It is 11:31am and I am the only one awake in the house. I have collected dishes to put in the sink, had coffee and created a list of 18 things that must be done today. I am actively trying to anticipate the struggles of the coming year and make plans to ease them. The leftovers were left out last night I wonder if I can heat and eat them...
My goals for the summer include making this place in which we live feel like home. It has been almost two years since "the nightmare" and I find that I am still unable to be at home. I hung pictures for the first time two weeks ago. It was the second time that I had been told that the place that I was renting was not mine. In the first case I allowed an elderly couple who had lost their home stay with me and in the second I was in a moment in which I was giving my all for just a little hope and my very humanity was judged and deemed unworthy. My daughter recalled yesterday the time the old stove shocked her and she momentarily lost feeling in her hand or hands.
The problem with summer is that I am looking at problems. During the school year the problems are there but I must be breadwinner first and that comes with it's own regrets but it is non-negotiable so I keep blinders with me always.
The problem with summer is I sit and think about what a shit job I do all the time. It's terrible to say but I don't often want to hear my children speak. I live at a place... on an edge. I can't pull back or we won't make it but just a word I fear will push me over and when they open their mouths to speak sometimes I find myself raising my shoulders, squeezing my eyes shut and putting my finger over my mouth begging them to stop and allow me to first solve whatever problem is currently on my heart. "Mom, I need shoes." "Mom, I have no pants that fit." "Mom, I'm hungry." "Mom, I'm bored." (There is NEVER a reason to be bored in this house because we don't have everything but we do have books.) "Mom, I am having anxiety." "Mom, get him I'm going to hurt him." "Mom, did you hear what she just said? ... and you're not going to do anything?" In that moment, in those moments, I am frozen. I am breathing. I am not meeting their expectations. I have often wondered what a brain scan would show at that moment.
Over this summer I have to figure out how I am going to pay for school for one child, buy them school clothes, feed them over the next school year, attend their conferences, get to allergy shots, soccer, gymnastics and my own professional development responsibilities. Right now I need to get my car fixed. Money runs out about 2-3 days after each check and I am paid bi-weekly. I pay bills and buy food and there is no more.
If, however, I can use this time wisely, I will have less stress during the school year so I start my days with a to do list, also called a "todo" list.
Above all of that I have to make time to exercise. Oh, 19. Add songs to workout playlist. I only have 2 that really do the job.