Tuesday, July 4, 2017

At this moment...

... and as I sat there under the weight of all that was before me, the decision to let go was made. I had one of those never again moments.  The lack of understanding in that call took my breath away and transported me back to another time, a time when I chose to pull away and to live.  The time of my greatest joys and my deepest hurts.   The one person I expected to understand how I felt, refused to.

I know that I get this from my mother.  She is surrounded by stresses and so she puts on blinders and focuses on the little things, the dog, the plants, recycling...  She doesn't dwell on those things that have stolen so much joy from her but neither does she change them.  In a way she enables those who would rob her of her joy, she doesn't fight for her right to be all that she is.  I'm angry for her but my anger isn't welcome.  It increases her stress level because she will not face those things and doesn't want to be forced to.  But I have heard her anger, have felt her hurt that she swallows.  She has been diminished in so many ways.  This beautiful, intelligent, once unstoppable woman only knows to die to herself.  Those who thought they could love without respect, who fed their ego with her will,  won't remember or perhaps ever know the pain they caused because she would have carried the blame to her grave in the name of peace.  I don't want to be that.

 ... on another note

I sent an email asking if one might recommend me for a job for the summer.  I got a list of other places to apply to.  I washed clothes and dishes and looked at all of the chipped cups and broken sets as somehow a metaphor for my life.

As I sit here my phone dings, someone is texting me.  Is it a conversation I refuse to have or is it my daughter?... or is it some retailer notifying me of some sale that I can't indulge in?

I'm going to have to take up meditation.


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