Friday, September 2, 2016

To Heal

Today I need a miracle.  I pray that I come out of this with my health.  I am again full of anxiety as my money is short and I have to move.  I look at the things that I own; they once had value - to me.  Now it is all trash.  I can't sleep.  I am waking up thinking of every little thing that needs to be done to get us out of here.

Are we all broken?  Are there whole kids who don't break things?  .. who don't play soccer in the house despite numerous warnings....  I just feel like a shit parent.  They need consequences... what would those be?  I take their phones... they like to remind me that I didn't pay for their phones - true... but they  THEY are mine and I take their phones and they wine and moan and decrease the value of my life for as long as I have them.  It doesn't matter.  I am not in a good place right now as the stress is physical... what I went through with regard to housing a couple years ago really scarred me... or may it is still a gaping wound.   It's not just ugly, it hurts.

The kids apologized and made promises and prayed for a new home.

I need to get it together.  Tomorrow I have to think about career but how will I get rid of my sofa, bed frame, old TV...  How will I get my elliptical to the new place.  It weighs a ton... maybe literally.  How am I going to rent a U-Haul... pay the electric bill before it's late...make a car payment...feed the kids... make my student loan payment... I'm tired.  When life sucked as a child I would ask my mother what was wrong she would tell me that she was tired.  Yeah, I get it now.  She recently told me that she received many eviction notices.... for me it's not that.  I pay the rent religiously.  We might be hungry but I'll pay the rent. When things would fall apart I wouldn't do anything, if I couldn't fix it I just left it because I was afraid that if the owner saw it we would lose our home.  I have hated these closet doors since I moved in.  That little panel on the side of the tub drives me crazy.  I don't use the jacuzzi because I think it's gross as it has parts that I can see to clean.  I don't even use that bathtub as a bathtub for the same reason.  I have avoided that which I feared paying to fix but still I have kids and they live as kids do, acting first and apologizing later.

I have been reminded so many times in my life that I am not home.  I'm working on my mindset because everyday I'm closer to my goal of buying a home is a day I'm not going to get back so I have to appreciate the journey, the one moment I actually have.

I'm sad and I'm not sure how to get out of it.  I started to write that I wanted to be carried for once but then pictured a coffin and decided maybe not.  Maybe this is what I get again I kneel and put the weight of my world on my shoulders ... in a moment I'll stand ... and do.

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