Saturday, August 5, 2017

Finding Focus... searching....

I sit here awaiting word from the universe that it will be okay and I will again find hope.  That is to say, feeling hopeless and not even knowing where to begin thought.  I need to reign in my dreams and plans and reevaluate what is in front of me.  What do I actually have?  What can I actually do?  

If I cannot buy the house, where can I find a quiet place for me?  I have to locate my blinders and put them back on to get through this school year.  I'm so heavy hearted.  

I wake up early to be alone and think and my precious little boy wakes up with me every morning and follows me around talking about soccer.  I am a terrible listener.  At first, I just put my finger over my lips and plead with him for silence.  I sit on the porch and read and he brings a book and joins me.  After a while, he starts talking again and I try to listen for a bit but the conversation is without end and I must again beg for quiet.    

What I do know is that I am going to have to make some moves to protect me.  I don't know what or how but there doesn't seem to be the slightest place in my life without people demanding something of me.  Last year I would have a few minutes in my classroom to gather my thoughts.  This year I will have to find someplace to think and be still.  I will probably spend a lot of time in my car sitting, listening to podcasts and looking at the clouds.

I've spent my summer so far waiting and I need movement.  It will require a plan.

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