Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Leaving my Salamanca

For days now friends have been looking ahead to the end of our studies for the year and expressing a creeping sense of sadness.  I felt none of it.  I miss my children and was glad that I would soon see them.

... but today, today was different.  There was a little weight around my heart and I began to look at things as though I wouldn't see them again - soon.  The view from the classroom window, the timber of the professors' voices...the music in the voice of our profesora de Historia... the kindness of our leader... the seeming malleability and absolute rigidness of the Spanish language in Marta's class (the feeling that she held the key to my mastery of this language)…the tiny chairs in the caballeriza, cafés con leche & bon bons, cleaning service, the walking, I will miss the walking.    I will miss most, what I have come to know of the Spanish people- BEST SENSE OF HUMOR IN MY KNOWN WORLD!!!  

I'm not easy but I'm afraid I've fallen in love with Spain.  I was determined that it wouldn't happen to me.  I love this place.  I want my children to see it.  When life gets difficult at home I will close my eyes and imagine that I'm ordering a café con leche  y que "no pasa nada" or replay one of the literature lectures that I've retired to my memory - it almost happened yesterday.

...and as if there is not a year between now and then, I begin to make plans for next time, another job, extra duties at work...  I am most grateful to have been able to spend this time here with these people.  When I raise my wine glass it will have in it Spanish wine and it will be 'to Salamanca'.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Doing something every day that scares me...

Today my professor asked me how I was and I said fine.  He said that´s all I would say every time he spoke to me.  I realized that it was all I had ever said to him so I told him what I found interesting about his class.  It was really making me think about teaching Spanish and helping me to understand the connections between languages.  It really has been fascinating, linguistically.  Funny, I just realized how much I doubt myself.  When I speak though I can´t think about grammar.  I just have to speak.  ... this was all in Spanish.   I didn´t doubt myself until I got here and looked at the grammar book.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

My muse is fleeting but sitting in literature class she is with me and I have access to what lies beneath, the essense of things.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

These moments...

"Jamás desesperes, aún estando en las mas sombrías aflicciones, pues de las nubes negras cae agua limpia y fecundante." Miguel de Unamuno

It's been a rough week.  Yesterday and today I just felt down when I came back from the dentist.  I forced myself to get out of bed and go out. I burst into tears. I came back and slept - a lot. Since someone taught me how to use the cafetera I went in search of coffee.  Everything was closed where I went so I just kept walking.  I thought i'd look for coconut oil.  I found the store that is likely to sell it but it too was closed.  I don't have wifi in my room so I went to the common area to send pics to my children and two other students, from Georgia -I think,  pulled out their guitars and started a jam session/sing along.  It lifted my spirits so much.  At that moment I could only see what was right with the world and everything was okay.

Today I've had a constant headache but since the ibuprofen that they gave me was too much for me I was trying not to take it.  I drank some coffee and that didn't help so finally I took 200mgs.  Here they prescribed 600.  It gave me the worst pressure headache.  I didn't feel right for days.

It's raining and chilly outside.  Here it can go from 60 -90 in a day.  I don't feel guilty for being inside. I was feeling like such a party pooper before.  I have studying to do and now I have coffee, tea, milk, honey and work.  Life is good.

Friday, July 11, 2014

What if...

What if I stop being afraid.  What if I accept that money in my hand is only paper or metal and in my bank it is an idea.  What if I just pay what I can when I can and let the chips fall where they may?  What if I don't look at the debt that is always fighthing to get my direct attention?

What if the only thing that really matters is that my children are healthy and happy?  I worry so much about paying bills and buying food and putting a roof over their heads... about having heat and warm socks and food, food is a big deal.  What might poverty look like for us?   Could we make it sweet until we can do better?  I see always, way off in the distance something that might be, though I can't be sure because of the distance, it might be failure.  I feel deep, terrible fear.  I feel it physically.  I can't live like this.

I need to find a way to be enough.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014