Wednesday, July 26, 2017


My favorite get away spot is wearing out. I'm at Silver Diner trying to collect my thoughts and have a bit of me time but the dishes I like most I can't afford indulge in often and I've tired of both bacon and scrambled eggs.  Foods are very easily ruined for me and floppy over salted bacon did it.  That being said they have no competition so I'm here again eating a side salad, coffee, and two fried eggs - for breakfast....and thinking, trying to release the hope that keeps leading to such profound disappointments in my life. 

Sunday, July 23, 2017

A Prayer

This week my prayer is to be able to live in each moment so that I don't feel anxiety about my tomorrows.  

I give thanks for the smaller miracles of which I have been the beneficiary of so many. 

This week I prepare for the next blessing and live in acceptance of whatever face it takes. 

Friday, July 21, 2017

Summer Healing

I started working out again today and left the gym feeling calm and tired.  It was nice.  My brain has been working overtime.  I chauffeured my daughter around and read in the car while she went into stores and bought nothing.  Perhaps I'll be able to finish reading my book tomorrow.  I may be able to really sleep tonight.  If not, I will be quitting coffee - again.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

My First Completed Read of the Summer

Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal.  -Freidrich Nietzsche

Yesterday I read the book Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life  by Gary John Bishop

This book is a good start to becoming the protagonist of your own story, owning your failures and successes and analyzing both.  I seldom feel that I am a victim but sometimes when things continuously go wrong and I'm exhausted, especially when I'm exhausted,  it does begin to feel like life is happening to me in spite of all I do.  The book gives affirmations and explains why they are important.

The idea that you are "winning at the life you have" really gets one to think about the decisions they've made and continue to make that have led to whatever you're unhappy with about yourself or your life at this moment.  The first affirmation is, "I am willing"  and begins with asking yourself the question, "Am I willing?"  This is powerful because there is no wiggle room, no room for excuses or justification.  If I am willing, I begin the work that I need to do to change and if I am not willing then I quit deluding myself.   This was linked to the second affirmation, "I am wired to win."  If I am indeed wired to win then I need to begin to make winning happen not just think about it and hope for it.  I need to make a detailed plan.

Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it. - Kahlil Gibran

The third affirmation, "I've got this" was about perspective and how we tend to blow things out of proportion.  Life has ups and downs and we work through them.  If history is any judge, well, I"ve got this.  It was about the importance of looking at things from a distance to get a better, more realistic perspective.

The next one I will reread, "I embrace uncertainty."  As I read I remembered a girl who did; she reveled in it but she became a mother of many and uncertainty hasn't since been her friend.  She = I am going to have to learn again to embrace the uncertainty that is life.  A quick reflection will show you can always count on life to surprise you and they're not all happy surprises.

"I'm not my thoughts; I am what I do"  THIS is why I bought the book, to get out of my head and into my life!  I think and think and go through every possible scenario experiencing both the positive and negative emotions that go with all that might be but when I focus on doing, I find peace...

"I am relentless."  I may have to say this one to myself daily.  I recently experienced a great disappointment and felt truly crushed.  It was something that I had worked toward for years and I felt misled and cheated.  I have since set new goals that are loftier but I've also realized that I need to make a list of everyday goals, a list of smaller, sweeter things so that I don't forget to live.

The final affirmation of the book is, "I expect nothing and accept everything."  I expect nothing and accept everything, I expect nothing and accept everything, I expect nothing and accept everything...  MUCH easier said than done but I can see how this is a healthy mindset.  Having no expectations means never being disappointed.  I like the idea but can't really imagine how to separate one's self from expectation.  When does hope turn to expectation because IT also precedes disappointment? desire..?.  The idea in the book is that the expectation is your own creation of what things should be or how they should turn out.  It is your own fabrication that causes the greatest disappointment.  I guess it is hard for me to separate that from vision.  This is one I will continue to meditate on.

I really enjoyed the book.  I was going to find a job this summer and I still may but during the summer I read.  I plan for the next school year and I read. Teachers need to rest and invest their non-teaching time wisely.  This has been lovely.  I've been spending mornings sitting in the car with a cup of coffee, reading.  When I get to the bottom of my cup I begin to feel the strength to do laundry, dishes, and planning for the children's day that I must do.
Summer peace for moms: drinking coffee alone in the car in the morning and taking calls in the bathroom.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Insomnia - Day 4 without caffeine

So everything is a mess.  There is folded laundry all over the sofa, dirty dishes on the counter and in the sink and clean dishes in the dishwasher.  There are books in front of the bookshelf and papers covering my desk and around my room on the floor even...and as disappointed as I am by the look of it all I seem to be unable to make myself fix it right now consumed as I am with ... with ... progress?

Two things happened today that made me want to throw in the towel and look beyond the here again.  I think I'll be okay with whatever happens because it will mean that I stay and fight or I work to move on.  I'll be alright with either.

