Sunday, January 31, 2016

A Home for Us

I had never wanted to be a homeowner, never wanted to be stuck to a huge mortgage, never wanted to grow roots.  I love to travel and though that has been largely out of my reach since having my two sets of twins I always felt like I'd be able to make the miracle happen that would allow me to travel again, this time with my children. 

A few years ago  I lived a housing nightmare and I realized that renters have no rights.  What we went though then still affects me.  Since that time I have wanted a home of my own.  I discovered, however, that because of my student loan debt I am not likely to be able to buy a home any time soon.  I haven't felt at home in years.  I don't hang pictures on the walls.  I am responsible for making it look like I have not lived in the places that I rent while paying $1,550/mo, water, electricity... There are no tax breaks for me.  

I am resigning myself to the fact that home ownership is not going to be in my immediate future.  I hate apartment complexes.  People are too close and there is no room for a garden but I am contemplating returning to one for a year or so when my lease is up to pay off my car, reduce my expenses and create memories with my children.

For the next decade my home will be in Minecraft.    My 6 year old comes and takes my order and goes and builds me a home.  Our Minecraft homes have lots of windows and always a big garden.  The other day he told me that he made me a "world" (I think that's what he called it.)  He said that I would like it because it had lots of vegetables.  At that moment I realized that for now that would have to be enough and that he, the youngest, will probably be the first of my children to enjoy a room of his own.


Wednesday, January 27, 2016

thoughts & ramblings

This will be one of those days I write so that I can say I did.  I have been procrastinating and enjoying the snow left by snowstorm Jonas so very much.  I imagine that tomorrow I will have to return to work and so today I must get prepared.


I have to put on earphones to stay focused.  The funny thing is that the earphones don't usually have any sound they just help me to block out the children and push though. For years I have wanted a pair of Bose noise cancelling earphones.  When I really want them I go on Amazon and read all about them and read the reviews on all of the noise cancelling earphones.  I then return to my life still wondering if I will hold out and one day buy the Bose or I will try a less expensive one...  I have found some more attractive ones but I doubt their quality.

I have been wanting to learn focus and mindfulness. For some time as my preoccupation with some kind of journey to contentment keeps my mind away from the here and now. I've tired of the struggle. What is it even for?  I need to start to accentuate the positive so I don't look back and feel that so much is a loss.  I laugh every day even the bad ones.  I need to change my perspective.


As I sit here and write I have a sense of clarity.  I know what it is that I want to do, that I am meant to do. I have my purpose.  I sometimes lose focus and I  think that what I want to do is to make money because I don't want to wonder anymore about how the bills get paid and how the kids get fed.

I know that my purpose is take that on for more than just me though and then it becomes a cause.  It is also something that consumes me.  I think constantly about where I am in life financially, how to move forward and the impediments that I face.  Sadly, just now I must tear myself away from this most ambitious of dream/plans to do today's work.  The work that keeps me on life support.

NEED... an illusion??
..a byproduct of capitalism??

It would have been nice if the children had boots and proper winter attire.  They didn't, they layered and went out and enjoyed the snow.  I am drying their shoes before school today.  They didn't complain or ask for anything.  I on the other hand was thinking about the electric bill going up and the water bill going up.  'sigh' Everyday home I was saving money on gas though... as the children cleaned the cupboards.

What do I really need?  a pen, paper, a garden and a place of my own...the ability to meet the needs of my children. I'm working on it.  God knows, I'm working on it.

Monday, January 25, 2016


Why do I always feel so possible after a cup of McDonald's coffee?  

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Dear Jonas,

Dear Snowstorm Jonas,

Thank you for your visit, we have enjoyed it immensely.  The kids went out and played for hours "cleaning" off my car and playing with the neighbor's children, happy that their feet were the first to touch the snow in the backyard.

I am grateful also.  The visit has given me time to sit and simply be.  I have sat and stood in the window drinking tea, coffee and hot chocolate just being.  I am also grateful for some practical consequences.

I haven't taken the car out since Friday morning, THAT translates to savings on gas.  I wasn't sure if I still had money for both gas and lunches for the kids.  It will be more of a blessing if they (we) can get the next few days off.  I can see an argument for it in the weather report.

Watching it snow makes me feel so at peace.  Today I will attempt to get back to work doing the many things I've been needing to do for work.  I will have to reschedule my student's testing and grade some things.  I will also need to put in grades and do an online training that I have not really been looking forward to.  I don't feel rushed or overwhelmed and that's truly special.

I haven't read to the children in a few days and it will be nice to read to them again today.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016