Monday, July 27, 2015

Time Travel

Today I went back, back to when I had a soul.  There were no boundaries.  Dreams only required will and imagination.  ... then with one beautifully foolish decision I surrounded myself with walls too tall for me to climb and before long I couldn't remember what the sun felt like on my face.  I knew instinctivly that I needed to dream but dreams seemed foolish and there was so much that needed to be done within my walls if I was ever going to be able to dream again.  And so for me, life turned into dreaming of becoming a dreamer.

The thing about that is that you can't see how to do it.  There are no exits visible in this grey space. ... but today I sat in a Liturature class and remembered a time before ... I remembered it acutely... I felt it... my mind was awake again and I remembered reading Kafka and Joyce and how much I liked exestencial writers and Joyce's train of thought style.

Bit by bit I've been thinking of writing again.  I would like to learn to write a Picaresca.  The protagonist, my antagonist who could somehow be so terrible to me... but not all bad, not bad to most, only to those who love me ... I would like to explore that paradox.

Today I understood why I am here.  My walls are not pretty but they are safe.  I have long been wary of stepping out lest I again step into ... I started to accept the things I do not know and once I began to tell myself that I was startled by the finality of it.  I must find out what I do not know.  Learn to do what I cannot do well.  I must humble myself and dare.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Breaking Silence

I think all day of things I'd like to write and ways to write them.  Then, I sit in front of the compuer and ... nothing.

Today I thought about race, about Cuba, about the translations or interpretations of Nicolas Guillén that were being given to me, told to me.  Today I quietly sat and disagreed.  Today she forgave a nation, singlehandedly in one grand gesture.  Me indignó!

But my filter is American, Estadounidense to be exact and the emotions that are envoked at the story belonged to my forefathers, right?  They might have been family...  She softened the story. Slavery was an unfortunate accident a coincidence but look what came of it, Nicolas Guillén.  Yes, that's it.

It's funny how we can read the same thing and come to completely different conclusions.  I am going to pick up some of his work tomorrow.  She saw the poem as forgiving.  I saw it a as a simple truth.  I don't speak up she seems like she'd take offense and I'd have to go into long explanations at the end of which they would tell me that his story was different.

I am quiet.  I scribble notes of the things I dare not say.  She tells how the English were so much worse than the Spanish.  Maybe, does it mater?  Does it make her feel better.  Can she better appreciate the words of Guillén because it wasn't as bad as it might have been?  But it was bad... they worked in the fields and factories.  Was he a comunist because that was the poetic trend or was there something more?  Did he find hope in it?  Might it have been, without knowing better, the redemption of those grandfathers, or something for the one?

Now they are equal.  Now, they are dead and he is alive.  Just him.   Or, maybe it's just me... but I'm going to keep reading.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

To Mine

I came here to study and to try to earn a little bit more of a chance for each of you to tip the odds a bit more in your favor.  For so long I have refused to see the effects of my decisions on you all.  I see them now.  In a way it was important that I didn't.  I might have given up.  I might have felt that we simply deserved less.  I still don't feel that way.  I am seeking the strength to create the space that we need.

I hope that you learn you feel the excitement that I feel with my synapses are firing.  When I'm sitting in class the chaos and uncertainty is gone.  The equation is simple work/focus = reward/success.  

I also came here to quiet my mind.  To focus, to finish and to formulate a plan.  I need another 3 year plan.  Should it include a doctorate.  I will have to get a grant or scholarship if I am going to be able to do that.  Should I get a part time job?

What will our goals as a family be.  I am not kidding about the road trip and the tree house.  It is time to make a plan to put those things within reach.  Well, I love you.