Tuesday, December 26, 2017

a previously written cry

I'm trying to figure out, still trying to figure out how to be a whole person, a good parent and still provide all that my children need.  I seem to have missed the mark by a mile and two more are almost grown.  I've had to run away for a moment. 

I'm sitting here trying to think, to find my peace.  I'm begging them daily to do the smallest things to help me and, at best, I get an agreeable word but then I have to ask 4 more times and raise my voice to get a half-assed attempt.  My daughter will deny I ever asked.  My 12-year-olds will either not move at all or make plaintive sounds as they drag their feet until I'm almost screaming at them and ultimately I do most of it myself.  

I'm having my normal meal at Silver Diner.  Vegetarian Chili and a side salad. .. 

Saturday, November 25, 2017


Bills and needs sit constantly on my mind but as I've had enough sleep, I don't feel stressed right now.  Thanksgiving was nice but the house is wrecked right now.  There are plates everywhere.  The counters are yucky.  The refrigerator has NO organization; it is entirely possible that opening the door could cause an avalanche since the children put the food away but I'm at peace right now.  I'm in problem-solving mode.  With a quick prayer that I can keep all of my utilities on until I can schedule the payments, I sit down an begin to plan.  

I have to train the children.  Kind or judgemental relatives are always saying this but what they don't understand is that I haven't been able to figure out how to take care of me, provide for them and teach them.  Something is always sacrificed.  Today I am going to order a chalkboard so that I can put their chores on it and the consequences of not completing those chores.  Repeating myself doesn't work and they don't seek the work that needs to be done so there needs to be a center of operations so they can't claim not to know.  My daughter will deny ever having been told to do anything despite our daily conversations.  

In a moment I am going to give myself 2 hours to clean before sitting down to complete this work for my grad class. I have decided not to write the paper for the classes that I took at the University of Salamanca only because there are better ways to increase my income in the time that I've been given.  I could do it for pride or to say I did but that's all.  I will continue with that course of study as long as it continues to inform my professional practice but as always this time of year I am thinking more about what I would most enjoy dedicating my time to.  

If I can complete these things today, I will be able to complete some work and plan for work tomorrow and I can walk into the work week prepared and balanced.   

I've learned some things over this short holiday: put sleep first, diet second and put exercise third
then only will I have will and the strength to do everything else that must be done.  Will I go to the gym today? 

I have to find the will go to the gym.  It's so much more complicated in the cold.

Sunday, November 19, 2017


Another weekend squandered...kind of.   I watched some episodes of The Punisher, did a lot of laundry, cooked, did dishes, went grocery shopping... and still there is so much more to do.  I haven't even located the book that I must read to meet my biggest goal this weekend.

I have eaten all manner of junk food this weekend and feel every bit of it as my cold hangs on...
I have to refocus a bit on eating and sleeping for balance. I have long considered myself a healthy eater, this week I realized that I am a healthy eater because I don't give myself other options and that if I have other options I will make bad decisions.  This week has shown me that.  It was the single cookie, the one piece of chocolate, the bacon on my salad, the food from the restaurant (too much salt!) and cumulatively I did not make good decisions.   Each one of these things seems so small but really underscore the importance of consistently good decisions.  I haven't been to the gym because I have a cold and I haven't don't what I need to do to shake the cold.  This is another of my resets.

It is so difficult to be switching gears to getting out of debt right around the holidays.  It would be easy to get them a few cheap things but I don't believe in wasting money especially money that I already owe to others.  I don't like the idea of buying things to buy things.  Things take up space and waste valuable resources.  I don't want to get anything that doesn't enrich their lives in some way.   With as little as I'm able to buy them they somehow still end up so spoiled and entitled anyway.  It's kind of an American problem, I think.   We talk about kindness a lot.  This week we'll focus on gratefulness.

Friday, November 10, 2017

Truth (Written previously but posted today)

This day has been a long one filled with things that I must do.  I'm exhausted and breaking.  I woke up at 3am and unable to get back to sleep I wiped down the kitchen counters and got ready to go to work.  I could barely keep my eyes open by the afternoon and still I had a meeting after work that I had to attend; it was across town.  I had 3 cups of coffee today. I took a power nap in the car.  I finally get back home and I'm met with that thing that I cannot hold.  Again, sleep eludes me.  It is a curse.

