Monday, July 3, 2017

Aaaarrrggh!

I haven't processed my thoughts, feelings, and emotions in so long that this is sure to seem clumsy, frantic.  I am again in an avoidance phase.  My son asked why I don't return his text messages.  It is because no one calls me to shoot the breeze that I find human interactions so burdensome.

Some years ago I was going to try to reconnect and now I just want to let go and put distance between myself and the things that weigh me down.  I have to find a way not to let other people's noise distract me.  Literally, my interactions with people sit on my chest.   Today I will again go to the gym and try to find some sort of balance that way.  

I sit to write and one of my 11-year-olds sits next to me and listens to rap music too loudly.  Later today I will take it away from him.  He's not allowed to even listen to what he's listening to and I feel it, all of it. As the kids wake up, the laundry is 1/2 done, I worry about the closing and how I don't have a downpayment, not much of one anyway.  I have to make my peace with the possibility that we may not get a home this year and it brings me to tears. I want it.  I can afford the mortgage but I don't have thousands to put down on a home.  -- I get up, take his phone, take off his headphones and toss both into his room onto his bed --

I'm looking around and I don't even know where to begin.  There's laundry to be dried and folded.  The dishes need to be washed.  I need to organize my papers and throw away old mail.  I need to find a backbone.  All of the everyday tasks are detracting from my ability to parent.

I know that some of the anxiety that I feel (most) is about the home.  It will mean so much to me to finally have a place for us.  I have work to do...

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