Saturday, November 28, 2015

A [NEW] 3 Year Plan

It's been some time since I checked off the items on a 3 year plan... I am now in year six and getting through, buying little, tiny moments of bliss and worrying too much ... because I can.  I am pouring time and energy into an abyss and clinging to the hope that I can redirect it some day, that it will still be there, believing that the day will present itself to me and I will know that I can then leap, that it is safe.

Perhaps that's not the point, it's wouldn't be a leap. It is the desire to slowly gingerly lower one foot until I feel ground safely beneath it and then to shift my weight.  It's been a while since I've leapt but my gifts go unused as I try to sell my time to feed my children.  I feel like a mule, a beast of burden.

I have to change my focus.  What do I seek?  How will I get it?  What must my investment be?  Am I prepared to take risks?  I will begin my own year of risking rejection.

This blog has been a moment for me to reflect and exist a moment to be a bit more than a workhorse. Here I have been able to acknowledge my dreams and pack them safely away again.  Here I have wanted more and then slipped into sleep momentarily content with being able to dream.  I'm in here, behind the tired eyes my adventurer lives.

So today I create a plan with four parts, two are university applications and two are job applications.  One is ideal, one is good, the other two are better than this but each of them might afford me the opportunity to truly live.  Here goes...

I need to grow and I'm not growing now.

Well, I have evaluated he life I live in something that sounds very much like a complaint and in spite of all of that I am thankful.  I feel possible. I have made some choices and I feel empowered.  Now to move on to focus, drive and balance.

<> sometimes I feel guilty for caring so much about me and my need for expression and fulfullment and I decide that I will get up early each morning and be a mom and a providor but in time my nerves get raw and I can't breathe and I'm sad and I cannot even enjoy the decision I've made because I'm not enough to be that and I think that the secret might be that I need to be enough for me first.

No comments:

Post a Comment