I just need for everyone to be okay.  What do you do when they need so much more than you can give.  I feel my heart closing, protecting itself.  I have no pity.  I just need to be able to get up tomorrow and face my responsibilities.  How can I fight your demons when I'm hardly enough to feed you?  I'm exhausted there is nothing to fill me and you want more... somewhere in the recesses of my mind I understand and wish I could fix it.

What a Week!

At the end of a week of accepting all challenges and opportunities,  I came home with a bit of a sore throat, took a shower and went to bed.  I woke up with a raging sore throat, a stuffy nose, and a just feeling tired.  I dressed for the gym and took myself out to breakfast I parked outside but ultimately I didn't go into the gym, better I heal before I walk into another full week of challenges. 

I've had connection on my mind a lot lately but when I'm always accepting these challenges I'm not left with much time to figure out the whole connection thing, or even to really contemplate it.  I find it is my last thought each night as I drift off to sleep,  just a question.   Though I won't go to the gym today I haven't given up on working out and of course, Jillian Michaels is my favorite for a quick high-intensity workout. I got rid of the old DVD player during the move so I'll have to see if I can find something on YouTube.

Sleep eludes me as the children keep popping in to share snippets of their doings with me.  Apparently, I am the best audience seconds before REM.  So I gave up and decided to do this. 

Despite feeling crummy, I have to say I'm feeling optimistic about life in general.  I don't have it solved but it feels possible.  I have a few dollars to afford the gas for our trips to soccer games this weekend and then to buy the snacks and food he'll need for this tournament.  It's going to be a tight week and I still have to figure out lunches.

Maybe I should go for a walk today too.  I'm not feeling even a little creative. 

I read my son the first few pages of Mary Shelly's Frankenstein.  We'll have to keep reading. 

Saturday, October 28, 2017


I was thinking about why I do this.  I write to write, but I also write to remember the journey. As I hope not to continue this particular struggle in perpetuity, though I sometimes wonder if this is all there is and if I need to find a way to embrace it, enjoy it even... I think it will be important to remember what I felt during this struggle, what I now feel.  I know that the struggles don't end, that we are wired to create them and when I have gotten to a point in which I am no longer creating struggles, well, I may have fulfilled my purpose.

It is a puzzle I'm trying to crack.  How do you survive this so that you can be present when your children have their own?  How do you enjoy this day enough to find the strength to be present in the next?  How do you keep enough hope to keep working a bit harder than others?  How do you keep wanting it?  How do you keep dreaming?  How do you keep believing that the children can come out of this unscathed and still be whole, happy, successful contributors to society?  How can you ensure that they have the respect of others AND their own?  What do you teach them when you no longer believe?  How do you keep your doubts to yourself?    Is it possible to truly be enough?

In this country with our false doctrine of self-reliance and our pretend protections of the sanctity of life there comes a time when the struggle to continue to buy in is real.  How do we who must truly protect the sanctity of life continue to find hope?  How do we heal?

I'm all questions and my writing is simply a search for strategies to find make hope.  I so bought into the puritan work ethic and the idea that salvation is attainable through work that I have to almost forcibly overcome my guilt on days like this when I need a moment to rest or a moment without active work toward a goal.

Saturday... heavy quiet.

It's a bit of a lazy day or a slow day. I got up, read Twitter for a bit, made tea, baked apples, put beans in the crockpot and thought about going to the gym.  My hair is in it's most natural state, I'm still in my jammies.  I'm finishing up my 2nd cup of coffee.  I'm confident that the strength to finish the laundry is somewhere near the bottom and with any luck there will be some strength to go to the gym in there too.

I'm in that space between paychecks in which I need to count my pennies to see how much lunch and dinner, in that order, I will be able to afford for the week.  Oh, and a tank of gas is also a necessity lest my house of cards plunge. It is a beans week, bean soup, beans and rice, all kinds of beans.

I took a good look at the bills and am trying to come up with a plan for the next year.  Right now it's not looking so good but my people here deserve more opportunity.  I will find a way.   I have to finish my online coursework, that will help a little bit.  I would so like to study for the pleasure of studying, but I study to earn.  I think I will make that a goal for this weekend.  At least to write all of the summaries and reflections.

I need to shift to getting out of debt again but at the same time present needs crop up.  I breathe and steel myself.  It'll be fine.  I picked out a dining room table that I would like and a painting.  I have been looking at tables since before I closed on the house and none of them really spoke to me.  I love this table and I cannot afford it but I will not settle.  I will wait.

