Saturday, July 8, 2017

Purging and Organizing My Thoughts...

Three weeks from closing on the house and I feel sick.  I don't know what happened with my credit report.  Should I dispute it again?  Should I sue?  I'm stuck in this state of worry.  This morning I woke up, went to the bathroom like I was going to begin my day.  I brushed my teeth and washed my face and then crawled back into bed to think...  thinking... what I don't have is disposable income, not now.

Yesterday was my first day without caffeine.  I think I ate 1/2 box of Honey Nut Cheerios - just because.  Tonight I have to get to bed at a decent time.  I have to balance if I am going to be able to face any of the challenges ahead of me.

I updated my resume but haven't turned in any job applications.  Summer is so important for me.  It is time to be a mom.

I've started the Mutu System to strengthen my core and close my diastasis recti.  One of the initial videos talks about food.  We are down to beans, split peas, and lentils, a few onions, some wilted carrots, a little kale, 1 pack of chicken that the kids have been asking for every day and some almond milk.  Oh, we do have a 1/2 gallon of regular milk and a few more than a dozen eggs.   That food has to last a week.  When she talks about eating mostly fruits and veggies, well, I have no fruit and it doesn't last in my house anyway.  I try to buy some kind of fruit once every 2 weeks.

Today I will organize my papers, complete the laundry, and start my exercises... if I can find something to exercise with...

As I am really focused on bills (as usual) and the house I am unable to entertain the children this summer so they spend most of their time in the house driving me crazy... playing loudly like we don't live on the second floor of an apartment building.  So many times a day I yell, "We have neighbors!!! My older daughter's conversations start with, "Mom, you know what I want..." and then she launches into a list of things that take my breath away.  By the time I was her age I had already been working for two years.  She is 16.  I'm tired.

Today I must make some calls about part-time jobs.  I think what's holding me back is that I want to be with my children.  I just don't know what closing will bring and frankly I'm afraid that all worked for and dreamed up to this point will be snatched away from me when I'm this close... and again I can't breathe.

I've given up sugar and I'm out of honey.  My tea consists of a teabag and water.  I like milk in my tea but I'm trying to give that up too and almond milk is no good in tea.

Okay!  Now for what's good.

The kids are still asleep.
I can do something to resolve this in the next two weeks.
All things are possible... right?

I'll organize my thoughts later...

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