Saturday, March 28, 2015

A Life of Question

Fear and worry surround me... I must stop being reactive and hoping that my meager offering is accepted when I know that it isn't enough.  I need to live a life in training to be enough and investing in tomorrow in the hopes that I will achieve that sense.  When there is so little to stretch across today it is a true feat to dedicate any to tomorrow whether it be time, money, or energy.

I find it difficult to sustain the sacrifice required to get ahead.  Does that mean that I don't want it enough?  Do I not deserve it because I don't want to suffer more?  I try to create that safe center that allows one to sacrifice in other areas but there is no haven.

One of the beautiful things about school years is all of the new beginnings, new quarters and new semesters.  For the next 10 weeks I have to try sacrifice and discipline.  This is the only way that I will be able to live the life I've imagined.  I have to prove to me that I can (and will) do this.   By this point in the school year I'm tired.   It's my first year in a new school and I have listened to so much negativity that I just want to be away from it.  ... as I think of the new beginnings I also think of the fact that I've heard that some people have jobs that they enjoy doing so much they are not thinking about the breaks, they are not begging for moments to regroup, jobs in which they don't feel so very much at the mercy of the whims of others.  There is chatter that I should be enough and so when I am not I push myself to be enough.  I sleep less and eat a less healthy diet and lose focus of who and what my priorities should be.

I've been thinking lately about what I would most like to do and I decided that I would like to study creative writing and simply write.  I need it to pay the bills: I know it will give me purpose or lead me to my purpose.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015


In the evenings I find myself watching the news and wondering if anyone else feels hurt by Congress' disrespect of  or lack of respect for our President Barack Obama.  It makes me sad as I had come to believe so much more of us and now those voices of hope are all but silent.  This administration is the American history that my children have lived.  They noticed and began to dream a dream that could finally be encouraged and not humored, I thought.

Somewhere in the backdrop of my life was the political push and pull and I was indifferent to it.  It didn't hurt my feelings.  I picked a side and went to the polls and the world turned and day turned to night and disappointment faded in seemingly mere days.  Nothing changed for me.  I didn't expect it to.

Has this been done to a sitting President before in the History of the United States?  Congress sending letters to foreign leaders, sending invitations to foreign leaders?

Saddened, I continue with my own struggle and think about the dreams of my children.  I think that if he were my child I would be beyond hurt.  I would be angry that once he had overcome the barriers they had chased him down determined that he would not be more than their vision of him because of his color?  political affiliation?  

I can see myself either not voting or voting for some no chance party if the Democrats distance themselves from him.  That hope was more than momentary frenzy and now I fear losing it because we don't seem to want to be better.  The best was yesterday.  We don't evolve.

Silently, sadly, I wave a little flag in my heart and wonder when this day will be the one that we look back to as a time when we were great.

Bracing myself for political season.  I look at my little Americans and tell them that it's a mean world, be kind anyway.  It won't be easy.