I've got to pay the electric bill. It'll be fine.... bills.

My son bounces a soccer ball outside; it's nervewracking.

But behind all of the worry and scrounging for cents I feel profoundly grateful as my children play in the tree outside.

Using just a sliver of my attention to "watch" Finding Forrester with my Bo.

Friday, October 27, 2017

This week I experienced such a smooth deftness with words that I had to smile.  I seldom enjoy conversations that much.

Friday, October 20, 2017

End-of-Week Purge

On Parenting

This week I vowed to never again make excuses to my children on their father's behalf.  I reached out and asked that he spend some time with the children so that I could have a moment to regroup and he (with the writing assistance of his partner) responded with such absolute disdain.  What I didn't realize years ago was that it wouldn't be enough to leave, that there would be stages of letting go.  The kids and I sat down and talked and they were so clear, so sweet.   I got that text and it made me feel strong again.  I had been feeling so tired and just frustrated and losing sight of my goals and the faith that I could achieve them.  I had held out some belief that he cared about them and in the span of a text he told me that he didn't and that there would be no more pretending.  ...and the matter was settled.  I would never again need to waste any energy trying to protect and nourish the relationship between father and child.  One less thing on my shoulders.  My prayer is to be enough.


It's been an exhausting week and what lies before me seems to be so much more than what is within me.  I know this shouldn't be.  For a moment I was distracted but it served to remind me what it is that I really want.  I see it now.  For a moment I stepped out of survival mode and knew with absolute clarity.  I was able to see beyond this moment...


The house is a mess! In a moment I will make a cup of tea and start cleaning.  I have to do dishes and vacuum and wipe down counters... but perhaps the most important thing I have to do is to write a manual for my children.  I am looking forward to it.  I am going to write a reference book that explains to them how to clean the house and how to maintain access to their freedoms and technology.  I wrote explicit instructions for my daughter once, to be funny but she was so thankful that I decided that I need to write the book. 

blah, blah, blah... I'm trying to keep writing but there is work to do ALWAYS! 'ugh

Thursday, August 10, 2017


A moment to just be...

Exhausted from hoping, I sit here on the porch and wait.  The kids sleep, thankfully.  I washed dishes and started the laundry, again.  It's cool and the breeze on my skin feels good, it's calming.  Summer dwindles and I sit in uncertainty.  There are times that I am an aggressive doer and there are times when there doesn't seem to be more to be done.  I know that it will take some effort on my part to nail down the housing situation for the school year but at this exact moment, I can do nothing about it.  

What to do today and other musings

I'll organize today. In a moment I will call and check on what R- said he contributed toward the process.  I sit here looking at the pick-up truck that belongs to someone from the construction site, a proud Va Tech alumnus.  I ponder the information we sell ourselves with, the groups we attach ourselves to.  Do we advertise so that like minded souls will seek us out?  I was in the drive through the other day and the woman in the car behind me honked and yelled out the window to let me know we were sister Bernie supporters and Dr. Who lovers.

Morning as usual

My little boy wakes up and joins me on the porch and for the moment he's quiet.  It helps that we live next to a construction site.  It hasn't been all blessings with the noise and traffic... but in this moment they seem to have his attention although the construction is almost finished.  It's relatively quiet a few people are milling about doing small tasks.

Child Support

I was waiting for a payment to use toward our home.  More than 1/3 of it was put toward administrative fees.  This is another one of those moments in which I feel that I can't win.  


Saturday, August 5, 2017

Finding Focus... searching....

I sit here awaiting word from the universe that it will be okay and I will again find hope.  That is to say, feeling hopeless and not even knowing where to begin thought.  I need to reign in my dreams and plans and reevaluate what is in front of me.  What do I actually have?  What can I actually do?  

If I cannot buy the house, where can I find a quiet place for me?  I have to locate my blinders and put them back on to get through this school year.  I'm so heavy hearted.  

I wake up early to be alone and think and my precious little boy wakes up with me every morning and follows me around talking about soccer.  I am a terrible listener.  At first, I just put my finger over my lips and plead with him for silence.  I sit on the porch and read and he brings a book and joins me.  After a while, he starts talking again and I try to listen for a bit but the conversation is without end and I must again beg for quiet.    

