Thursday, February 12, 2015

Broken Hearted

Someone posted on Facebook something like, "My children always come first.  It's that simple." Click like if you agree.  It's not that simple.  Sometimes, I have to put my children's shelter and food in front of their mental health and intellectual growth.   It hurts like hell when I see the manifestation of that decision.  Tonight I live the example.  Anything but simple.

Emïl,

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.  I wish I could press my forehead to yours and you would know what I know.  Sadly, that is not how we get to know these things and as I see you struggle I remember my own and I sit here powerless to show you who you are.

You lay on my floor and tell me that your brain just doesn't work the way it should and for just a fraction of a second I almost believe you.  I think okay he's my son and I love him and maybe he needs an IEP or some type of evaluation EXCEPT that I have always known what the problem is - it's damned hard to keep everyone okay.

I came to the conclusion today that motherhood should be subsidized.  Here we are cultivating the future of our nation often without the necessary resources.  I want to drive you to lessons - the ones where you learn a skill and grow in confidence.  I want to hear how you would solve world issues as I throw out obstacles and you have to rethink.  I want, more often, to see you cringe when I sing loudly at you.

I'm not saying that you're not right.  I think that you are as absent minded as your mother and not yet as driven as I came to be.   I was an escapist.  How do I provide the life for you that you don't have to escape?  How can I help you to be present?

I want to take you out of school so that no one can make you feel stupid but I can't and I know that if you develop the will you can prove them wrong but maybe you're too much like me to do that too.  You won't showboat.  You'll just walk away and wish you had.  You'll play every scenario in your head in which you were the victor.  The pain somehow dulled by the daydream.

It's happening so fast.  You're taller than I am.  The hair on your lip is darkening.  Your face has changed shape.  Your anguish is the same though.  It's the same pain that breaks my heart every time.  I think the key is discipline but there doesn't seem to be enough discipline for me to fit in everything on my schedule so I simply do what is most urgent on any given day.  In my heart your development is most urgent but in reality I must make sure that you have a roof over your head and food in your belly.

I can think of 100 solutions but none that I reach just now.  I think I am a strong person for some of the struggles that I have gone through and just hope that you gain strength.  I know the path to strength though ... I think most of each day about what I might do for you.  Would you like to learn guitar?  Perhaps that martial art from the Donnie Yin movies. (Not sure if I got his last name right).

We stand within view of all we need but cannot reach it.  My best times are stolen moments because I belong to responsibility.  I have to keep rolling my stone up the hill.

I'm listening.  I'm here.  I love you.  I get up for work in 3 hours.

Mom

Monday, February 9, 2015

Quitting


I don't get to quit full-time so I have quit part-time.  Who am I kidding I'm doing more work from home than I would be able to accomplish at work.

Okay but I am in the midst of an existential crisis and need to gather my thoughts while I treat my asthma - I actually think there is some relation.

I have learned that it is not enough to spend my life making expectations for me.  As a teacher and indeed a parent it is the expectations that I set for others that make my life livable.  I simply expected the younger people in my life to do certain things and when they disappointed me I minimized the consequence.  Now I miserable and powerless and as my philosophy has long been that I can change no one but myself I need to do all of their work AND mine in order to be important.  I try to hyper organize but still my fulfillment as a human being depends on others and I don't like the uncertainty.  

I need to redefine my goals and desires and find something to do in which success in the way that I define it is possible.   My failures have inspired me to rededicate myself to investing some portion of time every day to me.  I am also letting go of the guilt.  I have so many things to do today for work that don't have to do with teaching.  I only get one of these, I must invest it well.  

My level of stress is making it difficult to deal with my daughter's inability to handle her emotions.   She loses her homework and starts crying and stomping her feet and I just look at her.  My response is physical.  I am angry.  If it is lost then look for it.  She startings chanting, "I'm going to fail. I'm going to fail."  As I feel the tension  in my own body I start breathing and thining about how I am going to calm down.  She is in absolute panic at this point and it is always everyone else's fault.  She just came to my room and said, "Everyone keeps losing my homework!"  

What can I do for a living that will allow us to eat and be warm and have clothing and still have energy to help them work with the difficulties of growing up?  I don't want to continue to be part of the problem.  Momma is tired.  

Sunday, February 8, 2015

1 (one thousand), 2 (one thousand) breeeathe

Last week was one of the most stressful weeks of my work life.  It really made me think.  I've been dreaming of doing something else for a long time but necessity keeps me here on a kind of life support, alive but not living.

It's amazing how much something bad can seemingly affect all that happens afterwards.  I couldn't complain at the beginning of the year.  I just needed to find a place to live.   I looked at my schedule and hoped for the best.  Last week I had that feeling of not being enough.  That my job was going to take more than I had.  I was off balance and stressed and couldn't sleep.  My students will take a high stakes exam and I've been walking the line between the combined classes feeling like no one was getting exactly what they needed.

Everybody has a justification and I stopped wanting to argue with people a long time ago.  I just want to be the best me that I can and walk away from strife.  Those justificaitons include justification of a schedule for me that is not fair to my children or personal life (because I entend to get one).  I deserve one.

In order to walk away from strife I need make a change.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Period. New Paragraph...

Done.  But what comes next?  I am in such absolute misery, not enough for anyone.  I haven't used time as "wisely" as I might but doing so means no time for me whatsoever.  For a moment I had forgotten my promise to myself.  I promised myself that I would explore all options and I haven't.  I've been chasing the status quo.  Working so hard to maintain something that I am unhappy with.  I promised my daughter that this coming weekend we will dream.  ...  I have to find hope again.