Thursday, December 31, 2015

My Reflection Pool

2015 has been difficult ... I think.  Perhaps it has been no more or less difficult than any other year.  It has not been a year marked by sadness, or loneliness or betrayal. No memories plague me and yet I have fought despair this year seemingly unlike any other. This has been a year marked by the passage of time and the feeling of the finite, being finite.  I seem to have lost the ability to envision my own goals and instead feel like I've failed to be something greater or to measure up to anyone else's and I worry that I've limited my children's chances in needing to protect them.  I feel bound by necessity to do that which I detest and it gets more and more difficult to put my mind to.  I feel my anxiety building toward another great change.  This year has also been marked by anxiety and the feeling that all I do is try to hold back entropy which is to feel that absolute failure is my constant companion.  I have started to take steps to crawl out of this place in which I find myself and to build something for my children.  Now to my resolutions for 2016.

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Morning thoughts

I was going to retire this virtual diary so that I could move into action but it seems I still need an outlet.  Today has started a bit better... I still need to figure out how to get gas and laundry soap without overdrawing my account.  I need to clean house... at least my room and bathroom...

My son got up, walked to my room, greeted me and went back to bed.  That was nice.  Usually he'll crawl in my bed and then moments later someone will join him and before you know it they're pushing and shoving and bickering.

I've been thinking.... thinking... thinking... what can I pour my time into that will give me purpose.  What service can I offer that is useful and meaningful. I keep returning to one in particular.

I feel better than I did yesterday but I know that I have to do something better with my time. I deserve a greater reward when I invest my time.  I should be able to pay my bills, feed my children, buy them the occasional gift, return to a house that is mine and feels like home and pay for the extracurricular activities that they would like to be in.  I will have that.  This will be a one year plan.  They are growing up too quickly for this to be a 3 year plan.  I already have a lot to make up to them for the time I'm frustrated.  For the times when they are full of normal American wants and I don't know how I am going to get them lunch, or for the times when one of them has indulged in all of the snacks money is gone and there is none for anyone else.

Friday, December 4, 2015

It's the little things....

The kids didn't take lunch yesterday.  A whole loaf of bread went missing.  I suspect that the son whose job it is to clean the table didn't appreciate the task and threw it all away, an entire loaf of whole wheat bread and the rest of the almond butter. The almond butter costs almost $8.

After paying my rent I am left with $9.  I went to the store at 7:30 to get them something for lunch.  Normally they would have had to simply suffer until they got home, since the food went missing, but I am home with the smallest who is sick today.  My credit card was declined.  My heart sank.  I am out of laundry soap.  The breathing exercises aren't working.  Crying isn't leaving me feeling purged of emotion.  I don't have tears left just this feeling in my core like a mixture of distilled hurt and disappointment and powerlessness.  I will soak in it for only a minute more and then I will act.  I must gather strength from it so that I can truly say, "no more".

I can't seem to get the same running start that I did years ago when life's direction or lack of momentum frightened me so.  I am constantly analyzing my feelings and trying to identify the thing that has me feeling so, so,... sad?   Laundry, unending laundry,  almost enough food, almost enough time, almost enough energy, the house is at times almost clean, my work is almost done, my kids are almost developing in the way that they could.... I am going to have to change everything to become enough.

I know that I don't deal with my hurts.  I am excellent at simply turning my back on them and closing them out but recently I have wondered how much of myself I have closed out with my hurts because in memory I lack a reflection... it's hard to determine growth that way.

But tomorrow I will again need to give all that I am to be almost enough and that requires that only that moment exist and so I shut out this moment and moments like these when I feel lost and I want to refuse to suffer but I see only one option in this test that life has placed before me - to keep going.

How do I fuel what must be my ascent.  For years I knew what I did't want to be and it drove me to do more and now I sit and wonder if I am exactly what I've tried so hard not to become - a statistic.  Will I even be able to give my children what they need to be and do more, to be contributors?  I can't even seem to hold the pieces of me together.