What I do know is that I am going to have to make some moves to protect me.  I don't know what or how but there doesn't seem to be the slightest place in my life without people demanding something of me.  Last year I would have a few minutes in my classroom to gather my thoughts.  This year I will have to find someplace to think and be still.  I will probably spend a lot of time in my car sitting, listening to podcasts and looking at the clouds.

I've spent my summer so far waiting and I need movement.  It will require a plan.

Friday, August 4, 2017


So just when I thought I could reach out and touch it my dream started to float away and I can't reach it and I have to think about, hope for something else.  I wanted that house so much.  In my mind, I had had coffee and planted flowers and put a bench on the porch.  I had organized and decorated the children's rooms.  I had gotten up early to write and sat in my space to quietly disconnect in the evenings.  I had chosen a place to read.  I'd planted an herb garden. I could see myself getting home from work.  I had picked out a meditation bench and a window to put it in front of.  I have two more attempts ahead of me.  If it comes through I will be able to devote this part of my brain to better things.  It just keeps getting more and more difficult.

I Ask for Help

I'm exhausted.  I don't know what even the near future holds but I know that it will ask much of me.  I've had to ask for help and it is among my least favorite things to do.  The kids want the house so badly that they've taken to asking their father for his help and they get off the phone wounded.  My daughter cried, her twin quietly asked to go take a walk after hanging up.  My younger twins just trust in him and I do dare to hope that he will come through for us.   I need to come up with $4,000 for the downpayment on the house and I feel like I'm standing at a brick wall. I'm fresh out of ideas.  I am left with just a bit of faith that their father can come through for us.  I don't like to ask him.

In a moment I am going to prepare myself to go through what my children have and the fact that I'm dreading it so very much suggests that it doesn't really get easier.  I've been telling them that it does, that in adulthood they will make peace with whatever relationship they can salvage/build with their father.  I am still disappointed in my own and still need for him to like me as silly as that sounds.

After all of the protest over Confederate, I decided that I wanted to watch Man in the High Tower on Amazon.  I have to say that it was good even though they really did tackle the unthinkable (which sadly was really thought of) Yesterday was truly wasted. All day I was about to call but I didn't.  I feel guilty if I watch more than one show usually and when the school year starts again I save most of my television viewing for the weekend.  I want to see Confederate.  I was immediately intrigued but given the climate these days I accept that maybe we're not ready as I too am seeing that we have not made the progress we thought we had.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017


My favorite get away spot is wearing out. I'm at Silver Diner trying to collect my thoughts and have a bit of me time but the dishes I like most I can't afford indulge in often and I've tired of both bacon and scrambled eggs.  Foods are very easily ruined for me and floppy over salted bacon did it.  That being said they have no competition so I'm here again eating a side salad, coffee, and two fried eggs - for breakfast....and thinking, trying to release the hope that keeps leading to such profound disappointments in my life. 

Sunday, July 23, 2017

A Prayer

This week my prayer is to be able to live in each moment so that I don't feel anxiety about my tomorrows.  

I give thanks for the smaller miracles of which I have been the beneficiary of so many. 

This week I prepare for the next blessing and live in acceptance of whatever face it takes. 

Friday, July 21, 2017

Summer Healing

I started working out again today and left the gym feeling calm and tired.  It was nice.  My brain has been working overtime.  I chauffeured my daughter around and read in the car while she went into stores and bought nothing.  Perhaps I'll be able to finish reading my book tomorrow.  I may be able to really sleep tonight.  If not, I will be quitting coffee - again.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

My First Completed Read of the Summer

Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal.  -Freidrich Nietzsche

Yesterday I read the book Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life  by Gary John Bishop

This book is a good start to becoming the protagonist of your own story, owning your failures and successes and analyzing both.  I seldom feel that I am a victim but sometimes when things continuously go wrong and I'm exhausted, especially when I'm exhausted,  it does begin to feel like life is happening to me in spite of all I do.  The book gives affirmations and explains why they are important.

The idea that you are "winning at the life you have" really gets one to think about the decisions they've made and continue to make that have led to whatever you're unhappy with about yourself or your life at this moment.  The first affirmation is, "I am willing"  and begins with asking yourself the question, "Am I willing?"  This is powerful because there is no wiggle room, no room for excuses or justification.  If I am willing, I begin the work that I need to do to change and if I am not willing then I quit deluding myself.   This was linked to the second affirmation, "I am wired to win."  If I am indeed wired to win then I need to begin to make winning happen not just think about it and hope for it.  I need to make a detailed plan.

Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it. - Kahlil Gibran

The third affirmation, "I've got this" was about perspective and how we tend to blow things out of proportion.  Life has ups and downs and we work through them.  If history is any judge, well, I"ve got this.  It was about the importance of looking at things from a distance to get a better, more realistic perspective.

The next one I will reread, "I embrace uncertainty."  As I read I remembered a girl who did; she reveled in it but she became a mother of many and uncertainty hasn't since been her friend.  She = I am going to have to learn again to embrace the uncertainty that is life.  A quick reflection will show you can always count on life to surprise you and they're not all happy surprises.

"I'm not my thoughts; I am what I do"  THIS is why I bought the book, to get out of my head and into my life!  I think and think and go through every possible scenario experiencing both the positive and negative emotions that go with all that might be but when I focus on doing, I find peace...

"I am relentless."  I may have to say this one to myself daily.  I recently experienced a great disappointment and felt truly crushed.  It was something that I had worked toward for years and I felt misled and cheated.  I have since set new goals that are loftier but I've also realized that I need to make a list of everyday goals, a list of smaller, sweeter things so that I don't forget to live.

The final affirmation of the book is, "I expect nothing and accept everything."  I expect nothing and accept everything, I expect nothing and accept everything, I expect nothing and accept everything...  MUCH easier said than done but I can see how this is a healthy mindset.  Having no expectations means never being disappointed.  I like the idea but can't really imagine how to separate one's self from expectation.  When does hope turn to expectation because IT also precedes disappointment? desire..?.  The idea in the book is that the expectation is your own creation of what things should be or how they should turn out.  It is your own fabrication that causes the greatest disappointment.  I guess it is hard for me to separate that from vision.  This is one I will continue to meditate on.

I really enjoyed the book.  I was going to find a job this summer and I still may but during the summer I read.  I plan for the next school year and I read. Teachers need to rest and invest their non-teaching time wisely.  This has been lovely.  I've been spending mornings sitting in the car with a cup of coffee, reading.  When I get to the bottom of my cup I begin to feel the strength to do laundry, dishes, and planning for the children's day that I must do.
Summer peace for moms: drinking coffee alone in the car in the morning and taking calls in the bathroom.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Insomnia - Day 4 without caffeine

So everything is a mess.  There is folded laundry all over the sofa, dirty dishes on the counter and in the sink and clean dishes in the dishwasher.  There are books in front of the bookshelf and papers covering my desk and around my room on the floor even...and as disappointed as I am by the look of it all I seem to be unable to make myself fix it right now consumed as I am with ... with ... progress?

Two things happened today that made me want to throw in the towel and look beyond the here again.  I think I'll be okay with whatever happens because it will mean that I stay and fight or I work to move on.  I'll be alright with either.

I want to wake up early every morning to sit in my office and write.  I want to find the stories I have lived and imagined and get them bound neatly in leather for posterity.  I want to stand in my window and drink tea, and make plans.  I want to be able to enjoy a moment in which everyone is okay or working on getting there and understanding about how life is and I want to be secure in the knowledge that I've taught them how to appreciate the journey and enjoy the stories that are their lives, in all of their fullness and complexity.

Breathing Exercises

Today's disappointment is in the business that I trusted to evaluate my international credits.  It would seem that they are unscrupulous.  I had two peers who did the same program and they received more credit than I did.  I have to rest up and save up for the fight.

I think I've been walking in a certain direction because doors have been opening but maybe it's time for a change.  I need to get through this next month and then rethink some things.

So, I left my children to study for two summers in Spain thinking that it was going to translate to a raise for me and it only worked out that way for my peers.  They gave me about half the credits and refused to reevaluate.  They say that I have to send my evaluation back with my peers but that could threaten their livelihood because it seems to me that this company is going to make the easiest decision.   They seem to have only looked at the website in my case when in fact they should have some way for how they evaluate my specific program as it is not the first time they have evaluated it.

I decided to look up reviews and I see so many people upset with their practices.  I guess I have to order my transcripts again and start over with a credible business.

It is so hard to keep picking myself up from these disappointments.  I can't sleep.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Some loveliness that I have lived...

I have traveled to 10 countries, been somehow gifted with 7 funny, healthy, amazing children. I have carried  2 sets of twins to term and we have all survived the deliveries.  I have made some very special friends who have taught me many important lessons, among them, not to take myself to seriously.  (I'm still working on that one.)  I have felt my heart break in slow motion, more than once and survived to tell the tale, and even outlived the pain...

