone still in my hoodie pocket (which I was still wearing) and woke up without an alarm this morning at 4:40.
Putting one foot in front of the other... I have to get to work to get work done this morning.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Saturday, January 11, 2014
This is my life.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
I just realized that I'm afraid. I am always afraid and then analyzing my fear I feel unappreciated, and mistreated and exploited and then I feel anger too. I am presented with fights all around me and I don't want to fight. I just want to be okay. I want to have picnics with my children and laugh and I want for them to go to good schools and to be kind and not to suffer poverty. I want to plant a garden and not panic when there is a spot on the floor. I want to live without thinking at every second that something costs money that I don't have. I'm terrified of giving my opinion at work because my work allows me to feed my children and pay rent. I'm afraid of requesting more child support because.. What if he refuses to be a father to them? What if he dedicates his energy to hating me and never devotes it supporting them? I'm afraid to fight for tenants rights in even the tiny way that I can because it is the only roof I can provide for my children right now. Being poor is the most expensive thing I've ever done and I have nothing to show for it. Someone else, however, is basking in my poverty.
I am a ballerina.... in a circus. I stand on one toe supporting ... a home and a car ...and the music plays.... I'm tired, and inside that home and inside that car are the only reasons I keep dancing.... and I dance and spin and the music plays... and they are growing and the house is getting heavier... the car too... but the music keeps playing and so I dance. This ballerina is not getting any younger. On top of the house is more. I cannot properly support mine because I am supporting someone else's I can't see them up there. My job is just to dance. Above the car too the weight grows .... I don't dance alone... there are others who's lives threaten to crush them. What happens when the music stops?
I have wondered at these words. It would be one thing to surrender if one could do so without undo struggle but to surrender for me means to turn over my dreams and hopes and desires and all that I work for.... but I am tired I don't want to live a fight. For a few days I thought that it was surrender that I must do and then today I realized that I am afraid and that what I must do is embrace my fear and accept the struggle for something better or in the end I will only have fear. What if it's not about me. If it's not about me I can't lose.
Today's Message of Hope
Monday, January 6, 2014
Yesterday I thought I would break. I don't remember ever feeling that level of saddness. I just felt beaten. I wanted to pull the covers up over my head and stay there. I went to bed early because I had to get past that feeling. I have to get to work on my projects. This cannot be allowed.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
My Destiny is Joy
It feels a lot like a second chance. I've taken days to reflect and be grateful for past successes and chances and now I square my shoulders and raise my eyes and embrace what lies ahead. I look forward to some goal whose outline I am only now beginning to see. In the midst of all that is wrong one feels trapped by poverty and the realization that both time and energy are finite and the consequences of removing sleeping and time to eat from the day may be permanent.
I hereby resolve to be kinder. I have walked around this past year fragile and detached just pushing through one more paper or another day with the students. Trying to eek out a bit more hope for all of us. I have been driven by the need to move beyond this part of the struggle and almost crushed with every set back.
I resolve to curse less. I just see that it isn't fun anymore. It is angry and rather than embrace it I think I should try to focus on ridding myself of the anger. When I find myself angry I will use this resolution to find other ways to express what is upsetting me... probably blogging :-)
I resolve NOT to put off 'til tomorrow what can be done today. It will mean changing the focus of my push and leaving more time for my children. It will mean less creativity in the classroom but more consistency. I cannot afford to continue experimenting with every new idea that comes down the line. I will fix my seating charts once and for all. At home it will mean starting to form good habits so that I don't fall into bed guilty at having been more of a teacher than a mother... I haven't had time to be a friend in years. It also means dedicating some portion of each day of each "today" to me and to living a life with purpose, to healing.
I resolve to read daily. I have a collection of awesome books that I haven't read. The wisdom of the ages sits idle in my kindle. I have allowed overwhelm to guide me and I've spent so much time just trying to be okay. I have been almost entirely in survival mode.
I resolve to write daily... even if it is a note and doodle in my calendar during a staff meeting. My artistic side really comes out during those staff meetings.
I resolve to walk daily. I didn't realize how much weight I'd gained. It creeps up on you. I think if one just woke up 20lbs heavier they would immediately go out running or give up fats or anything drastic but when the weight creeps up you quietly explain it away until you go to buy a dress and realize that yours is a physique that nothing will flatter. (true story)
I resolve to be a mother FIRST. I have been in this kind of mad panic as provider. I am afraid always of what might happen if... I was frustrated and sad and overwhelmed. I'm not doing that anymore!
I resolve to be enough. I have felt like my life was bigger than I am for 12 years now. I have been brought to my knees and I didn't know how to stand again with the weight of so much responsibility. For the sake of all who I hold dear, I must now stand and walk and run and soar...
No excuses. No complaints.