Sunday, June 26, 2016

I Want A Home

It is my guilty pleasure.  I sit and look at houses and design houses for myself and my children.  I want a home of our own and I am willing to work for it.  I just have to get us past this survival mode so that we can invest in tomorrow.  Hope is alive. A room for everyone... a dog...a big yard...

Back to Writing

So I've been on summer break since Tuesday afternoon and I'v e been hungry since Tuesday.  It's an odd kind of hunger; the kind you feel when you don't have money to go anywhere.  The problem is that I don't yet have food options  in the house.  Getting from here to Friday and feeding the children is going to take a small miracle.  I have $4 on one card and a $3 and some change on another.  I will take a morning exercise walk to go buy beans for the next two days.  I am vowing I won't do this to myself ever again and while I am not vowing I am picking out things for my garden, looking at the fact that the kids need clothes and preparing for going on a SUPER healthy diet or rather changing to a super healthy diet in the coming weeks... really, I've already put myself back into this position.  Must... be.... strong.... there is just always some offer of something to make me better and I want to be better....and it's discounted right now and who knows what the price will be...

I now know why I write.  Writing is, for me, like swimming. It propels me through life.  When I am not writing I am, sinking, floundering, sometimes I manage a bloated float for a moment.   I guess I stopped writing for a bit because I felt like I was swimming in circles... it was a bit pointless.  It wasn't  open water freedom.... I now realize that I am training for that swim; one must be ready.

I've started my summer with lofty goals, and spoiled, bored children.  They are not spoiled in the sense that they get everything they want but they are spoiled in the way that first world children tend to be.  They walk in and say, "I'm bored," and I'm never sure what I should do about that, I mean, do they really need to be reminded that the grass needs to be cut, the trash needs to go out, the dishes won't wash themselves. I suspect their rooms need some cleaning also.

... so this summer I will write to center.  I will write to tell myself all of those things that I need hear but cannot in the midst of my anger and frustration.

I will plan for next school year and read some books some for personal improvement and some for entertainment.  I will work out daily - starting tomorrow, no, for real, I mean it.  I will get rid of stuff and make the back yard a space for family.  .... children present... gotta be a mom.

It sounds pathetic but I know we'll be fine.  I just need to cling to that optimism.  What happens to me is that I lose hope and then the problem is not that we won't make it through this moment it is the fear that life is an endless series of these moments.  It is the fatigue that comes with one's hopes being dashed time and again.