I want to wake up early every morning to sit in my office and write.  I want to find the stories I have lived and imagined and get them bound neatly in leather for posterity.  I want to stand in my window and drink tea, and make plans.  I want to be able to enjoy a moment in which everyone is okay or working on getting there and understanding about how life is and I want to be secure in the knowledge that I've taught them how to appreciate the journey and enjoy the stories that are their lives, in all of their fullness and complexity.

Breathing Exercises

Today's disappointment is in the business that I trusted to evaluate my international credits.  It would seem that they are unscrupulous.  I had two peers who did the same program and they received more credit than I did.  I have to rest up and save up for the fight.

I think I've been walking in a certain direction because doors have been opening but maybe it's time for a change.  I need to get through this next month and then rethink some things.

So, I left my children to study for two summers in Spain thinking that it was going to translate to a raise for me and it only worked out that way for my peers.  They gave me about half the credits and refused to reevaluate.  They say that I have to send my evaluation back with my peers but that could threaten their livelihood because it seems to me that this company is going to make the easiest decision.   They seem to have only looked at the website in my case when in fact they should have some way for how they evaluate my specific program as it is not the first time they have evaluated it.

I decided to look up reviews and I see so many people upset with their practices.  I guess I have to order my transcripts again and start over with a credible business.

It is so hard to keep picking myself up from these disappointments.  I can't sleep.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Some loveliness that I have lived...

I have traveled to 10 countries, been somehow gifted with 7 funny, healthy, amazing children. I have carried  2 sets of twins to term and we have all survived the deliveries.  I have made some very special friends who have taught me many important lessons, among them, not to take myself to seriously.  (I'm still working on that one.)  I have felt my heart break in slow motion, more than once and survived to tell the tale, and even outlived the pain...

Day 3

It's day 3 without caffeine.  My spirits scrape the ground and my processing slows.  I still recognize and admire a quick wit ... but somehow from further away.  I've been falling asleep in books.  Sleep is sweeter.  Time is ....   I'm trying to decide if I'm quitting or just kind of detoxing.

I'm not as down as I was yesterday but I do feel like I'm waiting for something and my mind is still leaning toward all that can go wrong. I find myself borrowing worries from way down the road.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Digging Out

I've somehow ended up in the doldrums.  Walking from the kitchen to the living room to the bedroom and back.  Arriving at the same dead end again and again.  How can I be more than I am?  When the evaluation of my credits came back wrong it really took my breath away because I had already planned my next step. ...just....keep... moving...  Except that I'm not, not yet.  That's how it works for me, when one thing goes wrong I stop and look at everything that might go wrong in the near future.  On one level it seems, well, fatalistic but on another it allows me to avoid some struggles.

Today I haven't lifted myself up.  I've paced, done a little laundry, cooked a couple of times and then stewed in a kind of helplessness that, well, isn't me.  What if they say no?  Or what if they want more money?  The what-ifs have held me hostage for days when I really just need to lift my head up and be possible.  I feel like the ignorance of my earlier youth ;) lent itself to that, to 'being possible', just because.  The fear was always too late and the doubt didn't exist.

Just now I am so small and the world and what it requires of me is so great and squaring my shoulders before was preceded by a roar and now it's preceded by a sigh and followed by doubt because it doesn't make as much sense as it should.  How do I rekindle my fire, my zeal, my ferocity?

I'm having an existential crisis.

Purging and Organizing My Thoughts...

Three weeks from closing on the house and I feel sick.  I don't know what happened with my credit report.  Should I dispute it again?  Should I sue?  I'm stuck in this state of worry.  This morning I woke up, went to the bathroom like I was going to begin my day.  I brushed my teeth and washed my face and then crawled back into bed to think...  thinking... what I don't have is disposable income, not now.

Yesterday was my first day without caffeine.  I think I ate 1/2 box of Honey Nut Cheerios - just because.  Tonight I have to get to bed at a decent time.  I have to balance if I am going to be able to face any of the challenges ahead of me.

I updated my resume but haven't turned in any job applications.  Summer is so important for me.  It is time to be a mom.

I've started the Mutu System to strengthen my core and close my diastasis recti.  One of the initial videos talks about food.  We are down to beans, split peas, and lentils, a few onions, some wilted carrots, a little kale, 1 pack of chicken that the kids have been asking for every day and some almond milk.  Oh, we do have a 1/2 gallon of regular milk and a few more than a dozen eggs.   That food has to last a week.  When she talks about eating mostly fruits and veggies, well, I have no fruit and it doesn't last in my house anyway.  I try to buy some kind of fruit once every 2 weeks.

Today I will organize my papers, complete the laundry, and start my exercises... if I can find something to exercise with...

As I am really focused on bills (as usual) and the house I am unable to entertain the children this summer so they spend most of their time in the house driving me crazy... playing loudly like we don't live on the second floor of an apartment building.  So many times a day I yell, "We have neighbors!!! My older daughter's conversations start with, "Mom, you know what I want..." and then she launches into a list of things that take my breath away.  By the time I was her age I had already been working for two years.  She is 16.  I'm tired.

