I was going to retire this virtual diary so that I could move into action but it seems I still need an outlet. Today has started a bit better... I still need to figure out how to get gas and laundry soap without overdrawing my account. I need to clean house... at least my room and bathroom...
My son got up, walked to my room, greeted me and went back to bed. That was nice. Usually he'll crawl in my bed and then moments later someone will join him and before you know it they're pushing and shoving and bickering.
I've been thinking.... thinking... thinking... what can I pour my time into that will give me purpose. What service can I offer that is useful and meaningful. I keep returning to one in particular.
I feel better than I did yesterday but I know that I have to do something better with my time. I deserve a greater reward when I invest my time. I should be able to pay my bills, feed my children, buy them the occasional gift, return to a house that is mine and feels like home and pay for the extracurricular activities that they would like to be in. I will have that. This will be a one year plan. They are growing up too quickly for this to be a 3 year plan. I already have a lot to make up to them for the time I'm frustrated. For the times when they are full of normal American wants and I don't know how I am going to get them lunch, or for the times when one of them has indulged in all of the snacks money is gone and there is none for anyone else.