The here and now is a place of uncertainty and life threatens only more. Right now I am optimistic ... still life happens and I focus on today. Let me carry and solve today's worries today. I see more coming but they are not yet here and my hands are full.
We've lost our home again. I've rented a town home from a private owner and he doesn't like the condition of the property. My son chased my daughter and kicked a hole in the door when she locked him out. I don't know who started it. A fist went through a wall when the same child was angry. I already went through and fixed the nicks in the walls from moving furniture or whatever else. Time, children and a survival mentality... The closet doors have been a nightmare and won't stay up ... Is that my fault? I have them leaning because I'm not going to put them in to fall on one of my children. I've kept a list of the things I'll need to get fixed... my sense of panic grows with every injury to the property, even the normal wear and tear gives me anxiety because I know that the owners and property managers translate the law in their own interest. I just wanted a patch of earth, a place to grow things. In the next month I will leave behind my tomato's, cantaloupes, watermelons and cucumbers.
Still, as inconvenient and yes, frightening, as it is, I see the possibility for a good turn of all of this, another purge of old mistakes and bad decisions, a second chance, new beginning and the ability to see beyond the moment, a new resolve to be ... successful?... I've still to get there.
I want a home. I want to be abel to invest my energies into a place for me and mine. I don't ever want to have to tell my children that they can't stay with me when they've fallen on hard times. I want a place for us. I am at a complete loss as to how to make that happen.