Day 3

It's day 3 without caffeine.  My spirits scrape the ground and my processing slows.  I still recognize and admire a quick wit ... but somehow from further away.  I've been falling asleep in books.  Sleep is sweeter.  Time is ....   I'm trying to decide if I'm quitting or just kind of detoxing.

I'm not as down as I was yesterday but I do feel like I'm waiting for something and my mind is still leaning toward all that can go wrong. I find myself borrowing worries from way down the road.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Digging Out

I've somehow ended up in the doldrums.  Walking from the kitchen to the living room to the bedroom and back.  Arriving at the same dead end again and again.  How can I be more than I am?  When the evaluation of my credits came back wrong it really took my breath away because I had already planned my next step. ...just....keep... moving...  Except that I'm not, not yet.  That's how it works for me, when one thing goes wrong I stop and look at everything that might go wrong in the near future.  On one level it seems, well, fatalistic but on another it allows me to avoid some struggles.

Today I haven't lifted myself up.  I've paced, done a little laundry, cooked a couple of times and then stewed in a kind of helplessness that, well, isn't me.  What if they say no?  Or what if they want more money?  The what-ifs have held me hostage for days when I really just need to lift my head up and be possible.  I feel like the ignorance of my earlier youth ;) lent itself to that, to 'being possible', just because.  The fear was always too late and the doubt didn't exist.

Just now I am so small and the world and what it requires of me is so great and squaring my shoulders before was preceded by a roar and now it's preceded by a sigh and followed by doubt because it doesn't make as much sense as it should.  How do I rekindle my fire, my zeal, my ferocity?

I'm having an existential crisis.

Purging and Organizing My Thoughts...

Three weeks from closing on the house and I feel sick.  I don't know what happened with my credit report.  Should I dispute it again?  Should I sue?  I'm stuck in this state of worry.  This morning I woke up, went to the bathroom like I was going to begin my day.  I brushed my teeth and washed my face and then crawled back into bed to think...  thinking... what I don't have is disposable income, not now.

Yesterday was my first day without caffeine.  I think I ate 1/2 box of Honey Nut Cheerios - just because.  Tonight I have to get to bed at a decent time.  I have to balance if I am going to be able to face any of the challenges ahead of me.

I updated my resume but haven't turned in any job applications.  Summer is so important for me.  It is time to be a mom.

I've started the Mutu System to strengthen my core and close my diastasis recti.  One of the initial videos talks about food.  We are down to beans, split peas, and lentils, a few onions, some wilted carrots, a little kale, 1 pack of chicken that the kids have been asking for every day and some almond milk.  Oh, we do have a 1/2 gallon of regular milk and a few more than a dozen eggs.   That food has to last a week.  When she talks about eating mostly fruits and veggies, well, I have no fruit and it doesn't last in my house anyway.  I try to buy some kind of fruit once every 2 weeks.

Today I will organize my papers, complete the laundry, and start my exercises... if I can find something to exercise with...

As I am really focused on bills (as usual) and the house I am unable to entertain the children this summer so they spend most of their time in the house driving me crazy... playing loudly like we don't live on the second floor of an apartment building.  So many times a day I yell, "We have neighbors!!! My older daughter's conversations start with, "Mom, you know what I want..." and then she launches into a list of things that take my breath away.  By the time I was her age I had already been working for two years.  She is 16.  I'm tired.

Today I must make some calls about part-time jobs.  I think what's holding me back is that I want to be with my children.  I just don't know what closing will bring and frankly I'm afraid that all worked for and dreamed up to this point will be snatched away from me when I'm this close... and again I can't breathe.

I've given up sugar and I'm out of honey.  My tea consists of a teabag and water.  I like milk in my tea but I'm trying to give that up too and almond milk is no good in tea.

Okay!  Now for what's good.

The kids are still asleep.
I can do something to resolve this in the next two weeks.
All things are possible... right?

I'll organize my thoughts later...

Friday, July 7, 2017


I spent the morning looking at my credit report.  It made me sad. I think one of my creditors took off a collection and then put it back on.  I asked for verification but what they sent me isn't sufficient.  I tried to call the hospital listed to get some clarity from them - no luck.  They don't even have a phone number listed on the report.  Meanwhile, I'm just trying to figure out why my score dipped.

