Saturday, November 28, 2015

A [NEW] 3 Year Plan

It's been some time since I checked off the items on a 3 year plan... I am now in year six and getting through, buying little, tiny moments of bliss and worrying too much ... because I can.  I am pouring time and energy into an abyss and clinging to the hope that I can redirect it some day, that it will still be there, believing that the day will present itself to me and I will know that I can then leap, that it is safe.

Perhaps that's not the point, it's wouldn't be a leap. It is the desire to slowly gingerly lower one foot until I feel ground safely beneath it and then to shift my weight.  It's been a while since I've leapt but my gifts go unused as I try to sell my time to feed my children.  I feel like a mule, a beast of burden.

I have to change my focus.  What do I seek?  How will I get it?  What must my investment be?  Am I prepared to take risks?  I will begin my own year of risking rejection.

This blog has been a moment for me to reflect and exist a moment to be a bit more than a workhorse. Here I have been able to acknowledge my dreams and pack them safely away again.  Here I have wanted more and then slipped into sleep momentarily content with being able to dream.  I'm in here, behind the tired eyes my adventurer lives.

So today I create a plan with four parts, two are university applications and two are job applications.  One is ideal, one is good, the other two are better than this but each of them might afford me the opportunity to truly live.  Here goes...

I need to grow and I'm not growing now.

Well, I have evaluated he life I live in something that sounds very much like a complaint and in spite of all of that I am thankful.  I feel possible. I have made some choices and I feel empowered.  Now to move on to focus, drive and balance.

<> sometimes I feel guilty for caring so much about me and my need for expression and fulfullment and I decide that I will get up early each morning and be a mom and a providor but in time my nerves get raw and I can't breathe and I'm sad and I cannot even enjoy the decision I've made because I'm not enough to be that and I think that the secret might be that I need to be enough for me first.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

The Life I've Imagined...

Things have really been bothering me lately.  The laziness of one son and absolute lack of respect from another.  I am certain that he can't even identify his disrespect because I've indulged him so.  I'm getting that tired feeling.  That feeling that comes when everything is a battle but you don't want to fight anymore.

I want to go get an MFA &/or Ph.D. in creative writing and use it to heal myself, to relax my mind.   I would also like to go to a writing retreat somewhere... I would like to read about and better understand world issues perhaps then my own won't seem so big...

I busy myself with spinning some dreams.... maybe the west coast will provide my children with a rounder education...are the people nicer?... Will a life built, re-built out there allow me to model something other than fatigue and frustration?  Will I be able to buy a home with an office that is just for me?  Can I create an environment that will allow my children some fluidity of thought? ... an environment in which they can create? ... grow?  Will I be able to find a safe space for me in which I can create?  As my children start to grow up I want to create a space that they will want to come back to ... a big kitchen... memories of the ingredients that make them up...

Sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not made that way, that I'm not just a happy cog in the machine.  I know I'm not though and I can't be happy unless I am working toward my life goals.  My newest set of goals is a first published book... or at least written and completed and a comfortable home for my children to come home to always... with a big tree in the big back yard for a tree house.  Windows, I want windows a window with a nice view in my office.

I changed jobs last year in an attempt to protect some time and space for me and who I have to be to my children but though it is a marked improvement that is not to be.  

Sunday, November 8, 2015

With my head in my hands...

I'm thinking about getting a second job.  I just paid rent and it left me with just a few dollars for food and get to get to work.  I am to feed them for two weeks on that.  I sat down and put in to pay my bills in two weeks and I will go broke on payday.  I will pay my car payment, car insurance, water bill, electric bill and credit card.  I need to figure out how to get Thanksgiving Dinner,  2 weeks of lunches, breakfasts and dinners out of it as well and I just don't see it.  The frustrating thing is that the next check is rent again and the cycle continues...

A second job means less sleep, less time with the kids, higher stress levels... It could also mean that the children won't qualify for medicaid and so it can decrease my wages and throw life even more out of balance.  I'm doing it again.  I'm taking on tomorrow's worries.  I need to breathe.  I need to meditate.  I need to take it one day at a time.

When I got my last check I simply closed my eyes and did what I needed to do.  I bought the kids what they needed for lunch and will work with the rest to get things done.  I was finally caught up on my current bills but December is always difficult and the month that the water bill is due simply hurts.  I monitor shower times and listen for water running more than a few seconds but still the water bill hurts.

I'm tired of this ride, around and around and around and at some point I realize that I only know how to survive anymore, not to LIVE.  I don't like going out.  Every thing costs money and I need my time to figure this out.   I need to balance.

I will try to live in each moment and to be thankful for it.  There is a reason I don't do Christmas, it is because December and January are the most difficult months of the year.  We will be fine though.  Lot's of beans but we'll be fine.  We'll be fine.

I have to learn to save even if it means paying less of a bill or two for a time.  I just hate that so much.  I hear the belts on my car squealing and I beg it not to break down.  I have no more.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015


I'm lost between a worry and a day dream and worry that I'll see it all for the first time in a memory.