I haven't processed my thoughts, feelings, and emotions in so long that this is sure to seem clumsy, frantic. I am again in an avoidance phase. My son asked why I don't return his text messages. It is because no one calls me to shoot the breeze that I find human interactions so burdensome.
Some years ago I was going to try to reconnect and now I just want to let go and put distance between myself and the things that weigh me down. I have to find a way not to let other people's noise distract me. Literally, my interactions with people sit on my chest. Today I will again go to the gym and try to find some sort of balance that way.
I sit to write and one of my 11-year-olds sits next to me and listens to rap music too loudly. Later today I will take it away from him. He's not allowed to even listen to what he's listening to and I feel it, all of it. As the kids wake up, the laundry is 1/2 done, I worry about the closing and how I don't have a downpayment, not much of one anyway. I have to make my peace with the possibility that we may not get a home this year and it brings me to tears. I want it. I can afford the mortgage but I don't have thousands to put down on a home. -- I get up, take his phone, take off his headphones and toss both into his room onto his bed --
I'm looking around and I don't even know where to begin. There's laundry to be dried and folded. The dishes need to be washed. I need to organize my papers and throw away old mail. I need to find a backbone. All of the everyday tasks are detracting from my ability to parent.
I know that some of the anxiety that I feel (most) is about the home. It will mean so much to me to finally have a place for us. I have work to do...