Thursday, July 6, 2017


Feeling heavy-- literally and figuratively.  The scale refuses to budge.  The kids keep requesting...they're bored, they're hungry... I look frantically in every direction -- just more of the same.

I had my coursework from Spain evaluated and was given just over 1/2 the value my peers got- and not for grades.  I need that raise.  I worked for that raise. I sent a letter of dispute and hope its corrected quickly and that they don't ask for more money.  

I'm sitting in Silver Diner for some "me time".  Deep breaths. ... I'm not handling stress well and I don't know how to fix it. I've stepped up my workouts every day... and still.  

Just realized I can't even enjoy my food. I wish I'd just thunderstorm all day. Instead it's just overcast. This morning I sat in bed for more than an hour and listened to the rain.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017


Though I had transitioned to a new blog I find that things are in so many ways the same as ever and so I find myself writing here again.

Summer break is here and I am floundering... lacking direction.  I find that I lack motivation.

At this moment...

... and as I sat there under the weight of all that was before me, the decision to let go was made. I had one of those never again moments.  The lack of understanding in that call took my breath away and transported me back to another time, a time when I chose to pull away and to live.  The time of my greatest joys and my deepest hurts.   The one person I expected to understand how I felt, refused to.

I know that I get this from my mother.  She is surrounded by stresses and so she puts on blinders and focuses on the little things, the dog, the plants, recycling...  She doesn't dwell on those things that have stolen so much joy from her but neither does she change them.  In a way she enables those who would rob her of her joy, she doesn't fight for her right to be all that she is.  I'm angry for her but my anger isn't welcome.  It increases her stress level because she will not face those things and doesn't want to be forced to.  But I have heard her anger, have felt her hurt that she swallows.  She has been diminished in so many ways.  This beautiful, intelligent, once unstoppable woman only knows to die to herself.  Those who thought they could love without respect, who fed their ego with her will,  won't remember or perhaps ever know the pain they caused because she would have carried the blame to her grave in the name of peace.  I don't want to be that.

 ... on another note

I sent an email asking if one might recommend me for a job for the summer.  I got a list of other places to apply to.  I washed clothes and dishes and looked at all of the chipped cups and broken sets as somehow a metaphor for my life.

As I sit here my phone dings, someone is texting me.  Is it a conversation I refuse to have or is it my daughter?... or is it some retailer notifying me of some sale that I can't indulge in?

I'm going to have to take up meditation.

Monday, July 3, 2017


I haven't processed my thoughts, feelings, and emotions in so long that this is sure to seem clumsy, frantic.  I am again in an avoidance phase.  My son asked why I don't return his text messages.  It is because no one calls me to shoot the breeze that I find human interactions so burdensome.

Some years ago I was going to try to reconnect and now I just want to let go and put distance between myself and the things that weigh me down.  I have to find a way not to let other people's noise distract me.  Literally, my interactions with people sit on my chest.   Today I will again go to the gym and try to find some sort of balance that way.  

I sit to write and one of my 11-year-olds sits next to me and listens to rap music too loudly.  Later today I will take it away from him.  He's not allowed to even listen to what he's listening to and I feel it, all of it. As the kids wake up, the laundry is 1/2 done, I worry about the closing and how I don't have a downpayment, not much of one anyway.  I have to make my peace with the possibility that we may not get a home this year and it brings me to tears. I want it.  I can afford the mortgage but I don't have thousands to put down on a home.  -- I get up, take his phone, take off his headphones and toss both into his room onto his bed --

I'm looking around and I don't even know where to begin.  There's laundry to be dried and folded.  The dishes need to be washed.  I need to organize my papers and throw away old mail.  I need to find a backbone.  All of the everyday tasks are detracting from my ability to parent.

I know that some of the anxiety that I feel (most) is about the home.  It will mean so much to me to finally have a place for us.  I have work to do...

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Me time...

My habit of not asking questions has landed me at a Japanese restaurant with chop sticks that I don't know how to use. Wiki How saves the day yet again!

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, March 31, 2017


Sometimes I want more...
I want Saturdays and laughter and bike rides and road trips and I stop dreaming and begin planning...

But then I'm reminded that survival is my job and I put my shoulder to the grindstone once again.

I'm reminded that it is not a job for one and the cost may be my definition of success.

I'm not equipped to handle the emotional mine field that is raising teenagers πŸ˜”.

Sent from my iPhone