Today I must make some calls about part-time jobs.  I think what's holding me back is that I want to be with my children.  I just don't know what closing will bring and frankly I'm afraid that all worked for and dreamed up to this point will be snatched away from me when I'm this close... and again I can't breathe.

I've given up sugar and I'm out of honey.  My tea consists of a teabag and water.  I like milk in my tea but I'm trying to give that up too and almond milk is no good in tea.

Okay!  Now for what's good.

The kids are still asleep.
I can do something to resolve this in the next two weeks.
All things are possible... right?

I'll organize my thoughts later...

Friday, July 7, 2017


I spent the morning looking at my credit report.  It made me sad. I think one of my creditors took off a collection and then put it back on.  I asked for verification but what they sent me isn't sufficient.  I tried to call the hospital listed to get some clarity from them - no luck.  They don't even have a phone number listed on the report.  Meanwhile, I'm just trying to figure out why my score dipped.

Thursday, July 6, 2017


Feeling heavy-- literally and figuratively.  The scale refuses to budge.  The kids keep requesting...they're bored, they're hungry... I look frantically in every direction -- just more of the same.

I had my coursework from Spain evaluated and was given just over 1/2 the value my peers got- and not for grades.  I need that raise.  I worked for that raise. I sent a letter of dispute and hope its corrected quickly and that they don't ask for more money.  

I'm sitting in Silver Diner for some "me time".  Deep breaths. ... I'm not handling stress well and I don't know how to fix it. I've stepped up my workouts every day... and still.  

Just realized I can't even enjoy my food. I wish I'd just thunderstorm all day. Instead it's just overcast. This morning I sat in bed for more than an hour and listened to the rain.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017


Though I had transitioned to a new blog I find that things are in so many ways the same as ever and so I find myself writing here again.

Summer break is here and I am floundering... lacking direction.  I find that I lack motivation.

At this moment...

... and as I sat there under the weight of all that was before me, the decision to let go was made. I had one of those never again moments.  The lack of understanding in that call took my breath away and transported me back to another time, a time when I chose to pull away and to live.  The time of my greatest joys and my deepest hurts.   The one person I expected to understand how I felt, refused to.

I know that I get this from my mother.  She is surrounded by stresses and so she puts on blinders and focuses on the little things, the dog, the plants, recycling...  She doesn't dwell on those things that have stolen so much joy from her but neither does she change them.  In a way she enables those who would rob her of her joy, she doesn't fight for her right to be all that she is.  I'm angry for her but my anger isn't welcome.  It increases her stress level because she will not face those things and doesn't want to be forced to.  But I have heard her anger, have felt her hurt that she swallows.  She has been diminished in so many ways.  This beautiful, intelligent, once unstoppable woman only knows to die to herself.  Those who thought they could love without respect, who fed their ego with her will,  won't remember or perhaps ever know the pain they caused because she would have carried the blame to her grave in the name of peace.  I don't want to be that.

 ... on another note

I sent an email asking if one might recommend me for a job for the summer.  I got a list of other places to apply to.  I washed clothes and dishes and looked at all of the chipped cups and broken sets as somehow a metaphor for my life.

As I sit here my phone dings, someone is texting me.  Is it a conversation I refuse to have or is it my daughter?... or is it some retailer notifying me of some sale that I can't indulge in?

I'm going to have to take up meditation.

Monday, July 3, 2017


I haven't processed my thoughts, feelings, and emotions in so long that this is sure to seem clumsy, frantic.  I am again in an avoidance phase.  My son asked why I don't return his text messages.  It is because no one calls me to shoot the breeze that I find human interactions so burdensome.

Some years ago I was going to try to reconnect and now I just want to let go and put distance between myself and the things that weigh me down.  I have to find a way not to let other people's noise distract me.  Literally, my interactions with people sit on my chest.   Today I will again go to the gym and try to find some sort of balance that way.  

I sit to write and one of my 11-year-olds sits next to me and listens to rap music too loudly.  Later today I will take it away from him.  He's not allowed to even listen to what he's listening to and I feel it, all of it. As the kids wake up, the laundry is 1/2 done, I worry about the closing and how I don't have a downpayment, not much of one anyway.  I have to make my peace with the possibility that we may not get a home this year and it brings me to tears. I want it.  I can afford the mortgage but I don't have thousands to put down on a home.  -- I get up, take his phone, take off his headphones and toss both into his room onto his bed --

I'm looking around and I don't even know where to begin.  There's laundry to be dried and folded.  The dishes need to be washed.  I need to organize my papers and throw away old mail.  I need to find a backbone.  All of the everyday tasks are detracting from my ability to parent.

I know that some of the anxiety that I feel (most) is about the home.  It will mean so much to me to finally have a place for us.  I have work to do...