Saturday, July 8, 2017

Digging Out

I've somehow ended up in the doldrums.  Walking from the kitchen to the living room to the bedroom and back.  Arriving at the same dead end again and again.  How can I be more than I am?  When the evaluation of my credits came back wrong it really took my breath away because I had already planned my next step. ...just....keep... moving...  Except that I'm not, not yet.  That's how it works for me, when one thing goes wrong I stop and look at everything that might go wrong in the near future.  On one level it seems, well, fatalistic but on another it allows me to avoid some struggles.

Today I haven't lifted myself up.  I've paced, done a little laundry, cooked a couple of times and then stewed in a kind of helplessness that, well, isn't me.  What if they say no?  Or what if they want more money?  The what-ifs have held me hostage for days when I really just need to lift my head up and be possible.  I feel like the ignorance of my earlier youth ;) lent itself to that, to 'being possible', just because.  The fear was always too late and the doubt didn't exist.

Just now I am so small and the world and what it requires of me is so great and squaring my shoulders before was preceded by a roar and now it's preceded by a sigh and followed by doubt because it doesn't make as much sense as it should.  How do I rekindle my fire, my zeal, my ferocity?

I'm having an existential crisis.

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