I'm exhausted. I don't know what even the near future holds but I know that it will ask much of me. I've had to ask for help and it is among my least favorite things to do. The kids want the house so badly that they've taken to asking their father for his help and they get off the phone wounded. My daughter cried, her twin quietly asked to go take a walk after hanging up. My younger twins just trust in him and I do dare to hope that he will come through for us. I need to come up with $4,000 for the downpayment on the house and I feel like I'm standing at a brick wall. I'm fresh out of ideas. I am left with just a bit of faith that their father can come through for us. I don't like to ask him.
In a moment I am going to prepare myself to go through what my children have and the fact that I'm dreading it so very much suggests that it doesn't really get easier. I've been telling them that it does, that in adulthood they will make peace with whatever relationship they can salvage/build with their father. I am still disappointed in my own and still need for him to like me as silly as that sounds.
After all of the protest over Confederate, I decided that I wanted to watch Man in the High Tower on Amazon. I have to say that it was good even though they really did tackle the unthinkable (which sadly was really thought of) Yesterday was truly wasted. All day I was about to call but I didn't. I feel guilty if I watch more than one show usually and when the school year starts again I save most of my television viewing for the weekend. I want to see Confederate. I was immediately intrigued but given the climate these days I accept that maybe we're not ready as I too am seeing that we have not made the progress we thought we had.